My Confession Box

Sunday, September 26, 2010

I haven’t been writing for nearly 2 months, and it isn’t because I don’t really have much to reflect upon. On the contrary there are too many things that I really want to write about however due to time “constraints” I haven’t been able to do so. Every time I get interrupted the fire that ignites my “writings” seems to die.

I’ve finally made a decision that I really struggled to for a long time. That is to stop writing here. This will be my final post for this blog. There are too many reasons why I decided to do so.

About one and the half years ago, I wanted to stop writing because I felt really stupid for all the things that I’ve written for a girl that I really liked. But this time this isn’t the reason. In fact, I no longer feel stupid for all the things I have written. Because there is nothing wrong with liking someone and it is definitely not stupid to write your “truest” feelings for someone. Instead of feeling stupid, I’m really proud to say that for someone I love, “I was willing to do stuff that I would never do”

About half a year back a friend of mine who read about me cut me real deep, my self-image was already severely battered and this particular had to give me the finishing blow. This person was someone who I regarded as a very important friend but perhaps this person unknowingly hurt me. At that point, I really questioned how clearly I deemed someone my “good friend”. I was very hesitant to let someone who hurt me to get to know me better because when I write, it reflects my “truest” self. I felt that there was a need for me to put on my mask to protect myself.

That’s why there was a period I kept reflecting on the topic friendship. I felt extremely strongly for the quote "A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Arabian Proverb

I liked this quote a lot because up till now, there isn’t a friend whom I can pour out ALL my heart’s content. Not one that will take what I say, sift it and keep what’s worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. Don’t get the wrong idea that I quit writing here because I am unable to forgive this friend of mine; in fact I’ve forgiven this friend a long time ago. There are many doors one has to go through to get to the inner me; anyone who is able to enter a door that I keep closed out from most people is already considered my friend. Even though I really hope to have a friend like that mentioned in the Arabian Proverb, but nevertheless I am grateful for having friends even though they sometime aren’t exactly what I hope for them to be.

It has been a long time since I wanted to get back to the origins. The origins of my writings, it was intended to be something really private like a journal/diary, my safe haven, my sanctuary where I pen down my deepest “truest” thoughts without being affected by others.

To my readers: Regardless of whether you have been reading about me because your just a nosy parker or whether you read about me because you care for a friend, I’m very grateful that someone out there actually bothers getting to know this simple plain flower in a whole garden of plants. To those that read about me because they care about me as a friend, I hope my blog has helped some of you to get to know me better.

“Nobody sees a flower -- really -- it is so small it takes time -- we haven't time -- and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.” - Georgia O'Keeffe

To all readers, I hope that in the future when you come across another plain simple looking flower, you would bother to take a closer glance and understand this “Flower” better. Because not everyone open’s up easily and everyone needs friends.

[My new blog will signify a brand new beginning for me. Maybe someday when I feel that my mask isn't ever needed in front of certain people, I will open this “sanctuary” of mine to allow people to get to know me even better.]

the origin.11:11 PM

Sunday, August 01, 2010

I’ve been having some pretty heavy thoughts lately. I’ve been wondering what if reality is merely an illusion that we create for ourselves. I caught the movie “Inception” on the 24th of July; it was awesome even though the ending was kind of a cliffhanger. Personally I dislike cliffhanger endings however despite so, the movie left me feeling strongly for the character “Mal”.

I can’t help to agree with Mal how difficult it is to differentiate between reality and the world of dreams. Ever since I was conscripted, it felt like I’ve been living the life of another. During this time frame, I often say that it’s like I don’t even know who I have become. Remember I once said that I’m a very objective based person? Well I’m the type that doesn’t learn well through the hard way, the more you force me to do something I don’t want to, the more I rebel. Perhaps as a form of defense mechanism to protect myself, I became someone else. You could imagine it this way, my soul left me and another soul took its place to allow time to pass by less painfully.

I completed my recourse on the 30th of July. This means that I’m left with 10 months before I return to life as a civilian. I’ve got to try my best to wake myself up from this dream that I placed myself in. There were many times I feared that “he” wouldn’t leave when the time came.

During the past 1 year and 1 month, my self-image has been severely battered and this has caused a lot of pain for me. However, I wouldn’t say that “he” hasn’t taught me anything. I’m a guy who draws lines very well. There’s a very clear distinction between black and white. However, perhaps one of the greatest lessons I learnt during this time is that a grey region exists.

The post I wrote on the 20th of July made me reflect more on the aspect of friendship, something really brittle. I saw this quote roughly 3 months back, it really describes what I define as a good friend.

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Arabian Proverb

the origin.11:29 PM

Sunday, July 25, 2010

It’s been a long time since I went to church and it’s been an even longer time since the message sunk deep into my heart till the point where you get teary. I liked the message a lot today. It focused on the aspect of prayer. There was this quote that I liked a lot, “Prayer isn’t an art but a cry from the heart”.

There was one thing the pastor was darn right about. In live, the baggage of problems that we have is too wide and too heavy for our shoulders. I’ve asked a few people lately whether they had problems in their lives. I don’t mean minor ones but major ones that have been bothering them for quite some time. Well what I wanted to know was what one would do when certain problems can’t be solved. I’m not trying to be lame but I share a similar ideal to “Pain” in Naruto. I truly believe that this dark world and every single soul out there should be banished from the depths of this earth. Ultimately the best solution to fix something is to destroy it. Like the great flood in Noah’s time.

I’ve got unsolvable problems that I can’t manage on my own. Neither will it be manageable if you gave me consultations. There’s only one thing I can do, and that’s to cry out from the bottom of my heart.

[O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not the God who is in heaven?]

the origin.10:26 PM

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

I recall that I used to have this problem of reacting or responding to others. I thought I got rid of this problem ages ago, however I realized that I was wrong. I’m not sure if you realized this, but we tend to put on different masks in front of others. Perhaps because we feel “safe” to let the other party know a particular side of us. Well to some people, I appear more of a joke. Perhaps this is because of my easy-going nature and my cool-temperament. However even though I joke a lot, this doesn’t mean I don’t like to be taken seriously. How many people have actually seen me exploding? I bet almost none of my friends have seen me in a frenzied state.

I hurt someone really important to me lately. Perhaps this person is the only few people that have seen my frenzied state. Trust me it’s an extremely ugly sight, when I get angry you will see a totally different side of me I will be irrational, extremely aggressive and provocative. Well the point is that this hot-headed me will start spouting nonsense that can be very hurtful at times. Here’s the scenario, remember I have a post that mentions about fixing shattered glass? Well truth is that these pieces of glass can no longer be pieced back to what it originally was. I tried; I really tried my best perhaps it is god’s plan to allow certain events to take place. I recognize that these glass fragments can no longer be pieced back to what it originally was however I am still trying my very best to piece together the smaller fragments to retain what can still be saved and by doing so, I tend to get myself “cut” and hurt. Thus giving rise to my frenzied state.

This is the problem with me, I get extremely angry and I start talking shit and then like a couple of hours later, I hit myself real hard on my forehead and I go … “What the hell was I thinking”.

Here’s a quote relating to what I mentioned above, hope that anyone who’s reading this will consider the consequences about confrontation when in a “frenzied” state.
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ~Ambrose Bierce

(There’s this saying that when you dream about someone, it’s probably because that person is thinking of you. I wonder if this is true)

the origin.1:30 PM

Monday, June 14, 2010

Today is the 14th of June 2010, which marks another year till I’m released from captivity from this false notion of “Patriotism”. Time’s running short and I have a number of tasks to accomplish in this “Short”period of time. First and foremost I have to make up my mind and choose a university and stick to my choice. Secondly I would have to learn driving within 9 months and lastly to start on my revision with regards to my studies.

I had a talk with my cousin’s husband and I counsulted his advice regarding which university to enter and which course to undergo, well at the end of the talk I made up my mind but that wasn’t the thing that affected me most. Apparently, my relatives and everyone don’t really have that high hopes for me. They just want me to graduate safely and get a stable job to survive with relatively comfort however that is not what I desire. Despite feeling a little insulted however I don’t really blame them for thinking this way. Ever since young I kept dissapointing everyone around me. But the person whom I dissapointed the most probably would be my mom.

Which parent doesn’t hope the best for his or her child? Likewise my mom wanted me to grow up becoming a successful person. She wanted me to become “Successful” by entering the most prestigious schools of Singapore. Unfortunately I didn’t live up to her expectations, my academics went downhill ever since primary school.

After my education at Nanyang Primary School, I entered Teck Why Secondary School a neightbourhood school famous for its notoriety. My mom was very upset and I promised her that I would do well and enter a good junior college. But then I failed again and entered Singapore Polytechnic instead. And just when we thought this is it …, I forgot to pay the fees of my tertiary education and got kicked out of Singapore polytechnic and landed in Republic Polytechnic instead. Pretty exquisite route for an education don’t you say?

But the dissapointment didn’t just end with regards to academics. I didn’t finish my music education despite both my parents being musicians. I didn’t play games like chess which my mother wanted me to instead I played basketball a sport whereby you would come across a lot of “Bad Influences”.

Come to think about it, my mom probably used this phrase so many times that I lost count. “I give up on this child …”. You know, it’s very demoralizing for a kid to be told that no one is expecting anything of him. Well, I probably threw all my mom’s pride away and that’s why people now think of me as such.

To tell you frankly, I’m really not confident that I will do well in University and perhaps Med. School might just be a farfetched dream that is unattainable for people of my caliber. I mean come on, I’m competing with the best out there and who the hell am I? I’m just plain old Perry a guy who isn’t exceptionally talented. Despite having the inferior complex syndrome kicking in once again, there seems to be this inner me who gives me a glimmer of hope. Deep down in my heart there’s this underdog who wants to prove to everyone that his capablities knows no boundaries one who wouldn’t hesitate to throw countless of eggs at a rock till the day the rock cracks.

Well, it’s 1 year left before I embark on my quest to become an independent fully fletched adult who can’t wait to make his mark in society. I think the time has come for me to create a new blog. I think it’s time to put the past behind me and look towards the bright furture ahead.

[It's time I shook of the ecstasy of letting time past so quickly that no pain is felt. May the pain that I feel today be the strength that I feel tomorrow.]

" The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." - Robert Moore, Massachusetts.

the origin.11:46 PM

Sunday, June 13, 2010

I probably never talked about this before, but my cousin takes up quite some space in my memory bank. She plays a pretty huge impact on my life in such a way that she probably doesn’t know it herself. My cousin FX is 4 years older than me, I’ve always thought of her more of an older sister rather than a cousin.

I guess one of the reasons why I thought of her that way probably could be attributed to the fact that my maternal side of the family tree is pretty small. If I didn’t remember wrongly I’d have at least 20 cousins on both sides of the family but most of them I could hardly remember their faces and most of them aren’t really remembered by me. FX is the only cousin that I’m close too.

When we were younger, we used to play video games and I recall that we always argued over the character selection. That’s how I grew to love Raphael of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles over Michelangelo. We used to hang out at the park after school and we watched TV together before dinner. I guess we slowly drifted further when she moved to Australia. Despite the fact that I went to Australia to study for 2 years and even though I lived in my Aunt’s house for a while but I guess we were growing up and the drift became much more noticeable.

Even though we’re not super close anymore but she always showered me with love and concern. She never forgets to send me presents on my birthday for the past 8 years and she always gave me confidence by encouraging me. Another important aspect that she plays in my life would be enriching my life with new experiences. Just last Friday on the 4th of June, she took me to a club to experience what it would be like.

It’s my first time entering a club and also my first getting semi drunk. Well I discovered something as well … that is I probably am not allergic to alcohol. I was pretty puzzled by why people go to clubs and I still am. It’s boring in my opinion. It’s crowded and noisy as hell you gotta like rail to get a point across. I guess there are probably only a few reasons why people go to clubs. Firstly to celebrate some event with a couple of friends, to dance, to get drunk and to hook up girls (To what extent I’ll leave this to your imaginations). Well sure I know there’s definitely going to be a few cute girls around but that’s besides the point, I just don’t really think that’s how a guy should get to know a girl. Maybe I could be wrong but that’s what I think for now. When I entered the club I was wondering what was the loud music and the flickering lights there for, some would say that it’s there to provide the dance atmosphere but I reckon it’s there more for the sake of amplifying your dizziness.

Well, I wasn’t really drunk, I was controlling myself because my mom would kill me if she found out that I went to a club and I drank. I’m not afraid of her but it’s just that I’d prefer to avoid adding strife to the family. I stopped after a cocktail and one and the half jugs of vodka juice concoction. Joules was telling me to drink up, but I couldn’t anymore. If I went any further it’ll get ugly.

At the end of the day I’ll stick to my guns that alcohol tastes bad and I’m definitely no clubber.

the origin.11:49 AM

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

(It's not that I haven't been writing lately but I havent been able to piece this missing puzzle into the picture. I think I finally done it and so it's time for a double post! This post will be segmented into 2 parts, the first was written long ago and the latter just today.)

I wrote a post on the 27th of April but didn’t post it eventually. The post was named “The Truth”. Now the truth was written to set me free. It revolved around my army life, it talked about my entire story how it was plagued with fears, condemnation and sadness. It was around 3,000 words long but I decided not to post it because I found something lacking in the “truth”.

Let me briefly summarize what was “The Truth”. The truth revolved around the condemnation that I was tormented with. If you were to ask many of my friends what Perry is doing in the army, do not be alarmed to hear different stories from different people. After all, only the closest of friends know where I really am at the moment. Certain “Accidents” that happened to me actually caused me to job hop from one to another. My job hopping wasn’t all due to the accident but started off from one. It was also many other factors for instance my inadaptability, making powerful enemies and “Loopholes” in the system. And these were the very thing that caused me to lose many friends. Many people whom I treasure dearly. (Bunk 7, C.Z.NG and 大人)

What are your thoughts regarding job hopping? If you walk up to a stranger and asks him his opinion on someone who quits his job every now and then? They’d probably say that his not serious in his job, he can’t take hardship and he’s fucked up. I was pretty hurt by friends who thought of me from the viewpoint of a stranger. One of my good friends was actually the only one who could describe how I truly felt.
This was what he said, “you know what you want in your heart, but you don't know what it is like when translated to your army life, and you've tried a few paths already but it still doesn’t correspond to your heart, thus u keep searching”.

There were 2 conclusions that I came to after I wrote “The Truth”. First was directed at my fears. It could best described through this quote “I never really look for anything. What God throws my way comes. I wake up in the morning and whichever way God turns my feet, I go.” ~Pearl Bailey

Now the second conclusion was regarding the condemnation that I was tormented with and it was the same friend who knew how I felt that told me this very same thing. This was what he said.
“Perry, I want you to listen to me really carefully (or rather read since it's msn). I'm about to say something that's really important. What the people around you say, your closest friends, even me right now (if u choose to ignore this), doesn't matter. What matters is what you say about yourself. That is the final verdict, the most important. Personally I don't find any wrong in what you are doing now. Your actions may be a little deviated from social appropriacy (im nt sure whats the noun for this), but you intentions are perfectly fine.

And so I understood what the problem was, the problem was me. It didn’t matter that my good friend thought of me as a coward but it mattered when I thought of myself as one.

(No more condemnation, because only god can judge me. I came across this quote in my friend's blog. A quote that I really like alot. "We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho)

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I'm not sure if you noticed but throught the many posts that I have written within this past one year, I have been portraying a picture that I have become someone else whom even I don't know. I've been consistently comparing life at it's present with whom I used to be. But what was my true intention of doing so? Well for one it isn't to glorify myself by telling others how good I used to be. Well read on ... to understand what I'm driving at.

I’ve been sick and resting at home for the past couple of days. While I was recuperating at home, I caught the movie Braveheart, an old movie but nevertheless a really good one. There’s this quote that I like a lot. It goes something like this “Every man dies, but not everyman truly lives”. This quote made me wonder about certain stuff. What does it mean then to truly live? Does truly living encompass the normalcy of life?

To examine this question further I would like to prompt you guys by asking you to recall a point of your life where you really enjoyed, a point whereby when people ask you which stage of your life did you enjoy most, you’d say “Probably THAT stage”. Well, there are many fond memories that I have, times where I enjoyed myself but a stage which I really enjoyed would be secondary school. This isn’t a post about me reminiscing about my past but one that brings out living a life worth living. During secondary school, I was obsessed with basketball and several video games like Diablo 2, Gunbound and Fairyland. They made me look forward to something every day, it’s like a compulsive obsession where you can’t stop wanting more of something. To cut it short it’s the time when I truly had fun.

But does having fun only constitute towards truly living? Certainly not, some like myself believe in the theory of throwing an egg at a rock, because when one day that rock actually cracks people would go like … “WOW”. Well some of us live to prove others wrong by living a life doing the “right” thing standing up for what you believe.

“Living life to the fullest” is something that I’ve always mentioned; I often tie it together with living life without regrets. Perhaps I would like to expand my definition. To do so, I will state points of my life in which I felt that I truly lived.

- Waking up each day telling yourself that that’s not good enough, always striving to be a better man, seeking new forms of knowledge and experiences.
- Comprehending morality by living a morale life.
- Believing in your faith.
- Overcoming your fears
- Spending quality time with your family and friends
- Being of help to others

Well these are some stuff that I experienced in my life time. And this is the true reason why I can't stop comparing life at it's present with memories of the past. It's because ... I used to be truly living.

[Would you still desire empathy if the only way to being compassionate is to suffer to understand?]

the origin.2:10 PM