Pilgrimage

The End

2010-09-26T23:11:00.002+08:00

I haven’t been writing for nearly 2 months, and it isn’t because I don’t really have much to reflect upon. On the contrary there are too many things that I really want to write about however due to time “constraints” I haven’t been able to do so. Every time I get interrupted the fire that ignites my “writings” seems to die.

I’ve finally made a decision that I really struggled to for a long time. That is to stop writing here. This will be my final post for this blog. There are too many reasons why I decided to do so.

About one and the half years ago, I wanted to stop writing because I felt really stupid for all the things that I’ve written for a girl that I really liked. But this time this isn’t the reason. In fact, I no longer feel stupid for all the things I have written. Because there is nothing wrong with liking someone and it is definitely not stupid to write your “truest” feelings for someone. Instead of feeling stupid, I’m really proud to say that for someone I love, “I was willing to do stuff that I would never do”

About half a year back a friend of mine who read about me cut me real deep, my self-image was already severely battered and this particular had to give me the finishing blow. This person was someone who I regarded as a very important friend but perhaps this person unknowingly hurt me. At that point, I really questioned how clearly I deemed someone my “good friend”. I was very hesitant to let someone who hurt me to get to know me better because when I write, it reflects my “truest” self. I felt that there was a need for me to put on my mask to protect myself.

That’s why there was a period I kept reflecting on the topic friendship. I felt extremely strongly for the quote "A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Arabian Proverb

I liked this quote a lot because up till now, there isn’t a friend whom I can pour out ALL my heart’s content. Not one that will take what I say, sift it and keep what’s worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away. Don’t get the wrong idea that I quit writing here because I am unable to forgive this friend of mine; in fact I’ve forgiven this friend a long time ago. There are many doors one has to go through to get to the inner me; anyone who is able to enter a door that I keep closed out from most people is already considered my friend. Even though I really hope to have a friend like that mentioned in the Arabian Proverb, but nevertheless I am grateful for having friends even though they sometime aren’t exactly what I hope for them to be.

It has been a long time since I wanted to get back to the origins. The origins of my writings, it was intended to be something really private like a journal/diary, my safe haven, my sanctuary where I pen down my deepest “truest” thoughts without being affected by others.

To my readers: Regardless of whether you have been reading about me because your just a nosy parker or whether you read about me because you care for a friend, I’m very grateful that someone out there actually bothers getting to know this simple plain flower in a whole garden of plants. To those that read about me because they care about me as a friend, I hope my blog has helped some of you to get to know me better.

“Nobody sees a flower -- really -- it is so small it takes time -- we haven't time -- and to see takes time, like to have a friend takes time.” - Georgia O'Keeffe

To all readers, I hope that in the future when you come across another plain simple looking flower, you would bother to take a closer glance and understand this “Flower” better. Because not everyone open’s up easily and everyone needs friends.

[My new blog will signify a brand new beginning for me. Maybe someday when I feel that my mask isn't ever needed in front of certain people, I will open this “sanctuary” of mine to allow people to get to know me even better.]

Mal and Her Dreams

2010-08-01T23:29:00.001+08:00

I’ve been having some pretty heavy thoughts lately. I’ve been wondering what if reality is merely an illusion that we create for ourselves. I caught the movie “Inception” on the 24th of July; it was awesome even though the ending was kind of a cliffhanger. Personally I dislike cliffhanger endings however despite so, the movie left me feeling strongly for the character “Mal”.

I can’t help to agree with Mal how difficult it is to differentiate between reality and the world of dreams. Ever since I was conscripted, it felt like I’ve been living the life of another. During this time frame, I often say that it’s like I don’t even know who I have become. Remember I once said that I’m a very objective based person? Well I’m the type that doesn’t learn well through the hard way, the more you force me to do something I don’t want to, the more I rebel. Perhaps as a form of defense mechanism to protect myself, I became someone else. You could imagine it this way, my soul left me and another soul took its place to allow time to pass by less painfully.

I completed my recourse on the 30th of July. This means that I’m left with 10 months before I return to life as a civilian. I’ve got to try my best to wake myself up from this dream that I placed myself in. There were many times I feared that “he” wouldn’t leave when the time came.

During the past 1 year and 1 month, my self-image has been severely battered and this has caused a lot of pain for me. However, I wouldn’t say that “he” hasn’t taught me anything. I’m a guy who draws lines very well. There’s a very clear distinction between black and white. However, perhaps one of the greatest lessons I learnt during this time is that a grey region exists.

The post I wrote on the 20th of July made me reflect more on the aspect of friendship, something really brittle. I saw this quote roughly 3 months back, it really describes what I define as a good friend.

" A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away." - Arabian Proverb

Prayers during times of adversity

2010-07-25T22:26:00.003+08:00

It’s been a long time since I went to church and it’s been an even longer time since the message sunk deep into my heart till the point where you get teary. I liked the message a lot today. It focused on the aspect of prayer. There was this quote that I liked a lot, “Prayer isn’t an art but a cry from the heart”.

There was one thing the pastor was darn right about. In live, the baggage of problems that we have is too wide and too heavy for our shoulders. I’ve asked a few people lately whether they had problems in their lives. I don’t mean minor ones but major ones that have been bothering them for quite some time. Well what I wanted to know was what one would do when certain problems can’t be solved. I’m not trying to be lame but I share a similar ideal to “Pain” in Naruto. I truly believe that this dark world and every single soul out there should be banished from the depths of this earth. Ultimately the best solution to fix something is to destroy it. Like the great flood in Noah’s time.

I’ve got unsolvable problems that I can’t manage on my own. Neither will it be manageable if you gave me consultations. There’s only one thing I can do, and that’s to cry out from the bottom of my heart.

[O Lord, God of our fathers, are you not the God who is in heaven?]

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned

2010-07-20T13:30:00.001+08:00

I recall that I used to have this problem of reacting or responding to others. I thought I got rid of this problem ages ago, however I realized that I was wrong. I’m not sure if you realized this, but we tend to put on different masks in front of others. Perhaps because we feel “safe” to let the other party know a particular side of us. Well to some people, I appear more of a joke. Perhaps this is because of my easy-going nature and my cool-temperament. However even though I joke a lot, this doesn’t mean I don’t like to be taken seriously. How many people have actually seen me exploding? I bet almost none of my friends have seen me in a frenzied state.

I hurt someone really important to me lately. Perhaps this person is the only few people that have seen my frenzied state. Trust me it’s an extremely ugly sight, when I get angry you will see a totally different side of me I will be irrational, extremely aggressive and provocative. Well the point is that this hot-headed me will start spouting nonsense that can be very hurtful at times. Here’s the scenario, remember I have a post that mentions about fixing shattered glass? Well truth is that these pieces of glass can no longer be pieced back to what it originally was. I tried; I really tried my best perhaps it is god’s plan to allow certain events to take place. I recognize that these glass fragments can no longer be pieced back to what it originally was however I am still trying my very best to piece together the smaller fragments to retain what can still be saved and by doing so, I tend to get myself “cut” and hurt. Thus giving rise to my frenzied state.

This is the problem with me, I get extremely angry and I start talking shit and then like a couple of hours later, I hit myself real hard on my forehead and I go … “What the hell was I thinking”.

Here’s a quote relating to what I mentioned above, hope that anyone who’s reading this will consider the consequences about confrontation when in a “frenzied” state.
“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ~Ambrose Bierce

(There’s this saying that when you dream about someone, it’s probably because that person is thinking of you. I wonder if this is true)

1 year and counting down

2010-06-14T23:46:00.007+08:00

Today is the 14th of June 2010, which marks another year till I’m released from captivity from this false notion of “Patriotism”. Time’s running short and I have a number of tasks to accomplish in this “Short”period of time. First and foremost I have to make up my mind and choose a university and stick to my choice. Secondly I would have to learn driving within 9 months and lastly to start on my revision with regards to my studies.

I had a talk with my cousin’s husband and I counsulted his advice regarding which university to enter and which course to undergo, well at the end of the talk I made up my mind but that wasn’t the thing that affected me most. Apparently, my relatives and everyone don’t really have that high hopes for me. They just want me to graduate safely and get a stable job to survive with relatively comfort however that is not what I desire. Despite feeling a little insulted however I don’t really blame them for thinking this way. Ever since young I kept dissapointing everyone around me. But the person whom I dissapointed the most probably would be my mom.

Which parent doesn’t hope the best for his or her child? Likewise my mom wanted me to grow up becoming a successful person. She wanted me to become “Successful” by entering the most prestigious schools of Singapore. Unfortunately I didn’t live up to her expectations, my academics went downhill ever since primary school.

After my education at Nanyang Primary School, I entered Teck Why Secondary School a neightbourhood school famous for its notoriety. My mom was very upset and I promised her that I would do well and enter a good junior college. But then I failed again and entered Singapore Polytechnic instead. And just when we thought this is it …, I forgot to pay the fees of my tertiary education and got kicked out of Singapore polytechnic and landed in Republic Polytechnic instead. Pretty exquisite route for an education don’t you say?

But the dissapointment didn’t just end with regards to academics. I didn’t finish my music education despite both my parents being musicians. I didn’t play games like chess which my mother wanted me to instead I played basketball a sport whereby you would come across a lot of “Bad Influences”.

Come to think about it, my mom probably used this phrase so many times that I lost count. “I give up on this child …”. You know, it’s very demoralizing for a kid to be told that no one is expecting anything of him. Well, I probably threw all my mom’s pride away and that’s why people now think of me as such.

To tell you frankly, I’m really not confident that I will do well in University and perhaps Med. School might just be a farfetched dream that is unattainable for people of my caliber. I mean come on, I’m competing with the best out there and who the hell am I? I’m just plain old Perry a guy who isn’t exceptionally talented. Despite having the inferior complex syndrome kicking in once again, there seems to be this inner me who gives me a glimmer of hope. Deep down in my heart there’s this underdog who wants to prove to everyone that his capablities knows no boundaries one who wouldn’t hesitate to throw countless of eggs at a rock till the day the rock cracks.

Well, it’s 1 year left before I embark on my quest to become an independent fully fletched adult who can’t wait to make his mark in society. I think the time has come for me to create a new blog. I think it’s time to put the past behind me and look towards the bright furture ahead.

[It's time I shook of the ecstasy of letting time past so quickly that no pain is felt. May the pain that I feel today be the strength that I feel tomorrow.]

" The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow." - Robert Moore, Massachusetts.

Butter Factory (First Timer)

2010-06-13T11:49:00.001+08:00

I probably never talked about this before, but my cousin takes up quite some space in my memory bank. She plays a pretty huge impact on my life in such a way that she probably doesn’t know it herself. My cousin FX is 4 years older than me, I’ve always thought of her more of an older sister rather than a cousin.

I guess one of the reasons why I thought of her that way probably could be attributed to the fact that my maternal side of the family tree is pretty small. If I didn’t remember wrongly I’d have at least 20 cousins on both sides of the family but most of them I could hardly remember their faces and most of them aren’t really remembered by me. FX is the only cousin that I’m close too.

When we were younger, we used to play video games and I recall that we always argued over the character selection. That’s how I grew to love Raphael of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles over Michelangelo. We used to hang out at the park after school and we watched TV together before dinner. I guess we slowly drifted further when she moved to Australia. Despite the fact that I went to Australia to study for 2 years and even though I lived in my Aunt’s house for a while but I guess we were growing up and the drift became much more noticeable.

Even though we’re not super close anymore but she always showered me with love and concern. She never forgets to send me presents on my birthday for the past 8 years and she always gave me confidence by encouraging me. Another important aspect that she plays in my life would be enriching my life with new experiences. Just last Friday on the 4th of June, she took me to a club to experience what it would be like.

It’s my first time entering a club and also my first getting semi drunk. Well I discovered something as well … that is I probably am not allergic to alcohol. I was pretty puzzled by why people go to clubs and I still am. It’s boring in my opinion. It’s crowded and noisy as hell you gotta like rail to get a point across. I guess there are probably only a few reasons why people go to clubs. Firstly to celebrate some event with a couple of friends, to dance, to get drunk and to hook up girls (To what extent I’ll leave this to your imaginations). Well sure I know there’s definitely going to be a few cute girls around but that’s besides the point, I just don’t really think that’s how a guy should get to know a girl. Maybe I could be wrong but that’s what I think for now. When I entered the club I was wondering what was the loud music and the flickering lights there for, some would say that it’s there to provide the dance atmosphere but I reckon it’s there more for the sake of amplifying your dizziness.

Well, I wasn’t really drunk, I was controlling myself because my mom would kill me if she found out that I went to a club and I drank. I’m not afraid of her but it’s just that I’d prefer to avoid adding strife to the family. I stopped after a cocktail and one and the half jugs of vodka juice concoction. Joules was telling me to drink up, but I couldn’t anymore. If I went any further it’ll get ugly.

At the end of the day I’ll stick to my guns that alcohol tastes bad and I’m definitely no clubber.

The Truth is to Truly Live

2010-05-26T14:10:00.006+08:00

(It's not that I haven't been writing lately but I havent been able to piece this missing puzzle into the picture. I think I finally done it and so it's time for a double post! This post will be segmented into 2 parts, the first was written long ago and the latter just today.)

I wrote a post on the 27th of April but didn’t post it eventually. The post was named “The Truth”. Now the truth was written to set me free. It revolved around my army life, it talked about my entire story how it was plagued with fears, condemnation and sadness. It was around 3,000 words long but I decided not to post it because I found something lacking in the “truth”.

Let me briefly summarize what was “The Truth”. The truth revolved around the condemnation that I was tormented with. If you were to ask many of my friends what Perry is doing in the army, do not be alarmed to hear different stories from different people. After all, only the closest of friends know where I really am at the moment. Certain “Accidents” that happened to me actually caused me to job hop from one to another. My job hopping wasn’t all due to the accident but started off from one. It was also many other factors for instance my inadaptability, making powerful enemies and “Loopholes” in the system. And these were the very thing that caused me to lose many friends. Many people whom I treasure dearly. (Bunk 7, C.Z.NG and 大人)

What are your thoughts regarding job hopping? If you walk up to a stranger and asks him his opinion on someone who quits his job every now and then? They’d probably say that his not serious in his job, he can’t take hardship and he’s fucked up. I was pretty hurt by friends who thought of me from the viewpoint of a stranger. One of my good friends was actually the only one who could describe how I truly felt.
This was what he said, “you know what you want in your heart, but you don't know what it is like when translated to your army life, and you've tried a few paths already but it still doesn’t correspond to your heart, thus u keep searching”.

There were 2 conclusions that I came to after I wrote “The Truth”. First was directed at my fears. It could best described through this quote “I never really look for anything. What God throws my way comes. I wake up in the morning and whichever way God turns my feet, I go.” ~Pearl Bailey

Now the second conclusion was regarding the condemnation that I was tormented with and it was the same friend who knew how I felt that told me this very same thing. This was what he said.
“Perry, I want you to listen to me really carefully (or rather read since it's msn). I'm about to say something that's really important. What the people around you say, your closest friends, even me right now (if u choose to ignore this), doesn't matter. What matters is what you say about yourself. That is the final verdict, the most important. Personally I don't find any wrong in what you are doing now. Your actions may be a little deviated from social appropriacy (im nt sure whats the noun for this), but you intentions are perfectly fine.

And so I understood what the problem was, the problem was me. It didn’t matter that my good friend thought of me as a coward but it mattered when I thought of myself as one.

(No more condemnation, because only god can judge me. I came across this quote in my friend's blog. A quote that I really like alot. "We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho)

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I'm not sure if you noticed but throught the many posts that I have written within this past one year, I have been portraying a picture that I have become someone else whom even I don't know. I've been consistently comparing life at it's present with whom I used to be. But what was my true intention of doing so? Well for one it isn't to glorify myself by telling others how good I used to be. Well read on ... to understand what I'm driving at.

I’ve been sick and resting at home for the past couple of days. While I was recuperating at home, I caught the movie Braveheart, an old movie but nevertheless a really good one. There’s this quote that I like a lot. It goes something like this “Every man dies, but not everyman truly lives”. This quote made me wonder about certain stuff. What does it mean then to truly live? Does truly living encompass the normalcy of life?

To examine this question further I would like to prompt you guys by asking you to recall a point of your life where you really enjoyed, a point whereby when people ask you which stage of your life did you enjoy most, you’d say “Probably THAT stage”. Well, there are many fond memories that I have, times where I enjoyed myself but a stage which I really enjoyed would be secondary school. This isn’t a post about me reminiscing about my past but one that brings out living a life worth living. During secondary school, I was obsessed with basketball and several video games like Diablo 2, Gunbound and Fairyland. They made me look forward to something every day, it’s like a compulsive obsession where you can’t stop wanting more of something. To cut it short it’s the time when I truly had fun.

But does having fun only constitute towards truly living? Certainly not, some like myself believe in the theory of throwing an egg at a rock, because when one day that rock actually cracks people would go like … “WOW”. Well some of us live to prove others wrong by living a life doing the “right” thing standing up for what you believe.

“Living life to the fullest” is something that I’ve always mentioned; I often tie it together with living life without regrets. Perhaps I would like to expand my definition. To do so, I will state points of my life in which I felt that I truly lived.

- Waking up each day telling yourself that that’s not good enough, always striving to be a better man, seeking new forms of knowledge and experiences.
- Comprehending morality by living a morale life.
- Believing in your faith.
- Overcoming your fears
- Spending quality time with your family and friends
- Being of help to others

Well these are some stuff that I experienced in my life time. And this is the true reason why I can't stop comparing life at it's present with memories of the past. It's because ... I used to be truly living.

[Would you still desire empathy if the only way to being compassionate is to suffer to understand?]

Insanity - Shutter Island

2010-04-22T18:08:00.001+08:00

I caught the movie “Shutter Island” last Saturday on the 17th of April. I really liked the movie a lot because of the twist. Initially I thought it really was about some Marshall uncovering some conspiracy theory. However it ended up with the Marshall being “crazy” because of the defense mechanisms he put in place to protect himself. It’s sad to see how badly hurt humans can get. The movie ended with “Teddy” or should I say “Andrew” questioning, “Is it better to live a monster or to die a good man?” This saddens me even more because it shows that subconsciously he knew he was living in a fantasy world he created to protect himself, to deny reality.

This movie made me question certain matters. For instance, what are your thoughts on lobotomy? To summarize this for you, I’ll explain to you roughly what this surgery is about. To put it to you straight, it involves holes being drilled into your skull so that the psychosurgeon would be able to insert a special surgical knife, severing the prefrontal cortex from the rest of the brain. (The prefrontal cortex of the brain is involved in complex cognitive behaviours, personality expression, decision making and moderating correct social behaviour.)

This surgical procedure is said to be used to “help” people who are “extremely” mentally unsound to behave. However I beg to question what kind of “help” this form of “therapy” provide. Will proving this form of “help” aid you ultimately? Or would it aid someone whom is no longer you?
I too questioned myself that someone who works in a mental asylum, how long would it take for them to go crazy? I mean think about it, working in such a field requires an astounding amount of patience and perseverance. And let’s say if you were to work in such a field and one day you just gave up, you tell yourself this patient is simply beyond my control, what should I do with such an “Extreme” case? I wonder too, go figure.

(I can’t help but to wonder what are the greatest hurts a human can ever suffer. Well everyone has their own forms of defense mechanisms, ever wondered what’s yours?)

I’ve been too pre-occupied lately. Worse thing is I’ve been pre-occupied with the wrong things. Yes, I’ve been pre-occupied with 6 video games. 3 used to be bad enough but 6 is major overload even for a game freak like me. What’s the worst thing is that the nice games keep popping out and I’m not even done with the ones I’ve been working on. Despite having so many games to work on, I can’t help to feel bored. It’s strange isn’t it? There’s like so many things that I have to do and I haven’t even listed down the important ones. Perhaps I should set my priorities right, to cut down on games and start working on the things that I have planned.

I’ve been reading the book “Destined to Reign” by pastor Joseph Prince. It’s helping to enlighten me with regards to many aspects in my Christian walk. It helped me to understand the mistakes that I have made and why I’m a backslider. I realized that I didn’t need to try to stand right before god because it’s simply impossible and the only reason why it’s possible is because of Jesus. I understand now that the reason why my faith is weak and why am I faltering now and then is because I didn’t understand “Grace”.

Some people say that all religions are the same, their purpose is there to lead as a code of morals to lead you to be a righteous person. I couldn’t answer people who thought this way in the past, however right now, I can tell you Christianity is not a religion, it’s not about laws bound together but its Christ.

Here is a quote that I came across while reading the book. I really liked this quote.
“Right believing leads to right living. So if you don’t want your life to remain the same, the solution is not changing your circumstances, the solution is in changing your heart, changing what you believe.”

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace

(A song that I heard at church since I was young, however how much was I really taught or should I say how much did I know about God’s “Amazing grace”?)

Where to place our Trust?

2010-04-12T20:11:00.004+08:00

I’ve been too trusting lately; not too long back I tried to change my mindset, I sincerely believed that when we make friends with others we try to remove our masks and reveal our true selves however time and again reality seems to reflect otherwise. Humans are pretty dangerous creatures don’t you say? I’m a really cautious person, or should I say I used to be. I don’t trust people easily, to most new acquaintances I won’t reveal much about myself. Perhaps to them I might seem cold, aloof, living in my own world and anti-social. I’m starting to believe that I should revert to my old self, wearing a mask wherever and whenever I go.

I’m starting to wonder if I really do have a good sense of judgment of character. I always say I don’t make friends easily and when I do, it’s usually because I feel comfortable or should I say safe that I could speak of certain matters to them. But I guess we all have our share of secrets and sometimes I just feel like hiding. Initially when I first started out this blog, it was supposed to be unknown, it was supposed to provide sanctuary for me to pour my thoughts but somehow I stupidly blurted it out and I’m really wondering if I did the right thing.

Recently, I’ve been really disappointed by how weak human bonds are. It’s very hurting when you hear people spout insensitive remarks but it’s even worse when that particular someone is your friend. Humans are really selfish, when you’re on the same boat they look out for one another but once this particular person leaves your boat and enters another boat he could change like a chameleon. To look out for his or her best interests, they could stab you on the back even if you used to be on the same boat. Where was the part about brotherhood and caring for one another when we’re in need? Remember people, when you make friends with someone make sure it isn’t for the motive “You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. Friends help one another without any strings attached, favors are not meant to be paid back they are meant to be paid forward.

Call me defensive or turtle-liked if you think so. But once someone betrays my trust, it’ll take ages for the trust to be rebuilt. I think I should close myself up and protect myself. No more getting too friendly with people.

The week ended making me hate this organization even more than ever. This is like a breeding ground for assholes; I’ve been wondering what gives them the right to push us around. Why the fuck should I respect someone whom I hardly know? Why am I supposed to greet people who are younger than me with a “Lower” tone as though I was scared of them? In which freaking way are they superior to us?
Well some people in this organization think that they can get what they want because of a few patterns on their freaking uniform. They think that because of some “Markings” that they have, they can disturb and cause inconvenience to others. I mean is there even a rational reason why I should treat you as though you were socially of a higher status then I am? Why should I behave like a dog and bow down to others? Do you see nobles throwing their weight around during this era? What gives him the right to do that to me? What’s he better at than I am? He’s physically fitter? Wow so that gives him the right to push his weight around? So does that mean Olympics candidates are kings and queens? Hell no, their human beings like we are, we’re all equal.

Well, enough of the negative stuffs that I experienced this week. Today is like my favorite day of the week. It’s Saturday, and when it’s Saturday it’s movie time! I caught an amazing cartoon today, “How to Train your Dragon” was simply awesome, it awoken the kid within me. I love being a kid.

I loved the main character “Hiccup” a lot. He reminds me a lot of myself, we’re like deemed by society as “losers” because our strengths are outside the social norm. Like hiccup I’m not intelligent, I don’t posses exceptional talents for example music and the arts. And neither am I physically strong like other people. But it just gets me so motivated when I see people whom are like me fighting for their “Focus”.

I’m so going to get a pet when I get overseas; it’s ironic how we distinguish ourselves from animals. Some people say animals don’t have a heart, but it seems like it is us humans that are heartless. I’m no Doctor Dolittle but I’m sure if you treat an animal sincerely and whole-heartedly, they’d do the same.

[Original post written on the 10th of April]

Be a Blessing to Others

2010-03-31T23:47:00.002+08:00

Lately, I’ve been a happier person for a particular reason. It’s like how Hanamichi Sakuragi describes it in Slam Dunk Episode 1 “My springtime has come”. I’m not saying it because it really is spring but because of some other reason. It’s like a new surge of energy has entered my life.

I’ve found inner peace in my life lately, really peaceful days where I don’t really complain or grumble as much as I used to. It’s like there really isn’t anything in particular to make me really upset or scared. I just get up early each day to go to work, working till the end of the day and staying overtime if need be. Even though work might be boring most of the time but I’ve found joy in helping others out. After having hearty chats with one of my colleagues, his attitude started to change for the better and so have the attitudes that others have of him. Strangely it brings me great joy to see how I can have an effect on the lives of others.
Did the situation change for me? I doubt so, rather I believe my attitude changed and when your attitude changes, everyday seems like a good day.

Here’s a hilarious quote:
“We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time”. -Art Buchwald

This is a quote that I came across at my workplace and I posted it on one of my teacher’s wall.
“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” - Charles R. Swindoll

[I’m starting to learn to ignore what people think about me. It’s like there’s not much of a point explaining to them what’s going on because if their unwilling to listen, no amount of words would get into the puny brains of theirs. Recall, “Don’t bother explaining yourself, your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it”]

Not too long back, I had a weird dream. I dreamt that I died. It made me wonder, let’s say for instance if I had cancer and I happen to pass away… would I have left this earth in peace? Well, the answer was a no; there are too many things that I have yet to do. For one, I questioned myself who would remember me when I die and what have I done in my entire lifetime. Was life all about earning big bucks and fulfilling all my “Wants”?

I’ve been walking closer to god lately. Been reading and reflecting on issues more often than I used to. I felt that my aim in my life shouldn’t about being some heart surgeon where I earn a lot of money but rather a job where I can impact and change the life of others.

This makes me recall a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson in which I came across many years back.

"What Is Success"

To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded.

By Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well, a couple of wild ideas went into my head once again. It made me recall a dream job that I once thought of. I want to become a journalist or a scriptwriter for Walt Disney. Why of all things a scriptwriter and a journalist?

I always believe that information that is provided by various channels in this world is suppressed; they don’t really reflect the true picture. Or rather I’d call it “Information control” in which the government withdraws information to the general public or rather propaganda to propel their political agendas. I wanted to be the people’s champ by telling them the truth, helping to voice out for those desperately trying to reach out to the international community. I joked with my mom about it and I told her I’d probably die really early as a journalist. (Think of it as being silenced for knowing too much)

I too wanted to be a scriptwriter for Walt Disney. I love Disney cartoons ever since young they seem to really captivate me. I love writing for one and I too wish I could write stories that help children learn morale values and at the same time these stories would have an underlying message for adults or perhaps the government conveying various social and political messages. I’m a pretty dangerous guy don’t you say?

I felt that doing the above would enable me to leave this world satisfied. I’d be able to influence and change the lives of many out there, becoming a platform to create heroes for children to look up to. (Ever since young till now, I’ve always admire many people that I come across through films.)

Couple of months back I’ve become really lazy, but I’m glad this lazy spree has come to a halt. I’m back on my feet again. Although it’s back to square one like how I was like in poly year 2, however I’m confident that I can built myself to become how I used to be just before entering this organization.

Well, one useful thing I learnt during my time in this organization is the part about respect. You see, in order for people to trust you, you have to build up your reputation. This way people would come to respect you. But set aside this, I too understood why I’m so unsuitable for this organization.
I’m not an asshole that’s why. I’m serious. Call me old fashioned but I always believed in seniority commanding respect. Imagine someone your age or younger than you telling you what to do and you have to submit yourself to them and be subjected to any forms of abuse that they have up their sleeves.

[I’m like a bird that has to be free, if you cage me like a beast I’ll snap and bite]

The meaning of my job

2010-03-14T17:15:00.005+08:00

Sometimes you can be extremely motivated to do something, but after a day or two you might struggle with yourself. I’m not referring to the type of inspiration that dies 3 minutes later; rather I’m referring to being in situations whereby fear haunts you constantly.

I’m not a very brave person and I prefer to stick to my comfort zone, that’s why I like sticking to routines and not performing my routine for even a day can leave me feeling weird and uncomfortable. Have you watched “Dear John”? Recall, John’s father was said to be autistic? He too isn’t comfortable with getting out of his comfort zone. I’m not trying to say I’m autistic but I guess we all have a zone that we like to reside in.

I believe many of us hear 2 voices within us just like Donald Duck above. It’s been nearly a week since I entered this new atmosphere. I’m still pretty uncomfortable with being forced out of my comfort zone. I’m trying my best to be as positive as I can; however there seems to be this voice that tells me otherwise.

Don’t be mistaken that this negative voice within me is wrong; on the contrary to most of us humans whatever it has to say is far from wrong. Well, I hate to admit it but my current job sucks. I could be doing much more if given the choice to direct how I would spend my time. It’s true that my current job is meaningless and dull.
It’s not wrong to think this way; however I learnt something in life. You could imagine all of us to be cute little white rabbits caught in traps. Most of us would probably be struggling when caught however I learnt that the more you struggle with life, the more painful it gets.

Here is a quote that is linked to what I have to say:
“Every time we choose safety, we reinforce fear. When we try to avoid the discomfort that we call fear, our world grows smaller and smaller.” - Cheri Huber

In life we could choose to continue filling ourselves with negative thoughts which would seem extremely logical however I beg to question what good that would do to us. Let me give you an example, “The weather in Singapore is hot. You could choose waking up every morning being pissed about the weather for the rest of your life till you drop dead or you can choose to wake up in the morning telling yourself that it’s a good day to work out some sweat.”

Here is a quote that I feel strongly about:
"There are no menial jobs, only menial attitudes." ~William J. Bennett, The Book of Virtues

Even though I still find my job a complete waste of time, but it’s not about finding the job within, that’s filled with meaning but finding the meaning filled within the job. Sure, my job is retarded and I absolutely don’t see how I can stand to gain by applying this “skill” in the outside world in roughly a year time however despite my meaningless job I can still lead a meaningful life by helping others at my workplace. For instance if your fellow colleague is being tasked or rather aimed with a heavy workload by the boss, you could help him or her out and be a blessing to others. Now won’t you reckon that being a blessing to others will help you lead a meaningful life? If not, tell the millions of social workers out there that they have been wasting their time.

I hope that in days to come, I would remember this quote and not only say but agree fully with it.
“Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky.” ~Rabindranath Tagore

[In the past, I never understood why my cousin loved the song "Still". But now I do, I guess you were like me not having your wishes granted or not having things go your way ... "I will be still know you are god"]

Staying in for 1 year and 3 months

2010-03-09T21:01:00.004+08:00

I went in at 1.30pm in the afternoon yesterday and I watched the numbers of the electronic queue jump from one person to the next. Each time the buzzer rang when the numbers changed, my heart skipped a beat. In my opinion I really found it some sort of a judgment day. Its outcome would decide my fate. Finally my turn arrived. I entered the room, said whatever I had to say and listened to what he had to say. I knew my case had to stand because I wasn’t lying; I even had evidence to substantiate what I had to say. Within a short 20 minutes, my nightmares were over. Or so I thought …

I came into the office today, confident of where I would go to; unfortunately the day ended proving otherwise. I was not the miracle man whom I proclaimed to be. Apparently, I’ve tossed my coin against fate too often lately. For most parts of the day I was dazzled, stunned at what fate has thrown unto my feet once again. I really thought my prayers were answered yesterday.

You know, since young I always had this strong sense to differentiate right from wrong. Every time if I were to perform an action and if it’s wrong, it’ll just prick my conscience right after. I would just feel terrible with a great urge to do something about it. Despite so, I’d still do wrong one after another. I’m still human; I have my own lust, greed, wrath, envy, pride and fears. It’s funny how confident I was today, thinking that god would answer my prayers, when I knew from the start that what I asked for was morally wrong.
“God's way of answering the Christian's prayer for more patience, experience, hope, and love often is to put him into the furnace of affliction.” ~ Richard Cecil

Unlike most people out there, I’m tormented by a whole load of shit. More than you could possibly think of. The stress put on me is at an all time high. Sometimes I really wonder why god put me in such circumstances. Maybe god realizes that I’m an unconfident guy who needs to learn to step out of his comfort zone and face his fears. It’s times like these I really need encouragement and surprisingly I didn’t get any inspiration from quotes from the sages of the past. The most encouraging thing I heard today …
1. Perry: I’m trying my best to hang in there, I’ll see if I can tahan
Kevin: “You can de, I know you can!”
2. Aunt: You have to learn something important that is no matter what life throws at you, you have to learnt to adapt and live on.

I’m a scary cat, well in certain sense I really am. Ever since young, when I’m afraid I’d hide behind my dad. When thing don’t go my way, I know my mom is there to make things go my way. Maybe it’s time I grew to step out from the umbrella of protection that my parents have provided me since young. It’s time for me to be my own man and take on the world.

(I have to learn to be still …)

(I can watch this a hundred and one times and it just gives me new insights)

[I would like to thank a friend of mine for smsing me or just asking me how I was. Simple stuff like those really encourages me. Sometimes its just nice to know that out there, there's someone who cares]

=Original Post Written on 09 March 2010=

Did You Know?

2010-02-21T23:29:00.001+08:00

Did You Know?
If I were to be described as an electronic appliance, you (“You Know Who”) would definitely be an Electromagnetic Pulse. Did you know that whenever my heart draws closer to yours, I get thrown into a state of confusion? Just like how electronic appliances get fried by EMP?

Did you know that ...
… on Friday August 01, 2008 you were nicknamed earth and I was nick named Amazo? Did you know how much Amazo struggled to get close to earth in fear of hurting earth?

… the 20th August 2008 was the first time we went out together? Did you know we went out for 8 hours?

… on the 23rd of August 2008, I wrote my first letter to you? Did you read it?

… on the 20th of September 2008 I was very upset because of the circumstances I was in? Did you know that I was sad because I couldn’t get close to you?

… on the 28th of September 2008 I read a book just because of your personal message?

… on the 3rd of October 2008 caring for you became a reflex action for me? Did you know that thinking about you floods me with happiness and torments me with immense sadness right after?

… on the 15th of October 2008 I wrote my first poem about how circumstances made a fool out of me?

… on the 21st of October 2008 I really wanted to give up because I thought we weren’t destined?

… on the 26th of October 2008I cleared my thoughts and decided to love you following the principle of “If I could, I would”

… on the 31st of October I was very happy that I confessed to you?

… on 5th of November 2008, I had a feeling that whatever you wrote was meant for someone else?

… on the 18th of November 2008, I knew I was not the knight that you wished for to rescue your from your castle?

… on the 19th of November 2008, I figured everything that I have done for you was from the bottom of my heart?

… on the 25th of November 2008, I was very fearful of the near future ahead in which we would be separated? Did you know that I dedicated the song to you to tell you despite how uncertain our future is, I would still be the hands that warms you in the coldest winter?

… on the 29th of November 2008, I totally did not know where we were heading?

… on the 2nd of December 2008, I wondered why earth didn’t respond to any of the cries of Amazo?

… on the 4th of December 2008, I decided that your very existence is the reason why I hang on each day hoping to see the next. Getting excited by what goes on around you and longing to see that beautiful smile of yours.

… on the 9th January 2009, I wrote a poem about loving you?

… on the 12th of January 2009, I was heartbroken because I realized that all these while all the messages weren’t meant for me? Did you know I felt like I fell in love with an illusion?

… on the 14th of January 2009, I decided to withdraw from society because I felt really stupid?

… on the 15th of January 2009, I decided to continue loving you in the shadows?

… on the 16th of January 2009, even though hurt I reflected and never regretted loving you?

… on the 18th of January 2009, I dreamt about you a few times? Did you know how happy I was to see you, and how sad I was to realize that it was just a dream?

… on the 30th of January 2009, the thought of you leaving soon made me sad?

… on the 11th of February 2009, I decided to leave our fate to destiny?

… on the 25th of January 2010, I felt stupid for all the things I have done for you?

… on the 7th of February 2010 you were mentioned in “Ever wondered why the world was so paradoxical”?

… on the 14th of February 2010, I was highly confused about how I felt about you? Did you know I really wanted to give up loving you?

Did you know that I've never wrote poems for anyone before?

Did you know that I was never so flustered because of someone?

Did you know that I’m very confused by what’s our relationship? Are we more than friends but less than lovers?

Did you know that after 1 year and 6 months since the day I had feelings for you, I still love you?

Sometimes to do the right thing, we have to do the wrong thing.

2010-02-07T23:30:00.002+08:00

Ever wondered why the world is so paradoxical? – By Perry
Sometimes to do the right thing, you have to do the wrong ones.
Sometimes to love someone, you must not fall in love.
Sometimes in order to save something, you have to destroy that very thing.
Sometimes to lead a happy life, you have to lead a sad life.
Sometimes the big things in life are the little things.
Sometimes to get the life that you wish for, you have to live a life that you would never have wished before.
Sometimes to get to the top you have to fall to the very bottom.
Sometimes to fill your cup, you have to first empty it.
Sometimes to go right, you have to go left.

(The above are a collection of what I have experienced in my life time.)

[ Another song that I like a lot =D]

You’d probably be bored hearing this phrase once again … “I finally understood”. Perhaps to some of you, it might seem that I’m taking this word lightly. However through your walk in life, you’d probably use this phrase just as often as I did. After all, the essence of life itself is learning.

I finally understood something lately. I understood what I wanted in my past 6 months of life. What I wanted was not just a more relaxed lifestyle but rather what I wanted was to have a group of close friends. If you know me well, you’d probably know Perry is terrible when it comes to adapting to changes. However within this past 6 months, things have been changing drastically for me at every turn. Finally when I settle down at 1 place, I have to move to another and when I begged to return I eventually made friends and got used to life. Perhaps you guys won’t be reading this but Bunk 7, I love you guys. Even though we bicker at times and have ego issues however I had hell a lot of fun. We have got to be one of the best crapping gangs.

(Sometimes, the grass at the other side is not always greener. So, don’t always wander off to greener pastures.)

What do certain figures or numbers mean to you? Even though I once mentioned that I hope to become like Gilbert Arenas in a sense that he flipped a coin to determine the course of action of something and instead of going the way it turned out to be, he went against the odds. However there are some things in life in which we can’t place such a high stake. Imagine this, if you were to place a bet placing all your estates at stake and your chance of doubling it is 80%, it sounds pretty positive isn’t it? However, when a life is at stake it’s a whole different story. Unlike a simple gamble, we have to understand that it doesn’t end after a flip of a coin. There are implications to it such as the aftermath, the possibility of a reoccurrence, the chance that other risk factors will be triggered. When chance is brought to the surgical table, a 25% risks seems a lot more than it should.

Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence. – Lin Yu Tang

[To wake up every morning with a hope that today will be a better day as compared to yesterday]

For God....

2010-01-25T22:21:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, a string of events that happened helped me realize a couple of things. I finally understood why I named my blog crusade of a pilgrim. Let me ask you something, have you ever wanted to change yourself badly? What might the underlying reason be?

In the past, I wanted to change myself for the sake of someone. But I finally understood that the reason is very shallow. Perhaps that is also the very reason why not much progress have been made. You see, when you want to change yourself for someone’s sake it might seem beautiful and inspiring at first but as time passes by, you would come to realize that it’s stupid to wish you were a better person for the sake of someone. I understand now whom I should truly change my life for. Crusade of a pilgrim is not that complicated actually, what I wanted to drive across was the adventure and lifetime of a Christian, the walk of a life time with god. A couple a days back, I’ve decided to change myself for God’s sake. To dedicate my life to god, to ensure that my life will be a living testimony to his word, to live a life that is befitting for a child of god that way I could lead an upright life that my father in heaven would be proud of me.

I finally got my wish answered. I’m going back to be a medic. You know, all these while if you hope for something and you finally attain it, sometimes you won’t feel immediate happiness rather you would be stunned. Remember Perry, “The best way out is always through”. No more shortcuts! You ought to have learnt your lesson.

Yesterday, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. I was fuming with rage, my grandmother insisted that she was fine but her vital signs said otherwise. Her blood pressure was extremely high, the pulse was insane, she was having a high fever and yet she refused to visit the hospital. I spoke in an extremely fierce manner and I later on threw my temper on my mom. Later on did I realize that it wasn’t them that I was angry with but myself. I’m a bullshit medic, if I really was qualified I would have known what to do in situations like those. I could have done more than simply taking vital signs. So much going back for medic course on the 22nd of February. I have forgotten almost half of what I have learnt. I want to be a responsible guy who can stand up to situations instead of backing down. It is for this very reason why I was stunned rather than entering a state of extreme happiness. This is the very problem that has been with me for ages. I am always afraid of what the future has install for me. What if I can’t handle it? I still have much to learn about resting my problems on the laurels of god.

Below Are 2 quotes that I love:
We are so accustomed to disguise ourselves to others that in the end we become disguised to ourselves - Francois de La Rochefoucauld
God has given you one face, and you make yourself another – William Shakesphere

[I guess we all need some personal space, somewhere or someone where you can unmask yourself and be whom you truly are. No more secrets and most importantly no more fear. Have you found such a place to rest your soul? I believe I have found mine]

(A song that I grew to like alot lately.)

Origins

2010-01-06T20:37:00.000+08:00

What’s your New Year resolution? For many, a new year signifies starting afresh however in my opinion it’s not really a brand new start but rather a new start towards your previous experiences. Ok, it might sound rather confusing but nevertheless what we all want is another chance to be at it and to set things right.

I’ve a friend who says resolutions are meant to be broken, however I thought otherwise. I want to share this quote with you my friend.
“May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.” ~Joey Adams
Lol … hell am I waiting for that day in which your troubles last

Back to where I left off, through some reflection I thought about some stuff. It was about the origins of some of the actions that I carried out. As I reflected I thought what the problem was, was that my objective changed through the course of time, I thought I changed. But I guess, thinking and reflecting is pretty similar to games. Like I always say, brute force not necessarily wins. Therefore, you shouldn’t squeeze your brain for every last bit of creative juice. As I sat back and relax it suddenly hit me. Nothing changed; it was just that I couldn’t meet my objective.

This might sound rather abstract. Originally, I wanted to look for a pond, one which I could sit back and see my own reflection. As I journeyed and finally chance upon what I thought was such a pond, I stared at it. Initially, I did see my own reflection or rather I thought I did. I started to invest more time staring at this pond of mine and I grew to like it day by day.
But later on did I realize that the true reason why I loved this pond was otherwise. It was true that I like what I saw, but was the reflection truly me? Through the eyes of the fishes all they really saw was a masked man. When will the time come in which a fish would really see what lies beneath the mask?

The New Year does not mark a new beginning for me rather it serves as a chance for me to set things right. To do so, I have to go back to the origins. The origins in which how I truly felt, that is to summon the emotions that gave me strength. To mark a new beginning I’ve decided to start a new journal. One which I could really find that fish whom could truly see who I really am. I will still be writing here but I guess it would be on different grounds.

Biggest milestone - The big 21, welcome to the club

2009-12-23T00:21:00.002+08:00

Not too long ago, I had this argument with this person whom I was very close to.
“The one with green hair luh”, I guess you were right. Remember the other time on the train, I was telling you how I hated over-sensitive people? And you replied telling me I was contradicting myself because I was over sensitive as well? I guess you were somehow right.
I asked dad a question and he replied saying that there were only 3 types of people with regards to this matter. They were humble, proud or proud but trying to be humble. I’ll always remember what, my best friend told me. He told me during poly year 1 that he admired one of my traits, that is I would never hesitate to admit my own faults. But as time went by, things sort of went wrong and I realized that I had a lot of pride. This pride of mine has gotten me into trouble quite a few times. When someone steps on my pride and even though I know he or she is right I would still shoot my mouth off and things get very ugly after that.

“Draw a circle, split it into half and imagine the line in the middle will always be there”. So that was what she said. You know what? The line in the middle of the circle is like a wall to be broken down. Barriers as such exists in human relationships, it requires 2 hands to clap to take it down.
Close your eyes think about someone you really have a lot of issues with, someone whom you can forgive but aren’t able to reconcile with because of the impact of the consequences. Would you ever reconcile with this person? Hmmm … I wonder. However I do have something to say and that is any issues you have with a person no matter how complex it maybe, it is still no more than a yarn of string entangled and tied with a million knots. What you need to do is to untie these knots one at a time, no matter how ugly the sight might be it still originates from a string and it was once straight. [Some people are just hurt too much, and it makes me sad to see them in such a state … if only there was something I could do to help.]

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Today is my 21st birthday, unfortunately I haven’t been a very happy person lately and even today. It used to be fun. That was when I was a kid. I would like enjoy a party at my dad’s restaurant, explore the jungle area with my cousin Xin and receive plentiful of gifts. Well things are changing I guess. As I look at myself in the mirror I really wonder if the kid in standing in front of me is ready to be an adult.

I’ve been reflecting about stuff for the past couple of days and I realized that “我的人生非常的空虛”. It’s also what I’ve always been saying about feeling hollow inside. I haven’t had this feeling for a long time and it feels terrible, it feels like I’m being sucked into another dimension with my heart distorted.
Did you know that Mother Teresa once said that the biggest disease is not leprosy or cancer but rather the feeling of being uncared for, unwanted – of being deserted alone? Sadly during my time spent alone I realized that too often, I didn’t spend my time in solitude but rather in loneliness drugging myself with certain activities to divert my attention.

I realized that everyone progresses, it’s just a matter of which area we progress in during a time frame. I looked back over this year 2009 and I’m glad to say that it wasn’t all bad. However it being not all bad doesn’t mean I’m satisfied with it either. I realized that I’m exactly like Geromichi from Hajime no Ippo. I don’t mean I’ve transformed myself like he did, rather I’m worse off I’m still the same puking kid.

A show that I liked a lot is called “Warfare of Money”. It’s a Korean drama and there was this short sentence that really rings a bell in me. “最後的自尊心”, we all have it the very final bit of self respect. I met a friend of mine a week back, and apparently she claims that she’s been hearing some stories about me chickening out. Well, I was kind of insulted when I heard it but when I thought back about it, I guess I really don’t have the right to be pissed. I’m like 21 this year and it’s time to be an adult. To be a man is to be able to bear the consequences of his actions. I don’t feel ashamed anymore, because this year I’ll no longer be the Geromichi that everyone once knew.

Alone ... "Very Perry"

2009-12-07T21:29:00.003+08:00

Although it’s only been 2 weeks since I last wrote, it felt like ages has passed. You could say either a lot happened to me lately or perhaps nothing much happened that has led my writing to come to a halt. But I would say, so much happened in days that seemed like “nothing much” has happened.

During my first few days in the office, I observed that the atmosphere was pretty cold. The people there weren’t too friendly, set aside Daniel and Ryan. Daniel was the only guy who reached out to give a warm hand shake. He was my only friend around the place, who made conversations with me. Sadly, he left for surgery and long term leave 1 weak after my stay. Ever since, I’ve been more or less alone.

Ever since his departure, there were times when I felt absolutely miserable. It’s times like these where I desperately need somebody to talk to, however I’ve noticed that it’s at times as such, no one is ever there for me to pour my grievances to. Ever scrolled down your phone book and discovered that there are less than 3 people that you can really talk to? What happens when they’re busy and there’s no one there any longer? But I guess it’s alright … after quite some time, I’ve started to learn to be alone. Put me alone with writing materials and a dictionary of quotations, I’d probably pick myself up from any situation that hits me hard. Unfortunately, I don’t have a dictionary of quotations. I’ve visited a couple of bookstores however all attempts to search for this book has turned out futile. Perhaps a gift I would really want above all else for Christmas is a really good quotation book, one that can help me to express myself and to provide me with good advice.

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Time really passes really quickly. Unknowingly it has been 5 months since I entered this “Organization”. It’s already December and the year is coming to an end. As I look back at this year, I question myself what the hell have I been doing?

Have I really wasted this year away? I recall living a fruitful life over the past 3 years, maturing and growing up expanding a lot of my thoughts. However this year has been bad for me. There were too many instances when I felt miserable, too many instances in which I left time to cradle for itself, too many moments that I felt ashamed of myself, too many goals made but not achieved, too many times that I saw how weak I really was. Too much time wasted …

Recently, I caught the movie 2012 with mom. It made me reflect on quite a lot of stuff. For instance, the true meaning of humanity. I’ve always felt that to be human is to be humane and certainly the movie portrayed itself towards such light. Even though I know that to be human is to be humane, how many times has it been that I did something hurting, something insensitive, something selfish and letting my wrath take control of me. Although I don’t throw tantrums easily, but when I do it gets extremely ugly. It’s times like these when I feel stupid. I’m sorry …

This weekend, I’m going to follow what Renesh Boss once taught me. That is to reflect by reading my previous posts. I’m going to read my entire blog and question myself what have I been doing, to determine if this year has been really wasted and even if it is, to rediscover “myself” or to bring a whole new meaning to what it means to be “Very Perry”.

[There are too many things that I want to do lately. But I don’t know whether it should be done, because doing so is going to throw me into a state of stupidity once again.]

I just keep doing stupid things after stupid things ...

2009-11-24T22:39:00.003+08:00

Currently, my morale is at an all time low. Recall the post “Rite of Passage”? Apparently, each escape rope that I use, it takes a huge toll on my pride. Even though some might justify that the previous and the present state I am in are both shit, but at least there were things that kept me going.

I’ve been thinking … I believe that I’m desperately trying to improve myself. I believe all of us have been through certain types of shit, some of us would simply just wait for the storm to past. But not all storms past by in terms of hours or days. A common situation we get ourselves into most of the time would be attending boring lectures or talks, we would often just “switch off” and wait for time to past, however this time the clock doesn’t turn for me.

Even though lectures and talks can be boring but at least you know it’s for your own good. Unlike lectures or boring talks, this present situation I’m going through does absolutely zero good to me. Furthermore unlike other tough times I’ve been through I don’t have my buddies with me, where we could all go through this and laugh it out later on. Worse still despite given my own personal time, I’ve been drugging myself with the same “Ecstasy”, the same thing that keeps me going most of the time, the very thing that kills my social life, making me uncaring and ignorant of what goes on. But I can’t help it …

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(The teachings and wise words below are all credited to the author of the book Gary Inrig.)

Just a day back, I was reading the Discovery Series of “What is True Forgiveness”. It has certainly broadened my perspective on this subject.

“Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting to remember, but remembering to forget.” – Gary Inrig

Paradoxical it may seem, but definitely not. It is written, "If your brother sins rebuke him and if he repents forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him."

Many including myself would beg to question the effectiveness of doing so, after all it would just allow the particular person to cultivate the habit of sinning once again. However, after reading this short booklet, I understand what forgiving actually means. When the word “Rebuke” was used, it also means to express strong disapproval. Therefore forgiving someone isn’t turning a blind eye to the wrong. Forgiveness looks sin in the eye and nevertheless peaks the costly words … “I forgive you”. It isn’t simply forgetting to remember as though someone hit your head real hard and your suffering from amnesia.
When we show strong disapproval, we have to remember that the goal of confrontation is not to express our anger or to get something off our chest, but to bring about repentance, restoration and reconciliation. Therefore if you were to go about confrontation, do it privately not publically, do it humbly and repentantly and not arrogantly and self righteously. Do it spiritually and not carnally, do it restoratively and not punitively.

When you say “I forgive you”, you declare that the issue between us is dead and buried. I’m saying that I will not rehearse it, review it, or renew it. When it comes to my mind, I will take it to the lord and to the foot of the cross, not you.
Many people whom I know apparently don’t practice this. A common sight when it comes to quarrelling between spouses, they love to dig up the past and that isn’t forgiving. Also, some victims whom I know of are said to be forgiven but are always mocked for their stupidity, foolishness and mean ways.

A common story told by many of my friends is that they had a quarrel with their friend, and despite asking for forgiveness these group of people told me that things were never the same as before. We have to understand that forgiveness cannot be earned, it can only be given. Whereas reconciliation is earned. Forgiveness cancels all debts but it does not eliminate the consequences.
I once used to believe that “Time heals all wounds”. However there are times in which this is not the case. Ever wondered why? This is because “Time heals clean wounds. Soiled wound’s fester and infect”.

Therefore, if you ever wonder why things are never the same as before, it’s probably just the impact of your actions. However do not fret over it, because we are all insensitive in one way or another and it’s because we’re all human. So long as you apologize sincerely. Regain your friend’s trust and let time work some of its magic, it would most probably be fine.

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

2009-11-19T20:46:00.003+08:00

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Sometimes I really wonder if anyone in this particular organization is in a similar state as I am. I believe I’m some of the very few who hop around so often, if this continues I’m very sure you can call me the “Jumper”.

Looks like my previous posts which harp on my rite of passage to seek redemption will be my very last. Life is pretty paradoxical I guess. At a point of time, I desperately want to run away from my fears, but now when I’m ready to face them and destroy them for good they just disappear.

You know, in life some of us reach a state of pseudo-enlightenment. Meaning, we get enlightened for a period of time but when a similar situation hits you, you just stumble and fall into dire straits. I had a terrible night yesterday. I couldn’t sleep because this new arrangement that god has for me has thrown me into confusion again.
I really wonder why life throws us into such madness. Imagine yourself pulling you hair, laughing and crying at the same time. That’s how I felt and I guess it won’t be the last. Well I guess life is like an automated tennis ball launcher, except it tosses obstacles. Life often throws us into a state of pain, it could manifest itself in many forms for instance things that irritates you and makes you angry. Imagine this, if your surfing, would u ride with the tide or would u ride against the tide? Well the answer is pretty obvious, we really got to take a breather and smile at anything that life that life throws at us. You got to trust god …

“Child of My love, fear not the unknown morrow,
Dread not the new demand life make of thee;
Thy ignorance doth hold no cause for sorrow
Since what thou knowest not is known to me” – Exley

This is a passage I like a lot, it is written on the 21st October issue of the daily bread.
“But all is shifting and changing these days; I’m being led out, away from familiar surroundings and into a vast unknown. What new limits will overtake me in the coming days? What nameless fears will awaken?

We may well be dismayed at what life has for us this year and next, but our Shepherd knows the way we’re taking. And he goes before. He will not lead us down paths too dangerous or too arduous where he cannot help us. He knows our limits. He knows the way to green pasture and good water; all will have to do is follow.”

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Recently, we had a magazine talk and I’m really a sucker for it, but not this time. These magazines always cause me to feel very insignificant. There’s like so much out there in the world that I don’t know about, so much that I desperately want to find out.
The colossal misunderstanding people have of me is that I’m a studious guy who reads a lot. Unfortunately sorry to disappoint you but I’m exactly like cloud from final fantasy 7. Unlike Zack I’m no hero but I’m trying so hard to be one. I’m always pushing myself to read more because there’s so much that I don’t know.
My new job, what can I say? Some people envy it, some people love it and some others hate it. Well, I guess when you are forced into a situation similar to ours, you would probably understand that no matter what you do, it’s still shit and like all others kinds of shit they all stink. Except this stink bomb is really potent, a minute passes like how an hour passes, and an hour seems to take days, and just 1 day takes forever.
To forgo a life which many subjugate themselves too, I have decided to make good use of my time to find out about so many things that I don’t know about, for instance history of many countries, how stocks work and perhaps catch a few copies of fortune magazine.

Ever since I hurt my ankle, I haven’t been playing basketball. It’s been nearly a month and the half and I’m still not fully recovered. My soul hungers for the game. Whenever the thought of not playing for the week kicks in, I get really angry with myself.

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I once thought that as long as I followed the principle of “to not unto others what you don’t want others to do upon you” it would be fine. However, I’ve come to realize that perhaps I haven’t been sensitive enough, sometimes what might seems ok for us might not be ok to others.
Tenderheart, rings a bell? It’s the care bear with the love on it’s tummy… actually we humans are all tenderhearts, it’s just that we live in a very cold world. The things that society do, the small uncaring and selfish ways cause our hearts to harden. I’m not trying to be a saint because I’ll admit that I am influenced greatly by the world too, so much that I fear myself.
Maybe that’s why we go to church to let god mould our hearts. This is gonna sound random but I’m currently reading “The Lost Symbol” and there’s this part that make me wonder if I’m just a delusional fool. There’s this part that talks about noetic science and how human thoughts can actually alter reality in a form of altering matter itself. I wonder if prayer works the same way, afterall it is said “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
I always believed that praying was about being sincere and telling god about it.

[ Stay Happy =D ]

Rite of Passage (Part 2)

2009-10-26T00:50:00.004+08:00

Rite of Passage (Continued…)
Chapter 5: When we’re All Superheroes
Ever wondered what the world would be like if it were to be filled with superheroes? Well, I believe all of us are superheroes, not in the aspect that we fight crime with our superpowers. Rather I meant it in the sense of being in a masquerade party.

Maybe superheroes aren’t as strong as we thought of them to be. Or at least not many people would know about what lies behind the mask. For Peter Parker there was Mary Jane, For Bruce Wayne there was Rachel Dawes. Ever wondered who would unmask you?

Perhaps in our lifetime, we’re all waiting for that special someone to unmask us. To understand us and to love us for whom we are. However, often when the mask is removed it not necessarily leads to a chain of happy events, sometimes when unmasked you might actually get to see the ugly side of a particular super hero. Many people get frightened and run off at the true sight of certain heroes. In my opinion those people aren’t the real ones that are destined to unveil your mask.

Love isn’t exactly milk chocolate; it’s more like dark chocolate. Bitter-sweet, get what I mean? It consists of tolerance, understanding, sacrifices and all that. Sometimes, I fear that dark chocolate can get too bitter.

Chapter 6: And just like that Woofie, Teddy and Banjo went missing
Things happened too fast even though I was told beforehand. When I reached home 2 days back during my weekend book out, things were no longer the same as it used to be. The air was intoxicated with loneliness, I guess things will never be the same as it used to be. On the 21st October 2009, my sister left Singapore to further her studies in Australia.

Despite the 6 years age gap, me and my sister got along really well. We would talk about school, games and almost everything else. We shared the same room for many years, even though we fought over many stuff like the snacks, the massage chair and the computer but still we are still as close as ever and I love my sister.

I wasn’t a good brother; I did many mean things to her when we were younger. I was the over-conceited, domineering, scheming, arrogant, Sore-loser, tyrannical and selfish brat. If you knew me when I was a kid, I was totally badass you would have called me the little tyrant king. Currently, many memories flash by me, memories that strike me with sadness. I recall the pillow fights, the slamming, the ice cream man, the airport, Duchess, the times when she got scolded, the times when she asked “Why are you guys” fighting.

As a kid, my sister was what you would call the perfect little girl that every parent would want. She was extremely cute, well behaved, sensible, kind hearted, hard working and she never held a grudge with anyone and she loved drawing! Imagine an older brother cheating his 6 year old kid sister of her $5 savings to buy ice cream. Pathetic isn’t it? She would ask her parents, “Why are you guys fighting? It’s scaring me.” Imagine a K2 kid telling her parents that.

If anyone were to be blamed for who she is now, it would be me, or at least that’s what I think. She’s conscious of her weight and it’s my fault because I was a glutton stuffing the both of us with endless bags of potato chips when we were really young. If anyone were to complain that she was a tom-boy, it would probably be because she had a brother who influenced her to play the computer too much. If anyone were to blame her for being so rebellious it would be because you people don’t understand what it means by “circumstances mould you to become who you eventually be”.

Despite how badass I was, there too were times when I really wanted to be a good brother. For instance when I threatened to beat up the kids who bullied her at school, calling up the bully at school and talking them and their parents, to comfort her when she was scolded by mom or dad, to buy her gifts with most of my left over money I had during primary school, playing G’s, exploring all the fun stuff like what camping would be like, to teach her the right moral values that will enable her to draw a fine line between right and wrong.
(The first time I called home during BMT, I felt a great sense of homesickness, but it wasn’t talking to mom or dad that made me felt like crying. It was talking to you. You were more than a best friend, you are what I call a sister.)

Going to Australia would do you good. At least that was what everyone said. It was time you grew up to become who you have to be, to become the independent, well mannered, confident adult whom would eventually outshine her brother. I wonder if we would ever talk as much as used to do, I wonder if we would ever play consoles together again, I wonder what effect time would have on us.

Even though I am extremely sad that she had to leave, but I guess the one who would be filled with even greater sadness would be dad. After all that Wednesday would probably be the last time he would ever see her again.

(In case you were wondering who Woofie, Teddy and Banjo were, they’re the names of some of the soft toys that my sister keeps by her bed.)

Rite of Passage

2009-10-10T23:05:00.000+08:00

Rite of Passage:
I’m not sure if this is true but for every shortcut that you take, it often comes with a price tag “Guilt”. I took some shortcuts not too long ago, and even though I do feel guilty at times however I would still term it as a wise decision.

Not everyone in such a situation receives a chance to redeem oneself. Often if you seek the path of redemption you would have to go through what you call a “Rite of Passage”. I’ve been given an opportunity to redeem myself, and so it begins …

Chapter 1: There Is No Benchmark
Whenever you’re in dire straits, you’d wonder why such shit happens to you. Some people might say … “Every Cloud has a Silver Lining”. I often choose to ignore such phrases simply because it has no impact on me. Alternatively, if someone were to tell you “It’s always good to know that there is someone worse off” you’d be feeling pretty much better. When I was in primary 3, I’d always been glad that I wasn’t rock bottom and there were fellow companions who did just as bad as I did. At least you would know you’re not the only one standing up being punished.
Do you envy people who are in a better “state” as compared to yourself? Well sometimes I do, and sometimes we not only hope that there were people worse off than we were, but we do wish that we were in a state better than them. Perhaps this is what you call greed, but don’t forget the saying that there is always a mountain higher. If you were to compare all the time, when would you be done comparing? I’ve learnt lately that sometimes greed corrupts people and we have to suppress it.

Chapter 2: Why night insects are attracted to light
Ever wondered why certain insects are so attracted to light that some might give their life up for the sake of it? Well I don’t know but there has got to be a reason why …

Ever felt weak and wanting to give up? We all do. Some of us often claim that night is the hope and morning is the beginning of a hell hole. On certain days I struggle with myself, I often wonder why I chose such a route when there could be an easier way out. But there is a reason why some of us have to go through shit. You’d have to go through shit to know how smelly it is.

I thought of an analogy of the chin ups, some people could do it and some others like myself can’t. It’s somewhat like being unable to bear you own weight. Some people can bear their own weight, some others have to depend on others and they can’t shoulder their own responsibilities. Perhaps going through shit is a form of shouldering your responsibilities.

I often wonder what being an adult is all about, because I couldn’t imagine myself as a fully fledged adult. If a man doesn’t earn enough to feed his family, is he deemed unfit to be an adult? If a parent is unable to provide the emotional support that a child needs, is he or she unfit to be a parent? I once yearned for a book called “how to become an adult” and I too once asked a friend of mine what it takes to be an adult. Was it about being able to drive, understanding how credit cards work, earning loads of money and knowing what the hell is going on in other countries around the world? He told me it was about being “responsible”. I’ve come a point to think that his absolutely right. I recall a movie “I am Sam”, it was about a retarded man who fights for custody of his child, even though people doubted his abilities to raise a child, but I felt he was an adult one that deserves respect because he fulfilled his duties, he was able to bear the heavy load on his shoulders; one known as “responsibilities”.

When studying medic knowledge, we were shown grotesque pictures of injuries and I wonder if one day if I were really to be a doctor and a patient was in a bloody condition, could I save him calmly and sadly the answer was a no … I didn’t believe that I could, I felt that it was a responsibility too heavy for me to bear.
I carried out my first IV session not too long ago, when I did it I was very afraid of hurting my friend and so I did it slow and panicky, instead of reducing the pain I made it worse. I even required help from the instructors. What made me felt really guilty was how much I complained of how painful it was when my partner jabbed me and on the other hand when he was jabbed, he kept silent.

(Something cool but random that I encountered. “To understand is not to sympathize, to empathize is not to sympathize. A letter of condolence to our society, sorrow applied to our national Apathy”.)

Chapter 3: For good or for bad?
I once told myself that humanity was dark and dangerous, and I lost confidence in them. But I’m starting to wonder if I was really afraid of how dark humanity was or was it myself whom I feared. The caged beast that is within me concealed from others, one that I struggle so hard to suppress.

I talked to my friend once about ego, something that we all have. My senior Wayne once appointed me as a leader because he felt that my ego was the lowest amongst the members and I wouldn’t abuse my power. I’m not too sure if he felt that I had none, but I would say that I too have my own ego.

When I discussed this with my friend, I told him ego was evil it made arguments and strife among people. My friend on other hand said it was essential for the improvement of mankind. Even though I would say his right to a certain extent, events that took place lately pointed to me otherwise. When someone does something to hurt you, you would flare up and fight back. Lately, I have been unable to keep my cool, I keep asking myself why is it that others can hurt people and get away with it, why couldn’t I do the same and be mean to those who do wrong to me. [That’s why I have the potential to become a terrorist, a psychopathic killer like the joker]

I told my friend, I would rather people hurt me than let myself hurt others because that way I would still be able to sleep peacefully at night. It’s what you call guilt-free. The bible tells us this …

“But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” - Matthew 5:39

Many would mock and laugh at this, I too couldn’t understand it well not until a few days back when silly arguments heated up and grown men started to behave irrationally. From this day on, I’ll try to suppress my ego and pride, let others trample on me and not do the same because if I do, I’m no better than them.

“Forbid it Lord, that I should be
Afraid of persecution’s frown;
For you have promised faithful ones
That they shall wear the victor’s crown” – Bosch

Chapter 4: Finding the needle in a hay sack
Something that astonishes me has taken place, if you are asking me how I feel like at the moment; it’s somewhat like how a geoscientists would feel. Geoscientist who monitors seismographs for 10 years of his life, assuming that nothing’s going to happen and one fine Sunday morning when he’s slacking off his job eating his donuts and he suddenly screams “holy mackerel”. The seismograph suddenly shows readings of an earthquake.

I lost something pretty important to me around 3-4 weeks back. I thought all would be the past but all of a sudden, the past crosses with the present. I’m pretty unsure myself, I was once the knight who was ready to slay the dragon, but now I’m no knight. I’ve thrown my sword into the grave of swords. I’ve got to search within the graves to see if it’s still there …

Your not ready... for later and the end

2009-09-21T23:26:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, I watched the movie “Knowing” with my family. The movie wasn’t really under the genre “horror” but the mysterious aspects of the show really creped me out. At first, I thought the movie was trying to prove the fact with regards to what John (Nicholas Cage) was trying to explain to his class. That is … whether events that take place were just purely random out of chance for instance mutation etc… or were they linked to a series of events.

But as the show went on … I realized that the movie was more or less trying to depict the “Last day” described in the bible in terms of analogies and symbols. Anyways … I felt that the movie was a wake-up call to remind myself how “ready” I was if the day were to come. FYI, I’m totally not ready.

I believe most people know me as a not so confident type of guy. Well it’s true; I would say that the inferior complex syndrome within me kicks in quite often. Lately there’s this singer whose voice penetrates my heart, one that fills me with sadness, regret, guilt and inferiority. But this isn’t always a bad thing, her voice makes me want to change myself. Change myself into someone who would be more “Eligible” to my future dream.

If you’re kind of similar to me and you feel inferior to others at times, think about in what aspect do you feel inferior and act upon it, that way the next time you think about it ain’t no ICS gonna kick in.

Water of life... GONE!

2009-09-19T22:16:00.001+08:00

You know, some ink fade away pretty easily. Couple of weeks back, I reached out into my pocket to get my wallet and I found an old piece of paper. It’s a wonder why the ink hadn’t faded away yet, it’s been almost 9 months already. I guess certain things don’t fade away that easily as compared to the ink on that paper. But today, I lost an object pretty important to me, something we’d call a sentimental object. I guess maybe it really is time to say goodbye …

Win over the UNCLES!

2009-09-14T00:39:00.000+08:00

Previously I talked about confidence and believing in yourself. Well there’s something else to it that I forgot to mention. You’ll probably get the message after watching this video …

Did you catch what I left out?
Ray Allen: “My confidence in my games comes in just my preparations.”
Gilbert Arenas: “My Dad was always told me that if you wanna be good, you know you got to keep at it because while your resting someone else out there is working in the world”

There’s this anime that I like a lot, It’s called “Hajime No Ippo!” It’s about boxing and there was this particular part where the middle weight boxer Takamura went into the finals against the world champion, surprisingly by round 5 he was in a state of semiconscious and the particular thing that kept him going was the basics, those long tiring days of doing the same thing again and again. His vision was compromised; he couldn’t hear his coach yelling at him, all he could hear was the crowd cheering. Despite all that he was able to execute his moves because it has been drilled into him. Likewise, if you want to be good at something, you’ve got to work extremely hard to an extent that it gets drilled into you. Just like what Ray Allen said, I believe that the only confidence that I will have is in my preparations.

3 weeks back, I thought about this and thought of a different way in training myself. I practiced a lot be it in terms of physique or technique. All those hard work paid off today. Every Sunday, me and my friends would play 5v5 full court basketball and at the end of each of those days, we’d end up defeated utterly by those older more experienced guys, despite so I’d always tell my friends that those guys on the court weren’t gonna win for long. We’ll defeat the next time. Week after week, time after time I’d say the same thing and guess what? This time, the day ended without me saying the same thing because we finally won and it was no fluke, we did it twice in a row.

I realized that after I flared up and exploded on one of my friends, people started to take things more seriously and we changed our style of playing. We played what’d you call basketball formations where there is a movement pattern that we have to adopt. It took us time to learn it, it started off quite ugly but as time passed we got good at it and it certainly helped us clinch our victory today. Set aside the formation, another determining factor was will power or rather FIGHTING SPIRIT! Fast breaks in basketball really require a lot of energy, you’d have to sprint with all your might and get to the other end before the defense returns and today we all ran like we’ve ran before.

I feel that lately we were playing more like a team and it gave me the feeling of what’s it like to play in a real basketball club. It’s always been my dream to play in a basketball CCA in school where we get to enter competitions, stay over-night for camps, understand one another and appreciate each other. I hope I can realize this dream when I get to Australia. Whenever I tell my friends that I can’t stand physical activities in the army but yet if it were to be basketball training and even if it were to be 2 times tougher, I’d go all out. They will always highlight this as sheer irony.

[It’s all about fun, and I really love it very much.]

Never stop believing in yourself!

2009-08-22T00:11:00.005+08:00

If you’re a big fan of Slam Dunk like I am, you’d probably recall the big misconception everyone had when we saw picture 2. When many of us read this part of the story, we were damn sure Sakuragi was going to confess his love for Haruko. But damn were we wrong, instead of telling her that he loved her, he told her something that I feel strongly at the moment, he told her he loved basketball.

Ever since primary school I have watched this anime, till now I would have watched it at least 7 times and yet I will never get bored of it. In fact, I would say this anime kick started my love for basketball.

Basketball is something very special to me, it brought meaning and joy to my life. I recall during secondary 2 when I first started, I was so weak that I couldn’t even shoot the ball at point blank range. It didn’t even hit the rim. Me and 2 buddies went to the nearby neighborhood court and started challenging others, we weren’t too good initially but after 5 months or so we familiarized ourselves with the good players and we made sure that they familiarized themselves with us, and we certainly did. Each day when I went to school, I just couldn’t wait for the day to end and it was basketball for the next 3-4 hours. Day after day, there was this fire burning in my veins. The fire … the hunger to defeat someone better. I wanted to make sure that the “entire list” of well known players were beaten by me. It went pretty well and when I was about to complete ¾ of the list everything just went poof.

2 weeks ago, me and my mates went to another court to challenge some Pinoys for a couple of 5v5 full court games. Knowing how my stamina sucks, I was the first to pant frantically. Despite trying our best we lost all 3 games 6-11. The thing was that they weren’t playing at their very best

The difference between Singaporean players as compared to the Philippino’s started to become way clearer. They were huge and athletic whereas we were smaller in frame and less “Active”. It was somehow a mismatch akin to asking a featherweight boxer against a heavy weight boxer. I started to question whether some of us were destined to do some stuff while some of us aren’t. It’s like playing RPG games where things get typical, the mage always has high intelligence , the rogue always has high dexterity and the warriors always had high strength. The problem would be what if you had a high intelligence but you wanted to be a warrior instead of a mage? I started to question where my talents were, was I really that huge and overpowering in the paint? Apparently not, I’ve been challenging players who are like 188-194cm lately, and when the big boys rolled in hell did they teach me something about huge and domineering. I started to think maybe I just wasn’t cut out for certain things.

When I was in Secondary 2, my friend once said that I was going to become “Kaede Rukawa” for “Haruko’s” sake. I’m pleased to inform him that I have finally grew to become like Rukawa in 1 aspect. Unfortunately that is not basketball but sleeping. During my days of forced labor, I’ve learnt the different techniques of relaxation and dropping dead like a log when there isn’t much to do.

I recall Haruko-Akagi once telling me that I shouldn’t keep looking downwards and I should be more confident. Not that we talked much, but if there was something serious that she told me that went deep into my head, it must have been that.

I talked with one of my friends not too long ago about “Confidence”. Knowing that I don’t like to be too cocky, but I believe that we need a certain degree of confidence. This reaches out in all aspects be it work or play. But let’s talk about my favorite topic, basketball.

“Perry Rebound!”
“Perry pass out, don’t use brute force”
“Perry pass to … don’t take shot”
“Stop using your reversed shot it’s not that accurate”
“Shoot properly, don’t ally-opp”

I know that some of my friends comment on my play a lot because there really is room for improvement. But I exceptionally hate it when the original purpose becomes distorted. Just because I’m usually “Soft”, quiet and easily pushed around. It doesn’t mean I’m fine with being a scape goat where all the blames is pushed. Sometimes if you become too critical on a friend, you can seriously dampen his confidence.
Lately, I realized that it wasn’t the lack of opportunities that made my aggressiveness die down but it was my confidence. It was broken and shattered all over the place. In the past an encounter with a good player would only make me more confident and I was going to prove he wasn’t as good as everyone says, but what happens now? When I meet a stronger player I get scared and my hands get shaky and I miss a lot of my shots. In the past when the score was 10-2 (if the opponent scores one more point it would be over. Most street games are played 7 or 11 balls.) I wouldn’t give up, I would explode despite how tired I am and much to many people’s surprise it always ended up 10-11. But what happens now? When things get ugly, I start worrying and even though I try my best I always hoped that there would be someone out there who can pull us out of this shit. But why didn’t I believe I could have been that guy?

But there was this faint light within the darkness, if there was something I was proud of it would be my tenacity and guts. I wouldn’t hesitate to jump and contest the shot made by a 6 footer even if it meant “clash of the titans”.

As my confidence started to waiver, I recalled a scene in Naruto during the chunin exams. When Neiji lost, he made a casual remark that the shadow clone technique must have been Naruto’s favorite technique and his forte. However on the contrary it was his worst and he failed the ninja examinations 3 times because of it. My point is … ? I don’t have to be the best dribbler, or the sharpest shooter or the biggest man on the floor. I just got to believe in myself and play with all my heart. If I do so, I’d probably be the unstoppable juggernaut.

[Never stop believing in yourself]

UP!

2009-08-14T00:29:00.005+08:00

I recall being asked once by my peers, hey Perry why doesn’t your hairstyle change over the years? Well, I’m sort of well known for being the guy who never changes. For instance during Primary School, Leslie was my very best friend to the extent that we shared food with one another. Perhaps he from 9 years back would understand what I meant. But through the course of time when I met him 6 years after primary school, things changed a lot. He changed a lot. The gap between us seemed to be too great. Me being nerdy as ever, him being wilder than ever.

Aside from the hair and the weight fluctuation that doesn’t really change much, there’s this “Kid” within me that still seems to be there. Today I caught the movie “Up” with Kevin and it somehow reminded me of elements of a Disney Classic. There’s this something about Disney Cartoons that captivates me, it’s been a long time since I laid back and relaxed taking my mind off all else. Nothing else seems to be able to have such an effect on me. I’m too much of a worry-rat .

The first 5-10 minutes of the show was rather special. There was this instance when they talked about the chronological events that took place in Carl Fredricksen life, those moments were played in silence which I found really special. Within that particular time frame, was a scene in which Ellie found out that she was unable to conceive and she was really upset, what was special was that when Carl tried to comfort her he didn’t utter a word. Silence is the best medicine don’t you say? This brings me to a RBC discovery series “When You Don’t Know What To Say” that I have been reading lately.

Around a year ago, something hard struck someone whom I knew. It was a rather strange situation, one that would be common in television series but perhaps rare if it came to reality. I really wanted to comfort the particular person but instead of doing so, I said something rather stupid. (I think I say stupid things most of the time -.-“, I realized that I’m not very eloquent during most situations that require me to say something wise, I’d need to take some time to sit back and pen down my thoughts.)

The book mentioned something that I felt made a lot of sense. If your ever in an awkward situation and you don’t know what to say, go and be silent because you’re going there not as a fixer but someone who cares. Quote from this short booklet “There was simply a person choosing to be there – acting silently as a balm of compassion to his wounded friend’s heart”. Remember your not there to give answers that only god can give.

Now back to the show … there was this part that I felt rather sad, that was when Ellie passed away and I’ve actually pictured this in my minds quite a number of times. If I was in his boots and my other half disappeared what would I do. Well back to my typical answer “I don’t know …” but I’d wish death fell upon me A.S.A.P . During certain parts of the show I actually sensed some of the social issues that were brought up, such as the elderly etc… I believe that children and cartoons actually bring a greater impact upon society.

If in the future, if I was given the opportunity to I’d perhaps take up some literature stuff alongside scriptwriting. I hope that I could write cartoon scripts for companies. I believe in order to heal this broken world, something has to be done. If I could put on my thinking cap and weave scripts that allowed Disney cartoons to bring across messages regarding society, I believe that the impact it would bring about to the world would perhaps make it a better place to live in.

(Where could my elegant cup filled with sugar be?)

“Silence the best medicine the World needs” – Perry Tan

2009-07-28T23:49:00.002+08:00

These days, I don’t even know what I’m living for anymore. I don’t know why do I bother even to get up in the morning …

“Silence the best medicine the World needs” – Perry Tan

Lately melancholia fills the air and it’s so dense that it’s overwhelming me. It’s somewhat like a black hole, a force that is so compelling that it drains all life forms. If I were to be placed in a forest rich with life forms, I’m pretty sure all the flowers and trees will wither and die almost instantly.

In the past couple of nights, my mind has been overloaded with questions that I ponder myself with. Each night my mind seems to portray an image which submerges my thoughts into this pool of never ending sadness. Ever wondered what it’s like to be placed into a wide large empty room with only your bed in the middle and the windows at the very end of the walls? It might seem pretty silly for most people but this is how I feel at the moment.
If you ever feel like bullying somebody at the moment, trust me there would be no better punching bag out there but me. I’m so tired that if I get hit I wouldn’t retaliate. I’m so tired that if you were to scold the fuck shit out of me, I’d just keep silent. I’m so tired that it’s not just my mouth but my mind that seems to be stitched. My thoughts are so heavy that I feel like a gladiator who just can’t stop but to put down his sword and fall into deep unconsciousness, in hope that this sanctuary of darkness would keep him comfort.

Where did things go wrong? Why did things have to turn out this way? Did the fault lie with me? How can I reach out to an arm trapped in a room when the door is locked? How can I get 2 people on parallel mindsets meet? I just hate myself so much. Why don’t I have the answers? Why am I always so helpless? Why do I always end up with the question “I don’t know?”

(Ever pictured anything like this? Someday when you feel this way, you’d feel how I’m feeling at the moment.)

If there was this “restart” button in life, I’d swear I’d press it so many times today that the button never works again. My thoughts have drifted towards the movie seven pounds and it might seem rather stupid but I’ve been thinking about countless ways to end my life in hope that this sacrifice can help heal this dark world of its pain.

Recall my analogy I spoke of about human relationships? That they were like paper and ink easily stained? I’m starting to lose hope and confidence about human relationships because they are simply too fragile, I’m afraid that all else like such would be like bubbles that just go poof into air throughout the course of time. I have a friend who described me as the invisible man. I believe that this person has described me in somewhat the right way. Because sometimes being invisible helps to protect these things that we so easily destroy.

To all my readers out there, treasure the relationship you have with anyone out there because. “Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways” - Stephen Vincent Benet.

One day, when you realize that through the course of time when the bond drifts apart and all of a sudden it goes poof, you’d ask yourself many of the questions I asked myself above. This pain isn’t something that mere words can describe; it’s like having your soul ripped out of you. If my measly life could save the many tormented souls out there I would be the first to volunteer to kick the bucket. If there’s a problem with whatever relationship that your having, do something about it. It takes 2 hands to clap and if you think that time itself will stand in and do your job, than it’s high time someone had slapped that bullshit out of you because if no one gives a fuck shit then your relationship is just going to go down the drain.
Hold this quote by Ghandi close to you “Be the change you wish to see in this world”.

I know that things will never be what I hope for it to be anymore. It’s going to be picture – imperfect. But I don’t care whether it’s perfect anymore. I’m just going to try my best to piece all the broken fragments together. I often imagine myself as the freedom gundam (A robot with multiple cannons that can protect everyone in danger). But now I know that I’m no freedom gundam and perhaps I was just a mere strike dagger (A very lousy robot). But this strike dagger is going to defend whatever that is left with all his strength, his heart and soul.)

It’s high time I grew up. I often complain that I do not have the strength, the courage and the wisdom to face up to the challenges that are ahead of me. But no matter how heavy this baggage is, I have to live up to become the better man that I’m supposed to be. To become a filial son, grandson, a responsible brother. What I would say truly defines a “MAN”. (If partaking in some conscription would make a man out of you, you could try stabbing someone with a knife and be subjected to the same prison conditions. But I would feel sad for you because it’s neither the vulgarities you spout nor the toughness you portray to others that make you a man. But it’s the courage you posses, recall that courage is not the absence of fear but it is the judgment that something is more important the fear itself.

[In life, there is no such thing as an “Answer” there is only something called the “Pursuit of Answers”. I do not know most of the answers to the most perplexing questions, however what I do know is that like a hunter I have to be constantly on the move to prey on the “What Next (The Answer)?” that is never within sight. Ever wondered why the word pursuit in there? Because it’s all a wild goose chase. – Perry Tan]

Fear Worry and Anxiety

2009-07-22T22:34:00.000+08:00

Often through times of adversity only will you see the real “You”. Don’t you say.

About a week ago, I went to watch Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. There was this particular scene that I felt pretty strongly to what I mentioned above. Just curious, what was your first impression of Albus Dumbledore? When I first caught him on film, I felt he was wise and patient one who would be held with high esteem. Little did you realize that through adversity, you would see the ugliest sight of him. Recall the scene in which he forced himself to drink the potion from the Hocrux but at the same time he begged for mercy? I’m not despising him rather I felt whatever he did was exceptionally brave.

Remember Suman from D.Gray Man? He faced adversity and was about to die at the hands of Tyki Mikk. What did we see in the once brave and powerful Suman? We saw the ugliest sight of him, one who cowered in fear and begged for mercy to the extent of betraying his comrades. Once again I didn’t really despise him because I found him exceptionally pitiful. Although most of the viewers would criticize him for being such a wuss, however what the hell do they know? If they were put in the same situation, what would they have done? All humans have certain forms of fears. Some of us are afraid to face pain, hardship and some death.

Yesterday, I visited a specialist with regards to one of the medical problems. Couple of months ago before I was supposed to be enlisted, I was diagnosed with recurrent tonsillitis and sinusitis. I was scheduled for surgery but I opted out because I didn’t want my Official Release of Duty (ORD) to be lengthened as I had to attend further studies right after “going through my 2 years of shit”. (In case you didn’t realize what I was referring to I mean conscription.)

(Here comes the part where facing adversity you see the ugliest sight of me and how pathetic I can get.) Apparently my sinusitis got worse, I was diagnosed with chronic sinusitis and nasal polyps which has affected my breathing passage. I was highly advised to go for surgery once my sinus infection was treated but apparently I tried to delay it. Why? It was because I wanted my condition to turn for the worse that way the “So-Called-Doctor” who is blind can finally see and would have no choice but to deem me unfit for combat duties which in another word means down-pes. Pretty pathetic don’t you think? Some others who are in the same predicament as I am even had thoughts of hurting themselves or exacerbating their health conditions.

Sometimes, we shouldn’t take sentiments too lightly. I remember telling myself that I would do whatever it takes for god to make me a stronger person and when we usually ask for something like that to happen, It usually involves yourself jumping into the furnace of affliction. You would have to go through hardship, adversity and living-hell! My initial positive stance wavered and my motive to become stronger was lost. Things didn’t turn out the way I hope for it to be (the more i'm forced to do something the more rebellious i get) and I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and I just wanted to get the hell out of the shit I was in.

I really don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m not sure whether my desperate attempts would turn out the way I hope for it to be, but what I’m sure of is that I am starting to learn to live one day at a time, trusting god on my worries because it is said that worrying is foolish, futile and faithless. (I know my friend the other control freak. Another huge pessimist like myself would certainly disagree. But there comes a point in time when you feel otherwise). I often struggle between 2 forces like the one in my previous post but there comes a time when my mind becomes clearly sorted out. It’s the pivotal point in which you judge whether an action was wise a not, whether a not you would have done the same thing if time could repeat itself. I certainly have found my answer.

The Axis of Evil

2009-07-12T20:05:00.000+08:00

“ The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together.” ~Erma Bombeck

Human beings take loads of things for granted, we often need to have “things” taken away from us before we learn to cherish them. The past 3 weeks that I’ve been through reminded me of my ignorance.
When I was a kid say around 10 I often felt that my parents were really irritating and how I wished I could be left alone, there was this instance I wished that I could be sent to some boarding school abroad. Thank god wishes don’t always come true, because we often don’t really know what we want.

[This post wasn’t written in a day, it is getting somewhat difficult to pen down my thoughts]

If (Mr. One Bar) was right about one thing, he certainly was right when he said that no one could understand what we’ve been through and no words could express how we felt. Instead of “re-enacting “ the entire process, rather I would describe how I felt at various points of time.

Have you ever seen every hopeful situation as the last?
Seen each morning as despair and each night as hope?
Seen every exit of misery as an entrance to another?
Well after entering the “axis of evil” , these thoughts often crossed my mind. Other than these negative thoughts, I have became really short tempered, I’m like this fire breathing dragon I was once.

Currently, I’m torn apart by 2 compelling forces. One, the weaker me that cowers in fear [this reminds me of the quote from transformers 3, “Not to call you a coward, master... But, sometimes cowards do survive” – Starscream] the other, the righteous part of me that fills my heart with guilt.

O.K.S was a friend of mine, one that I knew before experiencing certain depths of hell with. He was someone I knew for several years one whom had his fair share of strength and flaws. O.K.S was a fair fellow, he loathes the thought of being under the sun and he was physically much weaker than I was but what made me grew to respect him was his endurance. He was supposed to crumble way before I did but it apparently turned out to be the opposite. Was it true that my body could not take the “torture” or was it my mind that was weak? My departure from “Z” certainly made me feel guilty because apparently Shawn was right, I wussed out and I certainly felt that I betrayed them.

I don’t know why, but I have this feeling that god is trying to make me understand that I should become a “happy-go-lucky” type of person. I need to learn to stop being a control freak worrying about every single possible outcome and just live one day at a time.

“ Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived. “ ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

This is really true don’t you say? There are too many possibilities and I seem to have no control over them. Whether I was destined to be an iron clad juggernaut or a mentally agile strategist that is for god to decide. (I must remember the SFGTD box more often)

Powerless or PLazy

2009-05-23T00:14:00.000+08:00

Do you believe that the going of life made us who we are? Didn’t some idiot say that Gilbert Arenas wouldn’t even a minute of playing time when he got to the University of Arizona? Would he be so obsessed with proving people wrong if that didn’t happen?

I recall my past when I was in Nanyang Primary School, knowing that I ain’t too bright it was always great to know that I wasn’t last but perhaps second last. But there a came a time when things changed, the girl who use to got last got scolded the shit out of her ass by one of the teachers and what happened? Damn did she became smart, got like 23+ for the PSLE. If that girl didn’t get scolded would she have changed?

You see, during our life time Values and Morales that are instilled on us are somewhat governed by the events that took place. Likewise in my storybook, things happened and they made me who I am. Knowing who I am, I like justice to be served but lately, I seem to cower with fear. I back off at the sight of danger and sometimes I really wonder if I’m doing the right thing.

Here comes the story where I come across someone so hurt, a person who seems to be condemned to oblivion. Someone who gets look down, trampled and ridiculed by others. Yet for years and years the tide did not turn for him, even luck wasn’t on his side. Have you met someone who has absolutely no one to turn to?

A typical scene we see in drams would be teenage pregnancies where the girl who describe her sad tale of venturing to the pharmacy in search of the pregnancy kit at the same time avoiding the “Eye of ostracism” that others give. Ever wondered how that would feel? Well, the person I am describing is one such person who is overly cautious of others. This person believes that everyone out there is his enemy and jumps to conclusions too quickly and most often towards the negative aspect. Entrapped and caged he seems and how I wish I could make a difference by freeing this poor soul, but yet how much could I help? I often tell myself I could if I would, but now I’m starting to really wonder if all the food that I’m eating lately is stuck up my head and I’m thinking clearly and I’m plain lazy.

I’m a man who thinks of the consequences before I act, I imagine all the possible scenarios that might happen and how I would react to it, I believe that I’m behaving responsibly. By portraying myself as a man who doesn’t give a shit and one who bows down to tyranny I actually think of the bigger picture, if stepping up and snapping my mouth at every sight of injustice will make a difference, certainly I would. But if it wouldn’t what’s the point? There’s this Chinese saying “君子報仇十年不晚” if you were to translate it to English it would probably be "The gentleman hugs the enmity ten years is not late." Instead of making a meaningless sacrifice I believe that I can contain the vengeance that those victims seek and weave it into something great, something that doesn’t just defend one man who has been treated unequally but everyone regardless of who they are. If you still can’t understand what I’m saying, basically I mean to make reforms be it in the planes where laws exist or the social planes of ostracism. Problem is can one tolerate and hold out till then? Trust me it hurts, it’s somewhat like having an arrow shot into your ass and your dying to pull it out, but at the same time pulling it out somewhat punctures the wound.

I wonder after Army, What's going to happen ...

2009-05-08T01:05:00.001+08:00

Perhaps most people would find the way I write filled with randomness, but that is exactly how it is. I believe the way I write is similar to tossing all the jigsaw puzzle pieces on the table. Each of these pieces represents events that took place in my life that have widened outlooks or caused me great emotional distress. From time to time, I pick up my virtual pen to knit these “pieces” together to form “My Story”.

After each milestone in my life, I tend to remind myself of a quote “When one door closes, another opens, but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” -Alexander Graham Bell
I believe most of my friends by now would have realized that I am somewhat like a “Dinosaur”. Why would I say so? Recall … why did most dinosaurs get extinct? This is because they were not susceptible to changes in the environment. Like them, I am a sentimental old fool who tends to turn back to look too often. That’s why I often require quotes and wise sayings like the one above, to empower me.

However, unlike most of the milestones that I experienced in my life this one will be very different. This new route that I will be travelling in life won’t just be some kind of transition phase. It would cause me to lose too much in life. June 12th would probably be the last day I would be playing with my group of basketball mates on a regular basis. I got to know Yu Chin and Shi Kang during my secondary school days. We got to know one another during secondary 2 through a typical 3v3 ball game.
During secondary 3, we get to know one another better through another friend. From then on, we got together to play ball games together very often. Although it was quite clear cut that the people from the express stream hang out with one another and those from the Normal academic stream vice versa, however this social barrier that existed did not extend its reach towards us. Despite what some people would say that they might be bad influence on me, however I felt otherwise. I felt that they were good people with morale values.

During Secondary 4 due to my O’ Level examinations I stopped playing basketball for a very long time. The long pause continued till the start of Year 2 in my poly life. It was then these 2 friends re-ignite the fire within me once again. I got to know many more friends who were all from my secondary school many of them my juniors. It was extremely fun playing with them because I could get very physical giving it my 100% without being afraid that they would behave like some sissy gangsters who expect to be unmarked such that they could shoot freely. Unlike most of them, I don’t really dine out often so we don’t really hang out that much but you know, I don’t really express myself very well but I really appreciate the time we spent together.

Unlike most people who enter a similar phase in life, mine doesn’t stop after 2 years. To most of them at the end of 2 years most things would resume normally, but to me it would just be a beginning of another adventure. This new adventure would make me lose even more precious things that extend beyond friends.

Yesterday I read a chain mail that my friend sent. Here’s what it says “If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do Not attempt to resolve it yourself! Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. I will get to it in MY TIME. All situations will be resolved, but in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it by worrying about it. Instead, focus on all the wonderful things that are present in your life now.” [That friend who sent me this, in case you didn't know but you certainly have touched my life in some way]

This once again reaffirmed me that I had to do what I have been doing. I guess it’s true that we really need the strength, the courage and the wisdom from god to tide us over our worries. Throughout the past couple of years, I often complain of how imperfect the world is and somehow these thoughts drifted to how imperfect I was and I started to hate and resent myself.

Yesterday Zubin came over to my house to crash! Played computer games and had hearty chats later on about how stupid human beings can get. You know, human beings just need an explanation for everything, and when we don’t have the answers we usually make a ruckus and come up with some "Theories" to satisfy ourselves.

Currently, I feel that in life there are just too many things that can’t be explained. Too many complications that need not be further complicated. Too many issues the lies beyond a yes and a no.

In the anime, Full Metal Alchemist my favourite quote would be “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy's first law of Equivalent Exchange. In those days, we really believed that to be the world's one, and only, truth. But the world isn't perfect, and the law is incomplete. Equivalent Exchange doesn't encompass everything that goes on here, but I still choose to believe in its principle, that all things do come at a price, that there's an ebb and a flow, a cycle, that the pain we went through, did have a reward, and that anyone who's determined and perseveres, will get something of value in return, even if it's not what they expected. I don't think of Equivalent Exchange as a law of the world anymore. I think of it as a promise, between my brother and me. A promise that someday, we'll see each other again.” – Alphonse Elric

Well right now, there’s nothing I can do but to live on bravely and to believe the promise like Alphonse did that my sacrifices will not be in vain. To live on to fight for my tomorrow, the life that I want.

Here are 2 quotes that can relate strongly to how I feel at the moment.
“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.” - Gilda Radner:

“How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when one is fully aware of the blood, the horror inherent in life, when one finds darkness not only in one's culture but within oneself? If there is a stage at which an individual life becomes truly adult, it must be when one grasps the irony in its unfolding and accepts responsibility for a life lived in the midst of such paradox. One must live in the middle of contradiction, because if all contradiction were eliminated at once life would collapse. There are simply no answers to some of the great pressing questions. You continue to live them out, making your life a worthy expression of leaning into the light.” - Barry Lopez

Cousin Ely's Wedding and My Brisbane Trip

2009-04-19T20:14:00.000+08:00

It’s been nearly a week since I returned from my trip to Brisbane. The current trip wasn’t really very much different from the previous one. There was the glow-worm cave, Tomato Brother’s Italian Restaurant that served excellent firewood pizza, went to church, visited another theme park and ate till I felt like puking every time. Even though they were perhaps a little repetitive, I enjoyed it a lot. But if there was one thing that I really benefited from the trip it was the insights that it provided me with.

Well, loads of things happened that embraced me with various emotions during the 1 week visit. To summarize what happened, it could be categorized into 3 sections. My Cousin’s Wedding, the Church Message and movies.

My Cousin got married during the 11th of April on a Saturday. I woke up early morning so as to not hog the toilet due to the “Heavy Traffic”. Got dressed, it’s the first time I wore a suit but sadly I forgot to bring the cufflinks but anyway that’s not really important. This is the first time I attended someone’s wedding as a best man. Even though everyone made it really easy for me, but come to think about it I’m pretty useless sometimes. Well, if anyone of you out there was ever invited to be a best man, take it from me that at the very least you got to have really strong legs that could last standing still for an hour plus and when you accompany the groom to go to the bride’s place you got to be ready for some of the trick up the sleeves of those who are there. The good thing was that they didn’t make it really hard for us, we just had to do 25 squat jumps and sing a song. But damn was Kevin (The other Best Man) and myself useless. Well I did suggest the song but then … apparently we didn’t sing, we left another guy to sing along with the groom. (LOL!)

Set aside the experience of being the best man. The part that moved me the most was the wedding ceremony that took place at the church. The Pastor’s speech made me realize how beautiful and sacred “Wedding” actually meant and I absolutely feel that many young couples these days have a colossal misunderstanding about it.
It’s been a week since it happened and I didn’t really bring my computer to Australia, meaning whatever is written here isn’t done so when emotions are heightened. To add on to that my memory isn’t really good. Well I can’t really remember word for word but it went along the lines of … the 3 “L’s … Love, Loyalty and the Lord”.

"Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the Word, that He might present the church to Himself in glorious splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such things--that she might be holy and faultless. Even so husbands should love their wives as (being in a sense) their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the church. Because we are members (parts) of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning (the relation of) Christ and the church. However, let each man of you (without exception) love his wife (being in a sense) his very own self; and let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband--that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly" (Ephesians 5: 25-33, Amplified Bible).

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior" (Ephesians 5:22-23). "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25). "In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church” (Ephesians 5:28-29). “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh” (Ephesians 5:31).

The pastor shared with us about this with regards to a very common argument between couples. Many at times, couples question themselves who love the other more, who was willing to give in and make more sacrifices. I felt that what he said was applicable to other contexts as well, for instance friends. Why should person A be a true friend to person B when person B doesn’t try to be a true friend to person A. You know what’s the problem? That is humans sometimes dun really have initiative, we are just god damn selfish. We want others to treat us well before we treat others well. However the pastor mentioned that it is written that the husband should be one that initiates this first. Since men and women are portrayed as Christ and the church, men should love his wife like how Christ loved the church till the extent of death itself.
Well the speech when on, and I can’t really remember what he said. The irritating part was I was suppose to stand still but I just felt like crying because I felt that marriage is a really beautiful thing and I was happy that my Cousin have found someone who would give himself up for her. That tear drop really irritated me a lot when I was supposed to stand still.

Here is a quote related to what I have mentioned "An ideal wife is any woman who has an ideal husband." - Booth Tarkington

Ok, I’m done with this chapter but there is a sub section in which the “ICS” (Inferior-Complex-Syndrome) kicked in. The other best man was just 4 years older than me his only like coming to 25 and I was kind of envious of the life that he had. Well he has a nice BMW car and his a graduate in Masters Bio-Engineering, his working and doing well. His so young and yet he is so independent, what I admire about him is that he earned all those things himself, he bought his car all by himself too. When I look at myself, I question whether a not I would ever be able to do the same in 4 years time and sadly the answer is a no. I’d still be studying and perhaps graduate from medical school when I’m 29. That’s like ridiculously old!

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Now the next chapter would be about some of the thoughts that I received at church visit. You know, sometimes I really question myself if I really am a young adult and whether a not I am suffering from ADHD deficiency. When it comes to serious events, I find that me and my sister can joke about the most nonsensical things at the mot inappropriate times. Anyways, there was a guest speaker at church who shared about her testimony and whether there really was a spirit realm, I do sympathize with her but it wasn’t the thing that got me convicted. It wasn’t the guest speaker who said something that got me thinking but it was my older aunt.
She asked a simple question, what did it meant to be a Christian. I thought for a while and came up with a list of “To Do’s” only to realize that the entire truth lies in 1 sentence, which was to be willing to give up everything and follow god obediently. This ties me with one of my readings that I had earlier on while reading up on one my debate friend’s whom I haven’t been contacting much lately. Well, she posted a video about “Breaking the bond”, it’s true that many Christians like myself are too bonded by earthly matters that we are unable to let go and sacrifice everything to follow god. I wonder if there will ever come a day in which I will be able to do so.

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Now the final section about this post would be about some of the movies I watched on the plane. The movie “Marley and Me” made me really feel like crying at the end, I realized that it is true that one of my greatest fears would be to be forgotten and seeing loved ones leave. After the death of my pet hamster patches I did have a phobia of taking another pet, because with great happiness comes great sadness as well. But, I think I might really consider having a puppy in the future when I move overseas. Because a dog is really man’s best friend.

“A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?” – Marley and Me

I'm still Learning ...

2009-04-07T08:00:00.000+08:00

Last night was one of those nights that really irritated me, I was tossing and turning in bed from 12am till 4am. It was one of those days that my inner man, conscience or whatever you call it had to visit. I laid back and thought about a lot of things, ranging to the existence of human beings to people whom I know of 6 years ago. Their kind of unrelated, however you know I am quite a genius at connecting things such that they reach a far-fetched extent.

Some random thoughts, close your eyes and think about the greatest wrong you have done and the greatest evil that you have committed, do these thoughts haunt you?

Some people believe that the existence of human beings is simply an abomination, yesterday my thoughts ventured towards a similar frequency to these group of people. Look what has human beings brought to the world, it’s bad enough that they have been harming the ecosystem but it doesn’t just end there, we start dominating other creatures and animals because we think we are superior, what if one day there were superior beings for example “Innovators”? Are these “beings” allowed to rule over us then? Let’s not get too extreme with my examples, let’s just take a look at how humans interact with one another, it looks to me that we just bring no end to this suffering to one another. Couple days back I let my anger get the better of me and I threw my fists of fury and I think I damaged my knuckles. It’s apparently a very stupid thing to do, because we can’t solve conflicts with brute force but rather we have to learn to understand one another.

Ever since birth, human beings were subjected to different fates. For some of us we were born with a golden spoon, some others were born leaders, others were born geniuses, but there are too those that were born with misfortune, others with illnesses and some others just ugly. But what happens if someone points at you and laughs at the fate your subjected? Damn would you hope that certain things could be changed but you know it can’t. The more we hate the fates that we are subjected to, the more we hate ourselves. But honestly, who here doesn’t hate being himself? Who never hopes he could be someone else? As humans look to the future and tremble at its sight, all that’s left is to face it courageously.

“Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.” - Dorothy Thompson

[I’m a guy that’s unsusceptible to changes, a sentimental old fool who turns back to look what has happened too often]

My Tomorrow

2009-03-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

During year 1 in Republic Polytechnic, I was posed a question by one of the facilitators. It went around the lines of “How close should friends be?”

My response to this question was even if he were to be my best friend, we need to draw a line. That line isn’t there to show how anti-social I am but rather it is there to protect our friendship. Throughout the years, happenings that took place questioned me on whether a not this line is necessary in other contexts as well, for instance family and sadly I have found my answer.

Around half a year back I wrote about how difficult it was for human beings to forgive one another. Recent happenings have invoked feelings that I once had. This was the feeling of insecurity, insensitivity and how fragile human relationships are. The analogy that I used is very suitable in this context as well. You know, before we talk or do something we have to bear in mind the consequences that come along.

Human relationships are like a piece of white paper, whatever we do or say are written down in ink but once we bring about hurtful and insensitive remarks, this once white piece of paper becomes stained with loads and loads black ink, and that’s why it’s so difficult to forgive and forget because this ink will stimulate certain undesirable memories. However if we draw a line then at least there will be portions of this paper which are still white. Sometimes the closer you get to someone the further it turns out to be. How paradoxical?

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(This isn’t really a separate post, their linked but not everyone could picture what I’m trying to potray because my mind is simply too messed up.)

Lately the pencil that captures my thoughts seems to break really easily, not once after my previous post have I been able to focus my thoughts. My mind is perhaps in the slums, and I’m like one of those drunkards lazing about the streets.

“Drunkard” apparently is the most appropriate word to use. I am currently a good for nothing lazing about, the idea of trying to kill time by getting myself engrossed with a new role playing game was a total failure. Maybe I really am too old for this kind of shit. Each day I wake up at nearly 1pm and turn in at 3 am in the morning. If your thinking that I really am plain lazy you’re wrong. Each day, I wake up facing my greatest enemy that is “Time”. Most of my friends who are studying overseas are extremely busy at the moment, they work on assignment after assignment some complain of how busy they can possibly get, yet I envy them because time seems so difficult to pass and that is exactly the reason why I turn in that late hoping to wake up really late as well.

The frequent wet weather has disrupted my daily exercise regime and each day I could only look forward to the 2 hour slot of drama and the late night in DoTA inhouse game. I finished watching Hajime no Ippo lately and sadly there isn’t any anime to stir me on, I often wish that I was Ippo. Not because I really love boxing but it was because he had something to fight for and I have none.

But is there really nothing to fight for? I believe me and my good friend Zubin can set up a club known as “The Procrastinators”. I know what’s wrong, I know what I have to do, but I simply sit around hoping that change will come along with time and situations. A common excuse I gave myself when it rains is let’s just sit back and play DoTA and not exercise for the day. This wasn’t how I used to behave, when I was still schooling I told myself that if it rains I would just have to do a different form of workout and it would be even harder so I better pray that it doesn’t rain.

Sometimes I tell myself, I didn’t make it big in certain fields because the situation isn’t right. Sometimes the people around me just didn’t make it right,
Sometimes the schedule was tight and things didn’t fit right,
Sometimes I think it’s just a whole load off bull crap and I’m creating excuses for myself.

This once preserving attitude of mine was triggered once again by a quote.
“Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.” – Barrack Obama

(Despite how uncertain and cloudy life might seem for me, however I know what I have to fight for and that is a better tomorrow … My Tomorrow)

The Best Man.

2009-03-02T16:33:00.000+08:00

I believe most people who read about me, know that my mind is always constantly trapped in labyrinth. I seem to be wandering around circles most of the time because I’m too often confused and dumbfounded even by simple things. Well you could say that the guy isn’t too bright but fact is sometimes we are just lost.
Yesterday I went to church and I began questioning myself with regards to certain stuff. Are certain actions just representations of emotions? I start to find it difficult to become a Christian. I think I am just god damn selfish sometimes. But you know, I’m really trying my best to become a better person. Patience is something that I have been lacking a lot lately. I seem to get irritated and burst into rage really easily. You know, sometimes I really wonder if there’s a clear distinct difference between a philosophy and a religion. You know, at the end of the day I recall a quote “Everyone has a yard stick or what’s right and wrong”. Is it true that I should just follow my heart and do what I think is right? What if it is right to me but wrong to another? So what’s suppose to be right? Why is everything so paradoxical? Sigh ...

(Gundam 00, like all others gundam series is really good. Its the type that leaves people feeling a variety of emotions. Even the ending song has great meaning if you bother to read and think about it.)

Well aside from feeling confused, perhaps the most foreign thing that happened to me would be gaining more new experiences. Last week was the first time visited a Chinese sensei. I always thought TCM was hocus pocus and even though hearing all sorts of success stories and it’s thousands years of history, I somehow always had this doubt within me. Well, my grandmother was worried about me going for the surgery and somehow she didn’t like the idea so my mom brought me to get second opinions and eventually we ended up opting out of the surgery and taking long term Chinese medicine. Well, this brings about one of my crazy ideas of venturing into the idea of merging the east and the west in the aspect of medicine. Even though I have doubts about it, but I guess a few thousand years of histories isn’t bullshit either.

Apart from opting out of surgery, the next biggest thing that happen is that I had to assume the role as best man during my cousin’s wedding. I mean come on, why me of all people? You can’t find a sotong that’s as blur as me out there. I don’t even know what I am suppose to do. But even though so, I'm really honoured to assume the role and I am kind of excited as well. My friend Zubin says it’s a slacking job where you just smile smile, collect money and help yourself to the refreshments. Well the hard part would be sharing the burden with the groom, eating all sorts of weird food if you know what I mean XD. LOL the way he put it was hilarious. Today, I went with my mom to get the suit ready for the wedding. It’s my childhood dream to wear a suit you know. But apparently it isn’t much of something that I really want to do now. It just makes me look older than ever. It’s like the first time I wore something that formal and apparently the cost of such adult stuff was jaw-dropping too. Set aside that the next coolest thing would be buying cufflinks. I never knew what it was, and the first time I heard the word cufflink would be in the video of the recollections Rocky had of Mickey. At first I thought it was some sort of necklace, but apparently it’s more of a legitimate form of male jewellery.

My List of Childhood dreams
... When I was 6 years old, I wanted to be a street fighter
... When I was 7 years old, I wanted to be a race car driver
... When I was 8 years old, I wanted to be an astronaut
... When I was 9 years old, I wanted to be spiderman
... and just when you thought things change
.... When I was 20 years old, I wanted to be a medieval knight (LOLOLOLOL !)

You know, I realize that as we grow up things change really a lot. Some childhood dreams remain as childhood dreams meaning you don’t really take them along as you get older. I used to love playing bumper car rides and I would bug my mom to get me into a Go-Kart and she apparently hates the idea of me dying to ride on it. Well the thought of learning driving these days just bores me out. I mean it’s not really fun anymore. It’s more like difficult.

Recently, I’ve been watching anime of distinct contrasts. Fushigi Yugii was exteremly feminine, perhaps the most feminine anime that I have watched. Hajimei no Ippo is totally awesome, it’s a total guy anime that’s super cool. It makes me feel like taking up boxing when I get to university. I guess we all have our worries, I love basketball but what if the community is too small and the people are really assholes? I will miss my basketball mates when I leave, it’s so rare to find a group where you can play giving it your 100% being very physical in the sport but at the same time having good sportsmanship and being not quick to take offence. I hope I can find such a group in the future and if I don’t, that’s where boxing kicks in. You know boxing isn’t like other sports it’s not like basketball where it’s a team effort, it’s not something where you depend on others. When you get into the ring, your all alone.

( I have to stay away from grocery shops, every visit leaves me a KG heavier. Rain rain go away! T_T)

Tiring weekend that she left...

2009-02-15T20:26:00.000+08:00

This week has been extremely tiring for me. Knowing that I am not one that goes out very often. I have been out for the entire week.

Monday: NS Medical Checkup
Tuesday: Supposedly ... a job interview
Wednesday: Supposedly ... celebrate B’day with Kevin but ended up going out with my Cousin
Thursday: Went to send the girls off
Friday: Went out to have dinner with my cousin and an old neighbour
Saturday: Spend the day watching movie with Wei Liang

Today, Sunday was extremely tiring yet fun. The guys are back playing basketball again around 16 of us turned up. Played from 2.15pm till 7.15pm, it’s been ages since I played 5 hours, and what’s most memorable was that my team won all 15 games. We were unstoppable, I had like 30 shot blocks. Its the first time I won so many games and block so many shots.

It’s been a feasting season ever since Chinese New Year, day after day it was buffet after buffet, snacks after snacks, steamboat after steamboat and supper after supper. It’s all going to stop tomorrow, time to get back to the routine based lifestyle and to work on the promises I made to myself.

The “Curious Case of Benjamin Button” was pretty alright, well what left the greatest impact was the part about it’s not nice to get younger instead of older. It reminds me of a scene in the movie Rocky 5. What I liked a lot too, was the part about how the author made the lives of people affecting one another.

Here are some quotes that I love a lot.
"For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit... start whenever you want... you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again." – Benjamin Button

"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance." – Benjamin Button

(I’m not a great fan of boxing, in fact I know nuts about it but I believe that there are always words of wisdom to learn from everyone. You know, there’s wasn’t really many people to give me advice when I really needed it. Sometimes learning from seers from the past actually fills this gap of mine. I too wish that I had coach, that would scold me giving me good advice when I need it etc... I hope that I would have a basketball coach in the future. I know that with my mediocre skills I wouldn’t make it into the NBA but you know, I just want to be part of something big and it’s never too late to start. Look at people like Manu Ginobili from the the San Antonio Spurs. He entered the league really late at the age of 25, and also he was the first from Latin America to join the NBA. Look at some others like Gilbert Arenas nicknamed agent 0. Nobody saw his talent, some even mocked that he would have 0 game play time in matches. What happened to these people? They turned out great. )

Let our fates intertwine

2009-02-11T01:29:00.001+08:00

162,000 and the clock continues to tick mercilessly, alongside the unstoppable march of time, the scorching heat of the sun seems to have dried up the well containing the water of life. I sat down at my usual thinking spot and pondered about what should be and should not be done. Despite lost, I tried to find a direction and unknowingly I picked up my pace and started writing my piece to some of my friends. After all, it is through the works of chance that many of us got to know one another.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

[Destiny decides whether the fate of men should intertwine]

Only GOD can JUDGE me

2009-02-05T22:09:00.000+08:00

Today was another day in which I saw the ugly side of humanity. Like the sirens that go on in Gotham City each day, today was no different. Whenever humans get into quarrels, they just start hurling words at one another and what happens is that they lose control of their sanity and they themselves have no idea what the heck they are talking about. You know what happens when you get into a fight with another? Instead of word wrestling to check out who has a greater range of Hokkien vocabulary, just keep silent, walk away and give one another a time out session. (Matthew 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”)

Perhaps the most insightful phrase that have caught my ears would be “Do not be quick to take offence”. I’m trying to train this aspect along with patience till a point in which when someone tells me something I already know, I would keep meek and let him finish taking it as though I did not know it beforehand.

I’m really disappointed on what “Home” has become, it’s already torn and tattered and in a couple of months time it will totally be torn apart. But perhaps that is god’s plan and once again I’m just a chess piece who has to fulfil my role.
I love Kenyon’s Martin’s tattoo which says “ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME!”. Certainly this is true, don’t go around judging others when we don’t have the right to do so. Humans are all sinners, who dare raise his or her hand to say that he or she has done no wrong in this life? If we all stop being so judgemental on one another the world would be definitely a better place to live in.

(I’m always lost at what to do)

Lord Forgive Me

2009-02-01T12:57:00.000+08:00

(Unlike my usual style of ending with a song, this time I would like to start with a song <”The Heart of Worship”> that I love a lot. Check out the lyrics, www.stlyrics.com/songs/m/mattredman20504/theheartofworship929505.html // it is related to what I will be sharing)

If you have been an avid reader, recall the post that I written about 2 months ago which started off with ... “Unleash the beast within”. Today’s sermon hit me really hard, the message revolved around this song and it was somehow rings a bell within me.

In my previous post, I shared about my quest about becoming a better man and I finally understood what I wanted to achieve at the end of the day. That is to stand “right” in the presence of god. Sadly, this is simply impossible, because I can’t do it with my own strength. I am a grave sinner and only through the grace of god that I will be able to live righteously.

I’m really afraid of myself at times, the human heart is simply too defile. I’m very afraid that I will not be able to suppress my dark side and I would fumble and commit sin after sin. Think about this, if someone spouts hurtful remarks all the time or has some sexually transmitted disease, is it the mouth that is defile or perhaps the body? If your thinking yea it’s both, well your wrong. It all stems with the heart. I recall a conversation I had with one of my best friends that “when the very thought crosses your mind, you have already done wrong. First the thought followed by the action”. Up till now, I still stick to my guns. I believe that we should see no evil, hear no evil and do no evil. Whoever see this and feels otherwise, call be a stubborn blockhead if you must but I still think that it should be this way.

I realized that I have failed to love my enemies, and at times I even have the evil intent or ripping them apart. Matthew 5:43-48 “But I tell you: You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbour and hate your enemy.' 44But I tell you: Love your enemies[i] and pray for those who persecute you, 45that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. 46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? 47And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? 48Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

As I had a chat with Zubin on the bus yesterday, I asked him what is “Pride” and he told me it differs from one person to another. Likewise I felt the same but I felt that it was a personal space that we didn’t like others to step on. It was somewhat like ego that I felt was bad, I wanted to throw my pride away. Zubin, I’ll always remember what you said to me and I will live to become that man who would never be afraid to admit his faults. The reason why I asked him this was because earlier on during the day I was reading Matthew chapter 18 which talked about “Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven”. Matthew 18:3 “And said: Truly I say to you, unless you repent (change, turn about) and become like little children (trusting, lowly, loving and forgiving) you can never enter the kingdom of heaven at all."
God granted King Solomon the gift of “Wisdom” but if god gave me a wish, I would want to become the “Man-Child” one that posses the fruit of god.

In the anime Gundam 00, Exia's Trans-arm mode (it's basically the most powerful mode of a robot) has a unique feature of listening to the thoughts of others, I don't know why but I want to posses an eye that can see right through people this would help me in my passion. I realized that my most ideal job would be one related to "Social Sciences", I still feel I was destined to connect people and bridge lives. Unfortunately the job prospects aren't that ideal but it's ok because I can still connect people and bridge lives even if I am not a politician.

[I'm sorry Lord for the thing I've made it, When it's all about You, It's all about You Jesus.]

Spring

2009-01-30T00:36:00.000+08:00

Lately, events that have taken place depicts a mood which heralds the arrival of spring. A couple a days ago, I was felt somehow like how Kira felt when his Gundam was shot down and when his beliefs were questioned. I too felt how Allen felt when he lost his arm. I believe they all ask themselves a question that I ask most frequently whenever I put on my thinking cap. “What next?”

I realized that in order for me to live on or to do anything, there has to be a reason. Until I find a reason or a purpose to go on, I will just be thinking and thinking and thinking. This is exactly why 2 years back, I did not get baptized with my peers. I find such an act pointless unless I fully understand what I am doing.

My search for an answer, led me to my past. I recall the chronological events that took place and the thoughts that were captured at the various moments. As I dwelled further, I remember the goals that I used to have and I question myself once again. “After living life for 20 years, what have you achieved?” I’m not one that aspires to earn a million dollars by 30 or something, in fact even though I recognize the importance of money however there is this other being within me that has to be fed not in terms of money but perhaps wisdom and knowledge.

The last Reflection Journal question that I received was regarding sharing of last words. Apparently I didn’t had any, because all these while I have been incorporated with a mindset of “If I could, I would”. In the previous episode of Gundam 00, Neil Dylandy told Setsuna “You can’t do anything about the past, what you can do is to change how you feel about it in the present”. It is this very phrase that have made me a fool doing stupid and super embarrassing things. But I remember what I said months ago about being true to myself, and all that I have to say is this “Fool” has lived life with no regrets. In that RJ, I share about Ghandi and a quote that he said that made me feel really strongly about. “My life is my message”.
I always felt that I had a greater calling in life and I was destined for great things. But when I ask myself what I have accomplished all these while, it really makes me depressed and ashamed because after trying so hard I am just like a tortoise that has moved hardly an inch. It really makes me wonder if I could say the same thing as Ghandi in the future.

As I tried to condense my thoughts, I recognize that “What Next?” would be reinforcing my quest of becoming a better man and to become a fully fledged independent adult. I understand that there are too many things that I have not done. Whoever is reading this, if you believe that you too have a greater calling in life and you have to do something with your life, take a piece of paper pen down those things that are you are not happy about in your life, come up with subheadings of sections of your life that you wish to improve and brain-storm what can be done. There are too many things that I am not satisfied and it reminds me of the sight of my room. (If you don’t understand what I mean, basically whenever I pack my room it’s simply in such a big mess that I don’t know where to start off. But remember that running starts with walking and walking starts with moving that foot of yours.)

Here is a quote to stir you on.
"Nature gave men two ends -- one to sit on, and one to think with. Ever since then man's success or failure has been dependent on the one he used most." - Robert Albert Bloch

Allen Iverson an NBA player is one that looks major bad ass, but his tattoos are really interesting. They aren’t there just for the sake of body art, I’m not so interested about looking cool but the part that is interesting is the meaning behind his tattoos. You would be surprised that behind each lies a deep meaning. For instance one of them represents his outlook of “Only the strong survive”. Someday when I ask myself “What have I accomplished” and when I finally feel proud of myself, I might do the same and put on tattoos that portray my life as my message.

[Like every flowering season, whenever it is time to bid good-bye, he crosses his finger in hope that this will not be his last.]

Dreams about Flower Letter

2009-01-18T11:47:00.000+08:00

Like flowering seasons of the plum blossom, there are those that long for that day to come to experience the beautiful sight but at the same time, this season is rather short lived and all passes in a twinkle of an eye.

Have you ever had the feeling of wanting to do something so badly, but at the same time being so scared of doing it? Lately I have been having this feeling. It reminds me of what I have written a week ago.

The underlying cause of such a paradoxical situation would be “sleeping”. I seldom have dreams, but lately I’ve been dreaming for consecutive days about the same “thing”. It makes one so happy to enter a dimension where “flowers that never bloom” start blooming. But what’s sad is that when one wakes up these flowers will remain a state of "never to bloom".

Don’t you think dreams are very mystical? Why can’t we remember them very well? Why do we dream about the same thing for days? Why do people have the same dream at the exact time? What do dreams really mean? Well I’m not so sure for now, but I hope that someday I would find the answers.

Here is a song that I love a lot (Park Hyo Shin's 화신 – Flower Letter), I haven’t been watching K-dramas for a very long time but this is simply one of the best. The lyrics is very beautiful

[Some term those who experience such phenomena “literally blind”. But it is not the 5 senses that let us “See” the best. It is the soul, for that very reason I wouldn’t mind being blind]

My good friend and The ROLE that I have to PLAY

2009-01-16T22:58:00.000+08:00

Today left various emotions running through me. Not because of the fact that we studied about emotions during neurobiology class today. But it was the stimuli that evoked a wide variety of response.
It was one of those rare days that the class and some SAS peeps got together to play sports and games. I can’t really remember but if I am not wrong it’s like the 3rd time we got together doing this. I really enjoyed knowing everyone in class, and it’s kind of sad that I didn’t get to know many of them well. I happen to have repeated this at least once, recall the old days during secondary school. Overall it was really enjoyable to spend some time with them.

Have I ever told anyone that besides Wei Liang, Liang Zhi and Zubin I have another very best friend? This brings about some memories I had during the 3rd of October 2008. That my very best friend is basketball, it was something that “I” felt that I was good at, I wanted to be recognized, I wanted my presence to be felt. I wanted to feel useful. It gave me a reason to live. It was my best friend, who whom has been with me for 9 years, but I only got to know it better for 5 years. Wei Liang was someone who was with me for a v. Long time, he was someone who made me look forward to each day, however basketball was “Someone” who was even greater. It was the very thing that kept me company, to unleash my emotions, to keep me concentrated, to keep me company and most importantly it gave me the greatest emotion of all. That is a sense of satisfaction and happiness.

But I really wonder how much more this friend called “Basketball” can keep me company, occupied, concentrated and to be my another emotional outlet. I recall 5 years back me and Wei Liang could play it from 9am in the morning to 7pm at night. But what happens now? I could hardly even stand straight after playing it for 2 hours. What’s going to happen to us? Who’s going to take it’s place to give me a reason to live on? Didn’t a part of the world get destroyed lately? Isn’t basketball suppose to fill this very void? Well, I’m not sure but it certainly gives me a surge of energy to bounce a basketball or to hear the very sound of a bounce. It brings about the monster in me.
I’m currently very sick now, the “Plague” has returned and before surgery is done I have to be treated first. But those days of treatment are like hell. In the past it was games, and those things that I have not done that kept me going, to endure the days of hell. But what will happen this time? What’s going to keep me going in life? God give me oil in my lamp keep me burning ~.

Besides this, lately I realized that life was like a story book that was written by god a long time ago. Ever wondered why Asuma had to die in Naruto? Ever wondered why “So Ji Sub” had to play such a painful role in glass slippers that eventually led to his death (Korean Drama) ? Ever wondered why the little prince had to die eventually? Ever wondered why the warriors of the yang family had to die a tragic death in the end? Well, that’s because a story was written a long time ago, and we are all “Chess Pieces” who have to play our role. The “Climbing silver” that Asuma Sarutobi often mentions to Nara Shikamaru, it is a tactic used in Japanese chess in which the “knight” has to be sacrificed to protect the “King”. This serves as a good example. We all are characters given a role to play. Even though Asuma’s death was a tragedy, he faced it bravely and marched to his death. Did he complain that he hated to be who he was? Hell no he didn’t. He was someone whom I respected, someone whom I looked up to, someone whom I hope I could become that is to face the future bravely. I’m not sure if anyone understands how I am feeling now, but I understand what I have to do is to play my role and most importantly to forgive myself.

I have a new resolution in life lately, I came across an interesting question. If someone were to ask you to describe your most “enjoyable and loved time” what would it be. I would honestly tell you to relive my secondary school days. But that particular “someone” in that quote said something different and inspirational. Without hesitation, he said it’s “NOW!”. In the future I hope that I would answer the same. I hope I would be happy forever. But I know that is not possible because “God's way of answering the Christian's prayer for more patience, experience, hope, and love often is to put him into the furnace of affliction.” ~ Richard Cecil

[Kevin, remember the time I asked you if you were given a time machine to change the past but at the expense of the removal of your memories would you do it? I found my answer. I would dare tell you know that I wouldn’t do it. Because these memories are too precious to me]

The Dark Knight Returns!

2009-01-15T17:09:00.001+08:00

Imagine this, you see a bug-liked object trying to get out of a spider web only to realize that it itself is a spider. Well this is how I am feeling now, it’s kind of mystical I know ... anyway point is I have been rather confused lately. But earlier on I asked myself a very good question, it made the spider out of me. A very common phrase we hear in conversations by environmentalists, “Is not the very thing you are trying to protect, the thing you are destroying now?” As I asked myself this, I remember the very underlying promise that I made and how I seem to have contradicted myself big time.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me something that I found quite meaningful he told me that just because I perceive myself as a tortoise at times, I shouldn’t be bent on the fact that I really am one. What a simple but profound advice, maybe in the future I would change to become a roaring lion.

Remember no matter how upset you might be, never abandon your principles. Although I have said that sometimes I can be really naive and simple minded, however I like being that way and it’s not going to change because this is who I am, because if that changes I am no longer Perry.

[To fulfil my role as the shadow that lurks in the dark]

Back and Kicking

2009-01-14T18:49:00.000+08:00

Hey everyone, thanks for those who were concerned about why I was feeling down. But fret not, the dark knight has returned. I would like to take my words back, writing is still my emotional outlet and it shall never stop.

I am aware some of you might think I am lying like the part about not writing anymore, but it is true that at that point of time I really wanted to hide myself from the world. You see, it is true that sometimes emotions like love can make people blind. Love did not only make me blind but it made me stupid too. Well I was too naive and simple minded, but the point now is that I can see =D

I think not many people know enough about me, let me describe about people like myself the INFJ’s. Next time if you meet any of them make sure you don’t shoot your mouth calling them anti-social. (Below is an article that describes people like myself. Bolded are some traits that I see within myself)

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INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Resource: http://typelogic.com/infj.html

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If I were to use an animal to describe myself, I most probably would be a turtle because just as described above I have a high tendency to withdraw myself from society. Despite how easy going I might be at times, however in actual fact I am a very fragile person who gets easily hurt, and I tend to hide myself when I feel hurt. Too often I use my heart way more than my brains and this is why I get hurt quite often. But don’t worry turtles will eventually come out of their shell you know? They can’t possible stay hidden forever.

This will be my last post

2009-01-12T22:14:00.001+08:00

After being awake for the entire night, I reflected upon a lot of things and I realized how stupid I have been. Perry shall always remain himself, reflecting upon things and my principles are the very things that I have left within myself and these things should never disappear no matter what happens. I have edited my previous post. Still, I have decided never to write here anymore because the world is too dangerous place for the simple minded me, I doubt I would ever open up again. Thank you for reading about me.

Today I finally understood ...
Why the sky is blue,
Why 1+1 isn’t always 2,
Why the puzzles don’t piece together
Why life is about figures,
Why I am a Fool

I am extremely confused now, I don’t know what is this overwhelming emotion that runs through me, something just keeps flowing out of my eyes continuously. Could someone help make it stop? Depending on others is a weakness, I don’t need anyone, not anymore.

Melman, I finally understood how you felt and Motto motto (I am not sure if you know you are motto motto) I’m going to tell you my version of what Melman told you.

“Listen Motto motto, you better treat this lady like a queen. Because you... you my friend, you’ve found yourself the perfect woman. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I would stay by her throughout, giving her flowers and buying her breakfast each day. Sending her home when she’s she’s alone (recall the day you were in RP late at night doing your FYP Report), catching and chasing the lizards and cockroaches out of her house even though I am scared too, and even though I am useless at times I would lend her my hand so that she could bite it that way I could share with her the pain you felt when she had neck stiffness. I’d be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend. And I’d spend every day trying to think of how to make her laugh, because when she is happy laughing it is simply a sight that is amazing to behold. That’s what I would do, if I were you. But I’m not, so you do it.”

[My best friend would most probably be a dog, animals are much more simple minded and at least I wouldn’t do anything stupid.]

Loving You

2009-01-09T23:28:00.001+08:00

On the 9th of January 12.43pm I finally completed my first poem supposedly a sonnet that has incorporated a rhyme scheme. Though not perfectly written but still it took me hours along with heightened emotions and inspiration. Perhaps the next thing to work on would be a better rhyme scheme and iambic pentameter.

Loving You – By Perry Tan written in dedication to “You Know Who” the girl that he loves.
Each day just as the sun rises in the east and sets in the west,
A silly person awaits by his window in hope that one day that day would come.
Helpless and lost, he leaves fate to work his mast
When that day comes, he will no longer be alone

Like a ship that has bombarded into an iceberg,
we often find these gaps within ourselves
Longing for that other half to fill these gaps that lurk
we desperately search for the answers above all else

Each day he longs for that other half to fill these gaps of his.
But yet this day will never come and all that is left is to run
To run to chase this ever running breeze
to grasp hold of the comfort that it gives

Like the leaves of a tree that has to eventually wither,
He knows that before he runs he eventually has to stop
Even though short-lived, but for this sweetness it has to be eventually bitter
When all comes to a standstill he would sit by his window counting upon his remaining days

Maybe one day the breeze would come to him of its own accordance.
Hopefully that day wouldn’t be the day in which the sun no longer rises from the east

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Dear “You Know Who”,
I happened to have a chat with one of my friends lately and it seems that the world is indeed a complex place to live in. Often I wonder to myself, what actually is love. Perhaps a year ago, I wouldn’t have a clue of what it meant because it was too complicated for the simple minded me. Well through the years I realize that some do it for the sake of lifting up their social status, some others think of it as a game to determine a winner. Well the point is that everyone has a different perception of it and some of it just leaves me disgusted.

I wouldn’t dare say my perception of love is the “Right” one, but what I am sure of is that I take it very seriously and I want to tell you is that I am sorry for being such a lousy guy, one that seems to take so little initiative, one that keeps too low a profile, one that is too quiet, one that doesn’t know what to do, one that is too lost at what to do.
You have taught me what it means to love someone and it is through loving you that I have learnt how simple love could be. There are too many things that I wish to say and too many things that I wish I had done.
I really wished that I could be the real one that would stand by you throughout, giving you flowers and buying you breakfast each day, sending you home when you your alone (recall the day you were in RP late at night doing your FYP Report), catching and chasing the lizards and cockroaches out of your house even though I am scared too, and even though I am useless at times I would lend you my hand so that you could bite it that way I could share with you the pain you felt when you had your neck stiffness. I’d be your shoulder to cry on and your best friend. And I’d spend every day trying to think of how to make you laugh, because when you are happy laughing it is simply a sight that is amazing to behold.

I hope that you don’t think that I feel awkward around you all the time, because I want to tell you that each time I lay my eyes on you, the emotion that overwhelms me is happiness. However if I have caused you to feel awkward in any sense, I apologize for what I have done. Because I am the blur king, I don't even know if you like me to address you as "You Know Who" and neither do I know how you feel about me. But don't worry I did mention before that the answer is no longer important to me, you don't have to give me an answer.

Ultimately I want to let you know that no matter how cloudy and uncertain the future might be, I would be the hand that warms you in the coldest winter and you could always talk to me when your down or whatsoever. Remember that there is a silly guy named Perry that will remember your birthday and at any festive season for instance Christmas you would be the very first person that I would think of. I would be ever curious about what goes on around you each and every day. This applies no matter how far we are apart. Be it 3km, 30km or even 30,000km.

(Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. – Khalil Gibran)
I would like to dedicate this song to “You Know Who” -吳克群明天過後

[It is not about what we talk about or what we do but it's simply about being together]

That Clean Piece of Paper

2009-01-06T18:35:00.001+08:00

Couple events swirled past lately that caused my thoughts venture deeper into the complex nature of the human world. I realized that the human brain is like a stack of papers capturing memories of certain people in our lives. These pieces of paper are too often too easily stained and what’s worse is that these stains aren’t easy to wash off.
As a Christian, I am taught to forgive and forget. Such a simple yet uphill task, I often question why can’t people just stop dwelling on what has happened in the past and forgive one another? Why can’t the very thought that stem from our minds about a particular someone be a blank piece of paper? Why must it be tainted? But as I question why can’t others do it, I probe myself whether I have actually done it. Well I would say to a certain extent, so to put in bluntly no. The thought of certain people just brings about negative connotations, even though I forgive others but forgetting is not a simple task. Often I forget only for short periods of time. Ultimately, to forgive is to forget.

I recall a quote that I love a lot that is “Many people often think of having the best start, but it’s not about having the best start but to create the best ending”. Likewise, when it comes to love, “It’s not about finding the perfect lover but creating the perfect love”.

To: One of my friend out there (When you see this, you would know it’s for you)
“Everything that happens in our lives happens for a reason, when something sad or unhappy occurs reflect for example on the learning point if there is one. Pray if you are a Christian, think positive and get on with life. If through your reflection you manage to find the answer I would feel happy for you. But if you have yet to find the answer, fret not. That is why we are living life, that is to understand things that we don’t. Live on bravely”
Forgetting is never easy, “If you let go of who you are, you will become who you might be” – Lao Tzu

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A rare moment in which I would blog twice in a day, but I simply couldn't resist I needed to explode somwhere. Anyways ...

The scene in 通天幹探 in which Moses exchanged shots with Yuen Biao simply made me feel like crying. It was really touching, show casing an example of what it means to help your friend to the greatest extent. In that particular scene Moses was a cop turned bad, he tried to silence someone in order to cover his deepest darkest secrets. Yuen Biao his good friend who found out caught him red handed and when they were exchanging gun shots, I thought to myself... great this is going to be a stupid ending in which everyone dies but on the contrary the next scene was a heart stopper.

Instead of shooting his friend Yuen Biao shot the person behind Moses who wanted to do him harm, and Moses who was a particular jackass in that scene shot his friend. I simply wanted to cry at that point of time.

Yuen Biao a cop with extrasensory perception had premonitions that his friend would shoot him but instead of running he chose to march towards his death all for the sake of friendship. Would you do the same if you were him? I hope I live to become such a man in the future.

Conquistador

2008-12-30T22:26:00.000+08:00

After watching tonight’s episode of “The Ultimate Crime fighter”, it simply makes my blood boil. I got so pissed that I simply wanted to blast that insolent blaggard into smithereens. Come to think of it, perhaps the career test that I did couple a days ago really is accurate.
Often I wonder, why do I always ask myself the weirdest heaviest questions in life which are unexplainable. Through the test I finally understood why, that is because INFJ’s have part of that in their personality profile. The description really fits, take for instance the part about poetic justice in which I often fantasize about ripping the body parts of those who terrorize the defenceless, learning has to be steered towards growth and development and the need to be inspired every now and then. Maybe the part about being good at writing isn’t true but I definitely find it much easier to express myself while writing.

Try doing the test it’s really cool.
Link for the test: http://www.careertest.net/cgi-bin/a.pl
Link for profile description: http://typelogic.com/infj.html

Year 2009 is approaching and I’m totally hyped, the learner shall take a form as a Conquistador ever exploring and forever curious. Perhaps the first big thing to explore would be poetry.

Year 2009

2008-12-26T19:35:00.000+08:00

Last night was one of those dreadful nights that we all experience once in a while. I tried turning in at 12.15am but ended up sleeping at 4.00am, it’s been days of sleepless nights turning in at 2am and waking up and 1.30pm. I seriously wonder if I am suffering from some sort of sleep disorder.
Anyway, while I was awake many things ran through my mind. I haven’t been reflecting much lately, it’s just 5 days till the year comes to an end, and certainly it is good to start off each year with new resolutions.

The holiday period has been rather boring. I’m not saying Christmas was terrible, the food was good and all that, but yeah I was kind of bored. Have you ever pondered to yourself what would your ideal Christmas day be like? Also, have you ever wondered what your normal ideal day would be like? Perhaps in the past, Christmas was about spending the entire day with Wei liang playing Diablo 2 and gaming. But if you were to ask me now, I really don’t know what would be deemed ideal.
Recently, Wei Liang introduced me to play World of WarCraft but apparently it wasn’t as appealing as it should have been. Rather it was kind of boring, it’s either the game isn’t suitable for me or my inquisitive spirit of curiosity did not spark off. I can’t wait till Diablo 3 gets released. I reckon it’ll probably be a captivating force that draws me closer each day.
With regards to an Ideal day, each day we hear people complaining about how routine base liked it has been but is it really a bad thing? Well for one thing I enjoy schooling days quite a lot. Sure if it gets excessive we all hope for a break but the point is it keeps us pre-occupied. It’s just as the saying goes “Another day, another carrot.”

I realized that many at times, my thoughts drift towards how an older person would think. If someone were to ask me “How’s Life?” I would probably say it sucks and there’s nothing much to look forward to. Why did I say such a thing? It’s because often I think from a perspective “Been there, Done that”. But truth is, there are loads of things that are not done. Instead of sitting down blatantly cursing, rotting and swearing, what I should be doing is to release the inner child within me fuelled with curiosity that desperately searches for answers.

Year 2009 will be joyful yet cloudy. Let’s take a look at what’s going to happen ...
Well, the biggest thing would probably be my closest cousin is going to get married. I recall when we were young we used to do loads of stuff together ranging from playing in the playground chasing the crazy old man to exploring the jungle-liked area behind my Dad’s Restaurant. These things appear so precious now.
Besides that the next big thing would be the arrival of “That day” in which I would be devastated, things look even worse because I’m about to enter the army but hopefully my new resolution which is to become a “Learner” would bring me forward in life.

Here is a quote that I can relate strongly to:
“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.” – The Wonder Years

[As we grow older, we tend to be too logical meaning we use our minds too much and that’s why we kill our inner child. Think about it, believing in Santa is it from the heart or the brain?]

The Big 20

2008-12-21T21:52:00.000+08:00

2 ½ hours from now, I would have step foot on earth for 175,200 hours. Come to think of it, it doesn’t seem like much. So what’s so special about 175,200th hour? Well, if you look at it in terms hours it doesn’t seem like anything special but if you look at it in terms of years the first digit has changed and it certainly means a lot. It's something like this ... imagine if someone asked you to describe people of age 8, 15, 20, 30 and 40. You would probably say a kid, teenager, young adult, middle aged adult and an adult. Well you get the point it's like a big leap.

Just a while ago, I happened to watch a very slow and light hearted movie with my family. It’s called “Bridge to Terabitah”. Well at the beginning of the show, me and my sister were complaining how lame the show was because it was about 2 stupid young teenagers and their silly imaginations. But were their imaginations really stupid or could it be that I’ve just grown too old for imaginations? I recall back when I was a kid I would do the same, weaving fantasies of another world by mere words. Anyway, as I was saying ... this show made me think some stuff like for example friendship, regrets and high school. I haven’t had someone so special yet, hopefully I would in the future. But it did remind me of Tim. Haven’t seen him in ages say 9 years? I doubt I would ever see him again though.

[Maybe this is how the future would be like. Life is pretty simple isn’t it?]

To be a better man ...

2008-12-09T22:25:00.001+08:00

I recall way back when I was a kid, I loved playing bumper car rides perhaps maybe because children found driving really fun. Besides that I wanted to grow up fast so that I could have my own computer that way I could play as and when I felt like it. That isn’t all, I wanted to grow up real fast that way my mom wouldn’t hold a leash on me. But the point was that children want to grow up too fast. Ok, I often speak of not wanting to grow up that quickly, but how true is that? I’m currently experiencing a phase that we all have to go through that is “Transitions”. During times like this you just feel torn apart , one part of you not liking the idea of changes and the other part of you just desperately wanting to make these changes.

Well, I have been pretty vexed lately about choosing a career pathway. I was considering between being a lawyer and a doctor. Initially I was hell bent in being a doctor, however often when we make such big decisions in life we have to really think it through. Once it’s done, it’s done and there’s simply no turning back. Once again, can I live up to the responsibility? We’re not talking about getting orders in a restaurant wrong, it’s not about the beef patty being overly cooked but once you screw up big time, a human life is gone. Can I discipline myself to study for 6 years? Is it ok if I started of working really late?
Ok, so here comes the part about being a lawyer. Sure, I enjoy debating a lot. I like looking at issues and breaking them down and most importantly who doesn’t want justice to be served? Well, I’ve always heard comments that being a lawyer is something like being a heartless bastard because you just got to “help” the baddie at times. Am I one that acts impulsively? Which do I let serve as a pivotal point in making judgements, is it my heart or my brain? Well, one thing for sure is that if I were to help the baddie my conscience will prick me really hard.

Arghhh! Stupid Humans why can’t they just make up their minds? Bleh... give me a break, I’m just a big kid. I know nuts about lots of things and certainly I am very inexperienced at “Certain” things, not knowing how to express myself.

Well, recently I have been watching a drama series called “Jian ren Jian”. Initially when I first saw the show I wanted to close the god damn TV. The main characters were like totally NOT captivating. Ok, besides the point that they were portrayed super ugly the main character was major bad ass. But as I watched on, damn was the story line unique. It’s about this total jackass becoming a really nice person. Well, he’s really hero man. He’s not afraid of spoiling his newly built goodie image and portray himself as a total big time asshole for the sake of the greater good. In today’s episode, he made a big decision to sacrifice something but of course he made appropriate “Plans”.

Well, the human world is a very logical society. I think many of them use their brains way more than their heart. Well, perhaps a fool like me should learn to use my brains more. But one thing I am certain is that when we tend to use our brains more, we make sacrifices and these sacrifices hurt. But you know what? These sacrifices won’t simply be imbedded into my memories but rather they serve as a reminder. Take for instance, perhaps 5 years down the road I would recall certain sacrifices that I made and I would tell myself hey you fool, get up on your feet to put up the good fight, don’t forget what was sacrificed!

I’m not sure what’s gonna happen but lord give me this chance to not use my brains, to not think about what is going to happen but just enjoy the moments and fill my mind with happy moments.

(Well, I don’t listen much to English songs but this sounds pretty good. Don’t tell me the man’s gay I don’t care.)

One-sided so it shall be.

2008-12-04T21:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I can really hate myself, I say that I want to do one thing and I end up not doing it. If most people were to describe an aura around me, it’ll probably be a very negative one. But you know what? This spirit of despair has just left me and I’m currently picking up momentum.

Don’t we ever get tired of life? Recently, I asked myself what is the reason why we hang on each day to see the next. I thought that the reason which was once there is gone because it was an illusion. But apparently I’m behaving in such a silly manner because for a moment I was selfish. But guess what? I finally straightened out my thoughts.

Some people live for others, some for themselves. But you got to remember that just because you live for the person it does not mean it has to be the other way round too. Each person that plays an important role in your life is what makes up the earth, if these people disappear earth too disappears along with them.
Your very existence is the reason why I hang on each day hoping to see the next. Getting excited by what goes on around you and longing to see that beautiful smile of yours.

Self-Induced Torment

2008-12-02T22:35:00.001+08:00

Lately, my life force have been very low. Not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to do anything, all I want is to sit around and rot. I really don’t know what to do next and I don’t feel like running.

My soul has been tormented. What’s worse is that it isn’t haunted by a spectre but an illusion. If you don’t know there’s a big difference between a ghost and an illusion. A ghost exists whereas an illusion doesn’t.

Check out this guy, at least he has an umbrella. I want one too!

[也许是我错了]

Hey Forest!

2008-11-29T23:56:00.000+08:00

I’m currently in a state of delirium, I don’t know what to do next. But what I know is that when people are in a state of confusion and they just don’t seem to have the answers they just have to run, not run away but just run. Don’t ask me where, I don’t know but you’ll eventually know where your heading.

I can't fall now, not now.

2008-11-28T19:46:00.001+08:00

Currently I am the brink of giving up, things look grim and I feel like dying. Tomorrow is the big day and things look very bad at the moment. My nails are blue once again. I really wonder if a miracle will happen. There’s nothing I can do now but to place my faith in God.

A fate worst then death is most commonly experienced when people are sick. Ever wonder what happens when cancer meets diabetes? Well I got a mini taste of it. My most feared tonsillitis is coupled with dreadful migraine at the moment. If I were to use the common way of treating migraine which is to use ointment on the particular head region, the blood vessels will constrict causing less pressure ultimately reducing the throbbing pain. But if I do that, my blood vessels won’t be able to dilate and thus heat lost is minimal. My head is so hot now that it can heat up a pot of water.

You know, sometimes when you are sick and your mom shows concern you can get irritated due to your condition but frankly speaking it is the support of your loved ones that give you strength to carry on fighting. This has caused my thoughts to dwell further. Ever wonder what happens when you grow old and sick? If your young, things won’t look that grim. You would still recover and life goes on. But what happens if your old? What happens when all your loved ones have left you? Would it be good to impose on your children all the time? Recovering is slim, but what’s worse is that there is nothing to keep them going anymore. So what if they recover? They would say it’s just a short postpone till the angel of death arrives.

Living life is akin to war. Whichever side gives in, loses concentration and hope then all is lost. This reminds me of a quote “When you get into a tight place, and it seems you can't go on, hold on, for that's just the place and time that the tide will turn.” -Harriet Beecher Stowe

But illness is different from a game of basketball, it’s not about trying hard and the tide will turn. What if your destined to die? What if your body can’t keep up anymore? God give me strength and the courage to go on.

[“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” - Ambrose Redmoon]

Tonsilitis

2008-11-27T17:52:00.001+08:00

Ever since a child, I was plagued with illness. A pre-mature baby smaller than any others and who’s heart and lung wasn’t fully developed, and what happens now? He’s all grown up. That’s what my mom and grandmother always tells me.
But just when things look as though it turned for the better, it turned out different. Even though I am survivor, but I’m still plagued with sickness -.-‘’ . Let’s see asthma, a bad case of eczema, highly sensitive nose, bad frequent migraine and the most feared of my list ... “Tonsillitis”.
Tonsillitis is definitely the most dreadful illness I have experienced, fever up to 40 degrees for 2 weeks, vomiting all day, a bleeding throat and the worst is I can’t swallow anything that includes saliva. The previous time I was hospitalized, I didn’t ate for many days.

I think lately I have been very down on my luck. Let us look at the series of unfortunate events that took place for the past 3 years
1. I entered RP because my grandmother was hospitalized during the day of enrolment
2. I was almost late for my deferring NS
3. My computer has crashed 3 times
4. I have changed my mouse for 8 times over 3 years
5. I accidently knocked a glass of water over my notebook and had to buy a brand new one
6. I was sick before NAPFA
Looks pretty bad aye, that’s not the end of the list. Apparently now which is 3 days before my FYP presentation, I actually have a bad relapse of tonsillitis. It’s already 5 times over the past 2 years, I’ll most probably go for surgery to get it removed after the school term ends.

But God has been kind, luckily my efforts were not put in vain. I was struggling to go to school to have my UT done, apparently the timing of my medication just ended 30 minutes before the UT and the fever shot up real high till the extent that the nails turned dark blue. Panadol is pretty lousy I think, they say you eat it every 6 hours and the effect is always gone during the 4th. 2 hour of immense pain is terrible. I have been sleeping ever since yesterday till 30 minutes before the UT, and damn do I have serious backaches now.

I hope I recover in time for FYP presentation, it’s the most crucial time right now. Where was the part about ‘forging a new blade and the next time our blades meet yours will definitely shatter?’. I can’t fall sick now, not now otherwise all my efforts will be in vain.

Moonlight shines upon the guilty and the innocent alike. We all deserve an equal chance. Patience is a virtue I still need to develop. If I really lose my cool I swear I will punch “somebody”.

Is reality an illusion?

2008-11-25T23:27:00.001+08:00

Recently, someone said that I was strong. Not in the physical sense but mentally. Today, is one of those days in which my mind was put to the test. It’s just a few more weeks before the next NAPFA and my body just recovered from the previous severe muscle aches. I tried taking things to the extreme by trying to work out twice as hard.

Miraculously I woke up at 6am in the morning yesterday to do 2.4km run along with trying my best to do a pull up and push ups. Surprisingly I managed to actually do it so early in the morning. Don’t forget I’m always late for class, I thought perhaps waking up in the morning doing would too help me to get to school in time. But here comes the bear of bad news. Right after the run, I started to feel cold, very cold. Apparently I was down with fever and that wasn’t the worst thing. I felt like throwing up inside out earlier on during breakfast. Fortunately I managed to regain my appetite later on. The fever lasted the entire day. Should I give up and stick to what I was doing previously? [The drops of rain makes a hole in the stone, not by violence but by oft falling]

At first I thought that going to NS would be a good experience, to toughen me up and to face my fears ... ROACHES! Furthermore it would prepare me to join the varisty basketball club. But apparently, the thought of waking up so early in the morning experiencing fever-liked symptoms causes me to cower in fear.

Perhaps I am not strong at all, maybe I am just a weakling.

I’m not sure if anyone feels this way, apparently reality and situations portrayed in TV are absolutely different. In television programs, when the male lead dies, the female lead makes a promise to dedicates her life for him, remembering him each time she looks at the sky ... and it ends at such. In reality it’s not so easy you got to live on and it hurts each minute. Why can’t there be “THE END” as shown in movies?
Many at times, cancer patients decides to face their illness bravely but what happens at the very end? He or she too cowers in fear and they finally behaves in the most natural way ... “I don’t want to die”. You see, sometimes things are just not that simple.

In short I try to be brave. But in actual fact I’m scared, very scared of the future.

(A song that I like a lot)

Fate and lady luck, I plead for you to work your magic on me.

But are things really that grim?
If I were to say the sky is green,
they would probably say I was color blind.
Why couldn't it be that the sky really was green
and they were all color blind? – Perry
[Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one – Albert Einstein]

Reality bites... and doesn't let go. Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. The trail of blood just leaves a puddle wherever I go. There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go.

I Love You

2008-11-19T18:29:00.000+08:00

3 words could best describe how I feel at the moment. Tranquillity, Serenity and Peace. My current state of mind could be compared to the clearest water from the highest spring. On my way home today, some unexpected things happened and I happened to have a good chat with my friend. The talk was awesome, it wasn’t one filled with crap and laughter, neither was it one filled with childish or egoistic talks. It was an abstract liked puzzle talk in which perhaps 2 parties will never know exactly what they are talking about. But despite how abstract it was, I have gained another level of enlightenment.

All these things that took place in these couple of months happened for a reason. It wasn’t something that was easy or simple to understand, in fact it was the most cumbersome sight that have took place in my life. It took me ages and finally now when I put all the pieces together it all makes perfect sense.

Today’s talk brought about 2 “Keys” that helped me to piece everything together. Just like what I always say, ‘All along you already have it with you but the only reason why it seemed like you have gained something new is because you have finally gained enlightenment to untie the knot within your heart.’ The 2 keys are ‘putting things behind you’ and ‘to live life without regrets’.

You see Pear, all these while you struggled so hard to learn to put things behind you and to live life with no regrets. Yet you already knew the answer. My current state of mind isn’t something completely different from yesterday or the day before etc... but it is the collection of all that took place.
What is the true meaning of putting things behind you and to live life with no regrets. It’s so god damn simple. The answer to everything is to be true to yourself. Often I always question myself, was it something done purely out of impulse? Is it right to let the heart guide rather than the brain? Well, to be true to yourself you do think but no matter what you let your heart guide you.

Initially, my stand really wavered. I really thought that it was wrong for me to say me piece to you and it took me long, very long before I finally said it. But during that long frame of time, there was this state of confusion that dwelled within me. Would you do something if the outcome was unfavourable? Why don’t you just put it in your heart and let it stay in there forever? [ 寧願我傷心] Why not you just get over it? [I often talk about something called a ‘thought antagonist’, the reason why I talked about it was because I wanted to forget you. It was Andy Lau’s 忘情水 that I was talking about]

I tried using Reinhold Niebuhr's Prayer of Serenity to justify myself that it was just not meant to be. But did I really understand the prayer? No I didn’t.

“God, grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.”
[This is a portion of the prayer]

But pear, what the hell do you know about things that you can’t change? It’s not that you can’t change but you are just scared. The letter I wrote to “You Know Who” proves my cowardice. Finally I understood that to put things behind you, “You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind”. Well the quote was really very deep and difficult to understand, it isn’t so easily described by words. I realize that I couldn’t simply forget you, and finally I learnt to put everything behind me which was to tell you ‘I Love You’. Now, you might be puzzled and most probably you would say “Hey Perry, What the hell has that got to do with putting things behind you? Aren’t you putting things in front of you instead?”. Well the thing that you have to understand is that when you be “True” to yourself do you actually learn to put things behind you and to really live life without regrets.

From the moment I decided to tell you how I felt, I never expected an answer because it was no longer important to me. Yesterday, I quoted something from one of my favourite movie “The Dark Knight”.
This was what I wrote: "He’s the true ---- that ----- deserves, but not the one that is needed right now. That’s why he’ll be -----, but he can take it. He’s not a ---- but a silent guardian, the watchful protector. [Perhaps the wrong knight for the occasion. But it’s ok, because that’s what needs to happen sometimes. The truth isn’t good enough. Sometimes people deserve more, they deserve to have their ---- rewarded]"

To put things behind you is to ensure that it will not affect you, to do so you need to be true to yourself and finally you would live life with no regrets. Pear, you were 100% true to yourself that’s why you have already put it behind you. There is no need to hide anymore (STOP HIDING!). Although I have put things behind me, it doesn’t mean that I will forget you because that is impossible because I love you. Your existence has already been engraved into my heart and this “you” will be with me wherever I go. Last but not least, you got a friend in me.

(Amazingly my favourite movie at 6-years old is applicable now)

[Although the fox and the hound couldn’t be friends due to “Circumstances” but they live on each other’s heart for life]

The silent guardian, the watchful protector

2008-11-18T21:08:00.000+08:00

You know in life, why can’t there be this god damn book which tells you what to do, steering you to the “Right” path? I think I might have did something wrong without noticing it. Sigh... I guess instructions just aren’t that clear ...

Sometimes I think I just need to have more confidence, this reminds me of my previous post yesterday. Gai sensei told lee, what’s the point of working so hard when you don’t trust in yourself. I guess it’s true that I have too little confidence sometimes.

Perhaps I always misinterpret things in life. From now on, 1 shall be 1 and 2 shall be 2.

This quote really relates to how I feel right now, and somehow it makes me feel better.

"He’s the true ---- that ----- deserves, but not the one that is needed right now. That’s why he’ll be -----, but he can take it. He’s not a ---- but a silent guardian, the watchful protector. [Perhaps the wrong knight for the occasion. But it’s ok, because that’s what needs to happen sometimes. The truth isn’t good enough. Sometimes people deserve more, they deserve to have their ---- rewarded]"

To become a Real Man

2008-11-17T22:31:00.000+08:00

Life has been super tiring lately and today was exceptionally tiring. Unlike the normal days, I had UT followed by NAPFA. It’s the thing I have been training for ever since like god knows when. Basically, it was one of those days which ends with the phrase “Do you wanna hear the good news or the bad news?”

Well, it was sort of disappointing but not towards the extreme end and that is because I adhered to some of my principles. Well, to be exempted 2 months of basic military training we had to get a silver, however I knew it was beyond my capabilities. Despite so, I wanted to prove that I am no longer the old self the one that gives up before reaching the finishing line. I was aiming for a bronze. Well, I believe that I somewhat have proven myself but not fully. I managed to complete all stations except the pull up station. Unlike running, pull up is different. It’s not one that hanging on is good enough. It’s whether a not you can do one in the first place. Well most of my peers who are in the heavy weight category with me are unable to do it too. But that’s no excuse. Although I mentioned that it’s not about whether you have the heart to do it, but on the contrary it is. Sounds like some paradox but not quite. Let me explain myself. Perhaps at that point of time yes it was whether a not I could do it. But if only I started training from year 1. If only I didn’t eat like a monster during the transition break between secondary school and poly. Anyways today we had a taste public embarrassment, imagine people watching losers like me.
Well, technically I was at a disadvantage because I pulled one my calf muscles when working out on the sit-up station, the pain persisted till the end of the day. However this bring about the point of adhering to my principles that is persistence. I continued running despite the pain and actually did better than before. Although there is improvement from the 2.4km run session I had with Zubin, however that 30 of improvement still wasn’t enough. SEE! I knew it, I am always late. Too late to discover my faults and too late to change them.

But here comes the part about what next? Well, for one I won’t give up. The champion is the one that stands when all has fallen. I’ll be joining this programme that aims to help us reach the silver grade. (Good thing they didn’t call it TAF club. Otherwise it would be major embarrassing again) Set aside this I will continue what I am doing and put in 2 times the effort. [Where is Rock Lee when you need him -.-‘’’ set aside the chunin examinations, he hasn’t made a dynamic appearance in the past 200+ episodes of Naruto.] From tonight onwards I’ll try to turn in earlier. I need a healthy life style and no more late night DotA games.

(Every time I watch this episode of Naruto It makes me feel like crying. He’s my idol who deserves my respect.)

He who is always LATE

2008-11-16T12:52:00.000+08:00

The last episode of ‘The Drive of Life’ was aired on friday. This series left me really impacted, imparting to me many values of life. Joe Ma who was apparently the antagonist of the show taught me many things too.

The show ended well, depicting an important aspect of life which is to forgive one another. I believe that many of us would have come across a simple phrase “Forgive, and forget”. Such a simple phrase used by many, but yet how many of us can actually do it? Sometimes, when a person has hurt another person it actually leaves a scar. Someone whom I know always tells me that forgiving is possible but forgetting is impossible. But isn’t not forgetting akin to not forgiving? At the moment, I think everyone deserves forgiveness. The bible tells teaches us to forgive others just as we would like God to forgive us.

Besides the spirit of forgiveness, something that left me to ponder was about growing up and living up to become the person you’re supposed to be. Joe Ma who played the villain in the film was given a chance to turn over a new leaf. Despite the fact that he will a father in time, however he still has not mend his way to become a role model for his child.
It’s just roughly a month away before I hit the big 20. Although it’s just one year but the digit has changed! As we grow older, our baggage of responsibilities gets heavier. I am really afraid of growing up, I fear that when the time comes I have still yet become an upright person. I worry that I will not be ready to be an adult. Despite trying so hard to become a better man and learning to be more responsible, but what happens? I spent half my day playing DotA and watching ‘D-Gray Man’. And what next? I happened to run short of time studying for the UT’s that are proceeding.

What does it mean to be responsible? That is to set our priorities right. But setting your priorities right means that you’ll lose the meaning of fun. I recall ages ago when I was still a kid, I would never hesitate to skip school to watch cartoons at home. But what happens now, I wouldn’t even want to skip school even if I am sick. Currently, I am listening to some Disney sound tracks and they bring about beautiful memories. [If only I could re-live moments.

Recently, I have been to school late on quite a frequent basis. This is already bad enough. But I realized that I have been late for a lot of things. I have been late at maturing and becoming independent. Talking about public transport, I only learnt to take it when I was in secondary 1 whereas many other people would have already done so since primary school. Now everyone has at least work for some part of their life time, but I have yet to work even once. I always justify myself saying that I have no need for money which is quite true but still I think I should give it a shot. And to think I should be dead embarrassed by now, but wait there’s more. Most of my peers have learnt driving and I have yet to learn it, defending myself saying that I won’t be driving so there isn’t a point learning. See! I’m always late in life. I wouldn’t want to be like Asuma Sarutobi a character in the anime ‘Naruto’ who is always “Late”.

Well, it’s already the 10th week and I am yet to be ready for napfa. Although there is significant improvement but it still isn’t enough, I happened to fail my running by 50 seconds and I can’t even do 1 pull up.

I think certain things won’t change. Often, I would imagine my life zooming past but I feel that there are certain things that will not change. For one , anime and computer games will stick with me for the rest of my life. I’m so excited by the thought of playing age of empires 3 asian dynasties with my good friend Wei Liang. Just a few more weeks and we’ll be computer addicts! [I happened to realize that humans love to waste time, they love spending their time rotting]

Do the Right Thing

2008-11-13T00:31:00.001+08:00

“Unleash the beast within” a very common saying in a game. But this phrase strikes fear in me. Don’t you feel that there is a beast within you? Well as for me I think there is this strong dark force that engulfs my soul at times. Evil thoughts dwell within my mind and many at times it gets the better of me. Where was the part about mind over matter? And to think I was trying to be like God’s image ...

Instead of unleashing the beast within us we should actually tame it. I believe that to keep yourself away from evil thoughts it all stems down to actually even have the thought crossing your mind. Evil thoughts always stem from the thoughts and followed by the actions later on. So in order to keep yourself clean we should not even think about certain things. In order to keep your mind away, we need to keep it pre-occupied. Perhaps I should recite some verses that can grant me serenity.

Well, talking about evil thoughts I had a discussion with one of my friends and apparently he says that I’m too extreme because it’s normal for most people to think like that. This reminds me of normative ethics and metaethics. Sometimes it’s not the consequences that matters. So what if there’s no harm done at the end of the day? The fact that such a defile thought were to cross our minds proves that we have already done wrong. Are we going to let our society determine what’s right and wrong and eventually govern our actions? Remember everyone has a yardstick of what’s right and wrong , we have to stick to our beliefs, principles and moral values to uphold righteousness.

Child of God

2008-11-09T13:28:00.000+08:00

When it comes to certain things in life, I realized that many at times I don’t see eye to eye with others. This could be attributed to fact that we all have our own moral values and principles. There are too times in which I have to draw a clear line and stay away from darkness. I recall a sermon months ago mentioning that although god is a loving god however he is also holy, he will not be associated with anything defile.

Besides gaining a lot of moral values and principles from anime characters and anyone inspiring, going to church since young has sort of shaped the way I perceive things. Although perhaps at that point of time I was still young and I didn’t reflect that much but still the values were inculcated.

Recently, I managed to find some of the answers to the questions that always dwell in mind. Someone very close to me has always been confused, but the answer to the confusion isn’t that difficult. What has to be understood is that “It is not success that brings about happiness, but it is happiness that brings about success”. The above is actually a reconstructed version of a quote by Albert Schweitzer.

I recall a conversation with some of my friends with regards to the purpose of life. I mentioned that we don’t know what it is that’s why we’re living it. But I have always been thinking what actually is the purpose of my life? Is it like what I always say? That is to save people and to bring justice upon the accused? Well what I understand now is that the above is perhaps some of the reasons but it’s not the underlying one. So what then is the underlying reason?

I managed to understand more today. “You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” – Albert Camus.

Happiness is really complex, it’s something that is beyond what words can describe. What the above quotes might have meant would be that perhaps you have already things that make you happy but you just aren’t satisfied you just want something to make you happy. With regards to the aspect of life, that probably means you don’t have to find the meaning it is through living life which you would finally understand at the end of the day. It’s just as the saying goes, “Your life is your testimony”.

So perhaps that need not be a reason to live. But it is through our principles and values that steer us towards a certain direction that would eventually give us a reason to live. The spirit of god is one that gives me the direction in life. To allow myself to be a vessel of god, I hope to convey some of the spirit of god such as ...
1. To give hope to those who are in despair
2. To be the guiding star to those who are lost
3. To be the hand to lift those who are feeling down
4. To calm the broken hearted
5. To create excellence out of those who are merely mediocre

Here is a cool picture that was in my post during August 2008.

The Right Choice. Ethics and Moral Values

2008-11-05T18:19:00.001+08:00

Today’s lesson was supposed to be super boring, however it was rather interesting to me because the topic that was covered “Ethics” helped me to organize my thoughts better with regards to events that took place in my life lately.

Decision making has always been problematic especially when conflicts dwell in your thoughts. I’ve been pretty lousy at this. Just a week ago, I made a decision and did something drastic. I’m not sure whether it was the right thing to do but I would say it was something that was uncontrollable. Apparently like a cassette tape, certain thoughts would be rewound and played in my mind every now and then and I would respond with a reflex liked action. Perhaps my response to the huge decision would be because of “Over-flowing” thoughts.

Yesterday my friend told me something which was supposed to be a piece of good news but apparently it turned out totally the opposite. It made me wonder I really did the right thing.

Time was of essence and it continues to tick slowly murdering men. I had to do something otherwise I would regret it
“The most decisive actions of our life ... are most often unconsidered actions.” - André Gide

[It’s not the topic or the words that matters. Your presence, even in silence is something enjoyable]

The Reason, the emotion and the consequences often pull us in various directions and perhaps eventually to a specific one.

Do we need one another?

2008-11-04T00:39:00.001+08:00

Have you heard of the saying, those who call others weird are actually weird. Well who here dares say he or she hasn’t called anyone weird before? Well, I definitely have called people weird before and maybe that’s why I’m starting to get weird. Anyway humans beings are really weird creatures.
Currently, my whole life is in a mess. In terms of the social aspect, I realized that I have fared extremely terribly when it comes to inter-personal relationships. I tried finding the cause of the problem and it sort of boiled down to something called “The need for one another”. Can your friends satisfy your needs? Can your girlfriend satisfy your needs? Can your parents satisfy your needs? [If your thinking sick here, you can try washing your face and coming back to read this seriously.]
It works somewhat like this, if let’s say you recently get engaged in a particular activity and say your good friend can’t find the time to do so, you actually make new friends who can satisfy your need of company. What happens later? You’ll realized that somehow you’ll be a little far apart from the one who used to be your good friends. Parents, if they can’t be understanding enough and all you wanted was a real parent who would give you advice and give care and concern but yet all your parent does is to work and quarrel, they’re probably no longer your parent but sponsors who provide you with what you need.
To put it plain blunt, humans are just god damn selfish. They just want to make use of one another. But as the saying goes, every cloud there is a silver lining. Perhaps not all people are so selfish.

Don’t you find it hard to talk to people sometimes? Fear what they think about you? Can’t everyone just be nice and accept one another? Can’t we just express ourselves? Despite saying so I’m quite the hypocrite myself, face it when people over-express themselves they get alienated. So what actually is the cause of the problem besides the part about “Needs”. Is it the fault of society or perhaps the advancement of technologies?
Certainly these things play an important role. Think about this if your friends sent you an email instead of using instant message in this century, what would you think? I told my friend that, and he said he would simply punch me the next time he sees me because it’s such a hassle of opening the god damn hotmail. This is one good example of people no longer writing letters as they used to. What’s wrong with writing letters ?! You see the world is too confined with “Ordinary Actions”.
I recall the other time when I met the gay gangster, I pondered why did humans turn out so differently even though we were all once babies. Well our society and the environment really plays a part in shaping us. Perhaps this causes the communication problems that we all experience in this present day.

I honestly think I might become a psychiatrist in the future that way I could sort out all my inter-personal relationship problems. Lately, I looked into some psychological models that explained the human character. I came across something called the big five personality traits the five factors being OCEAN. Which is ... Openness, Conscientiousness, Extraversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. It’s how you actually classify someone’s character. I found that pretty interesting however this model has it’s limitations it does not take into account other factors that shape us to be who we are. This includes religion, identify, motivation, honesty etc...

Well, the bottom line is I’m a confused individual out there who’s trying to understand how the world works. Apparently I still haven’t come to an answer.

I Finally Did IT ...

2008-10-31T00:17:00.001+08:00

Did you know that in America, it is recorded that Soldiers who return from countries filled with insurgents such as Pakistan and Iraq suffer post-trauma? Soldiers dun experience real gun fire nor do they experience shooting and deaths of people. After returning to their homelands, they experience difficulties in their social lives and not to mention picking up a gun and doing their job again.
Well, in my opinion it’s not about the soldier picking up the gun and to hit the target but rather it’s about overcoming the fear and pulling the trigger which he would definitely hesitate to do so.

Today, was a day that I had to look fear in the face and do that thing that I cannot do. Well, it didn’t went as well as planned but still, I did it. The day started off bad, real bad. Due to a stomach ache and poor time prediction, I ended up being late. It wasn’t the 5 minute type of late thingy but it was a whole 25 minutes. Darn did I feel guilty and damn was it going to affect what I will be doing at the later portion of the day.
Well, fortunately we still managed to catch the movie. Apparently High School Musical 3 was pretty good. Sure most guys find this show inappropriate, they think it’s more for guys on the feminine side but still I enjoyed it. The movie portrayed certain problems that teens and young adults face, some of it includes difficulties in making decisions in life, being parted from people you love (1053 miles) and transitions in the human life such as graduation and going from one phase to another. The dancing was awesome too. Well, for one thing I don’t find guys who dance and sing gay, in fact I find Lucas Gabreel who played Ryan pretty cool because the way he dances and express himself in rather dynamic manner. It’s one part about not thinking about what other people think about you. Guess what? Apparently when I was looking out for his profile I realized that he will be the cast of Beverley Hill Ninja 2. If you don’t know what it is, it’s a movie where you’ll be laughing your ass out from the start.
Set aside the movie, as the day approached I hesitated and started to think again. Sometimes it’s really better to not think so much, it gets kinda problematic if you do it excessively like I do. Despite all the stupid cognitive process that was taking place, I still decided to go a certain way. If I had a chance to turn back time, I’ll do it again but more confidently. Must there be a reason to do something all the time? Well, perhaps but there are certain things in life that happen without a reason. Take for example, would you shield someone from a falling heavy object? Well for you I would. If you reason it out in terms of logic, you’ll fail to come to a conclusion because certain things work beyond the premises of logic. There is simply no reason, it’s the resonance of souls.

Despite not doing as well as I hoped for it to be, still I said my peice and I felt a huge sense of relief. Sure there was a stunning aftermath that was felt but later I found my soul calmed. At the very least, I will not be like Makato Shinkai the Author who wrote 5cm/s, well he didn’t do certain things that cause him to regret till the very day. Think about it, the man even had to write about himself using an animated character Takkaki Tono with a similar experience of regretting.

What is it to be truely Enlightened?

2008-10-26T19:55:00.000+08:00

I recall a very familiar feeling that I once experienced. Debate sessions in the past always left me mind boggled at the end of the day. It’s the feeling that leaves you stunned with nothing to say, tired from trying thus causing your entire mind to be in a blank.
Take for example, I recall the part about the nuclear issue regarding North Korea. You’ll see ambassadors and various types of negotiators talking and discussing ... but what happens? Well nothing happened at the end of the year. Events such as these just leave me more helpless than ever. It’s like a very common saying in school “Why bother trying? Study don’t study still the same”.

The feeling of being helpless is perhaps one of the most devastating experience. There are those who are caught in various “Viscous cycles”. These people resort to desperate means such as suicide while others simply lose their minds and emotions. Only a handful of them would try to get themselves out of such predicaments.

Certain aspects of my life has been drastically affected by the “Can’t be bothered attitude”. To be caught in such helpless circumstances what can one do but to abandon hope and to get oneself “drunk” with certain activities? The purpose of some activities is to have simple plain fun, but yet it has been altered to “trying to get yourself lost” and forgetting reality. It’s like alcoholism.

Being a third speaker enables me to analyze cases and reconstruct them. It is often described as the person who can turn the tide. Engaging in the role as a problem solver often makes me imagine myself to be the Freedom Gundam with multiple cannons that can subdue all problems. Despite being able to solve many problems, but why is it that I am so persistent that certain problems cannot be solved?

I always blame time and circumstances for putting me in unfavourable positions. But yet how viscous are certain cycles? How can one term a problem “Unsolvable” when he just sits down complaining about his failures encountered while tackling the problem? I always mentioned about putting a good fight and not giving up. But I have failed to do so.

Lately a couple of events swirled past, it just made me realized that Reinhold Niebuhr’s Prayer of Serenity is very ambiguous in a sense that it could be interpreted in various ways.

Let us examine a portion of this prayer.
“God, grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.”

I realized that when I tried applying this, straight away I assumed that I had the wisdom and that future was destined. Meaning I couldn’t change certain things because it is already written in the book of destiny. Above was just to make things sound nice, to put it bluntly I am foolish coward who does not have the courage to change the things that I can.

But I won’t stay a coward, neither will I stop fighting the viscous cycle of life. I will fight till the very end till I drop dead. It is true that God has plans for us, but you know what? It’s not about really getting out of the viscous cycle and defying god’s will. But it’s about fulfilling my way of life that is to ensure that the term “If I could, I would” applies to me.

Letting Go

2008-10-21T22:19:00.001+08:00

Throughout the course of time
The leaves wither and the land changes
But what is left unchanged is the will of men
That is to reach to the very top

For a swordsman it is the perfection of the sword
But what then is the mark of Zenith?
Some claim that it is the ability to withstand the course of time
To experience and to be able to wield it till the end of time without getting bored?
Could it also sum up to being greater than others?
Or is it to be one with the sword?

To me, it’s simply being able to put down the sword.
How simple and yet difficult this is?
What irony it is to pick up the sword and release your grip over it later
But there are things that are beyond our control
It’s the way our souls resonate, this compelling feeling is beyond what words can express

The cycle of life states that with death comes life
With happiness comes sorrow
And too, with confusion comes enlightenment

Is it really the job of time to heal all wounds?
I think otherwise, it is simply how long one takes to get enlightened

[Certain events do not have a happy ending, because it doesn’t have an ending to begin with. Letting go is just a phase within the never-ending cycle]

Below are 2 quotes that I love a lot with regards to the topic “Letting Go”
You never leave someone behind, you take a part of them with you and leave a part of yourself behind. – Unknown author
When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. - Lao Tzu

Amazingly while looking into the topic about “Letting Go”, I came across a prayer also known as Reinhold Niebuhr's Prayer of Serenity

God, grant me serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time,
accepting hardships as a pathway to peace
taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it,
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever
in the next.
Amen

I haven't met someone Gayer ...

2008-10-18T13:42:00.000+08:00

Today’s experience left me flabbergasted and yet too stunned in some way. Unlike the Friday’s that I had lately, I didn’t practice ball alone. I met up with my old friend SWL at our usual hotspot that we used to hang out around during secondary school, we played a couple of ball games but as the day proceeded things got ugly.

A very common scene when it comes to sports games is to see players pushing one another when physical contact is made and they start to taunt one another. But unlike the ordinary “conflict scene” that I usually encountered, something happened this time.

Bruce Bowen a player in the NBA well known for his defence but also well known for being a jackass for kicking and elbowing others. Whether a not the man is a hard working defender or he is a jackass I have no idea. But often there is a fine line between good defence and physical contacts, if you play good defence having physical contacts is pretty much expected but as long as the physical contacts aren’t those foul plays such as whacking a person on purpose or trying to injure someone I am pretty much alright with it. Wei Liang’s defence has always been bad but surprisingly he defended well today.

Well think about this, how far can an old fat guy with a skinny looking cheek o pei go? Well just as expected we did badly but despite that we still tried hard, but apparently all I can say about street ballers these days is that many of those gangsters are fucking gays who can’t take body contact. There was absolutely no foul play by us and the body contact was barely minimal. I won’t be surprised if next time if we actually hit their finger nails they might call an ambulance.

Apparently this “Gay” was so childish that he had to resort to smashing my friend’s face when checking the ball. The worst thing was that he happened to do it twice after my friend said forget about the whole matter during the first. But after he hit my friend’s face the second time, I don’t know why but automatically I picked up the ball and just when I was about to smash the ball on his face I stopped to reflect, perhaps it might not be the best decision to do so. I decided that I need not stoop so low to his level that I actually behaved like how an adult would have. I reasoned out initially and eventually threw the ball backwards and walked off with my friend.
Just when I thought gay’s couldn’t get gayer “He” approached us and continued taunting us apparently at that moment, I was sitting down with a very relax post and when he came barking I told him off like how an adult would without a single tinge of fear I was not trembling in any sense. This really shocked me because of my quiet and non-aggressive nature, I wasn’t suppose to speak confidently and I was supposed to be scared.

Although it made that “Him” look really bad but there was another thing that caused a tremor in my heart. Let’s say if “IF” that gangster wasn’t in his right mind and he actually punched my friend, what actually would happen? Ok, this is the part in which my imagination runs wild and basically it comes to a point that in such situations I cannot protect my friend much less myself. Perhaps I should take up some martial arts, it might come in handy. Likelihood of meeting up with gangsters who really pull out their punches in street courts are pretty low in Singapore, however does this apply to overseas as well? I don't know.

As we walked off to a distant bus stop, Wei Liang and I had a good chat one which we did not have in ages. Apparently, I said something rather gay but it came from the heart. That was secondary school wouldn’t have been the way it was without him. Like all other things, I always felt that certain things don’t have to be told because what matters is that as long as 2 people feel a certain way about something that’s all that matters.

Ever since sec 2, Wei Liang and I had been good friends. Amazingly we shared many common points such as playing the same type of computer games and we both loved basketball. Furthermore he was quite friendly so it was easy to communicate. Because basketball and computer games took up most of my time that meant we hanged out together really often and people started to think that we were gays ... [This is not a gay post, but the word gay seemingly appears too often.]

On my way home, a couple of thoughts resonated within my mind. Instead of bearing hatred for those gangsters, I felt sorry for them. Aren’t all children innocent? How then did we all turn out so differently?

At the end, lies a begining

2008-10-15T23:32:00.000+08:00

Deep within the abyss lies the man in the iron mask
Cold is the stare that beams from his mask
But sad is the man who lies behind the iron mask

Unperturbed is the man that is engulfed in flames
Yet who is to blame for this agony
It is none other than the one that is stronger than gravity

The creator of his anguish is the greatest criminal
one that the laws have no control over
with powers so great as to turn autumn into winter

Powerless is the victim with the tainted heart
All that is left is the pen of destiny
Only to weave a tale of eternal death

- A poem written by Perry Tan

[With no other soul to turn to, the man within the abyss seeks comfort in words weaved by a pen]

Alright, this is actually my first official poem. Although my language proficiency isn’t spectacular but I kind of like what I wrote.

Just yesterday I actually met Derrel in the same room, what a coincidence! Out of 32 rooms and within that particular room there were actually 5-6 hosts. Chances of us meeting were like (1/32 * 1/6).

Despite not talking for ages, amazingly we had the same frequency. Amazingly Derrel and I had no ends to the things we can talk about. We do not even need to think of what to say, it just flows naturally and despite how lame my jokes were and how lame his jokes were we would still laugh honestly with all our heart.
Like myself, Derrel is rather alone too. Despite hanging out with the gang 100 times more often than I do, but once again due to ‘Circumstances’ we all got to part after some time. Amazingly he said something quite inspirational, it’s the first time he said something inspirational actually -.-

‘I believe inside our lives, there is something that is missing. That particular thing is actually a key but at certain points of our life this key will appear perhaps it just hasn’t appeared now. The circle of life states that in order for a beginning an end has to occur’

What is this Key he was mentioning? Is it a person? A friend? A hobby? Go figure.

[Looking backwards makes one sad, looking forward makes one scared. Perhaps that's why we look at the present]

Enlighten me ...

2008-10-10T23:59:00.000+08:00

Unlike the other Friday’s in which I used to join my friends for basketball games, I joined my class instead for some fun filled activities. There is this particular activity that I love and dread doing, and that is to play badminton. I love the game but I always have a tendency of hurting my forearm. During some parts of the day, someone did ask me a good question and that is, would I have joined them if my common company of friends were still there playing ball every Friday?
Well I don’t know ... I would like the best of both worlds.

While working on something today, I came across the quote ...

“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is one who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect
sweetness the independence of solitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Well, with regards to interpreting the quote and relating it to my life I recall a lesson learnt during year 1, the lesson on the “Edge of Chaos”. To do your duty and not to think about what people think, it definitely serves a great point that lies between greatness and meanness. There are times that there is just a fine line between right and wrong. But you know what? Justice lies within the heart, and because everyone has a yardstick between right and wrong. Follow your heart, as long as you think your right and you do it with a conscience than it is all that matters (This phrase was mentioned 1 year ago, yet all this time I have been so perplexed when all along I had the answer.)

Today’s episode of the Drive Of Life was really inspiring and it made me think about some things. My friend finds this show too slow, but I like thought provoking shows that helps me shape my thinking. In today’s episode it was stated by Joe Ma that there are times in which you can’t have the best of both worlds. When it comes to certain parts of our life we have to prioritize between career, family, love life and friends. It’s a tough decision but at the end of the day let the heart guide you because there are times in which there are simply no answers. This and the above are all questions that have caused me to be very troubled but I guess I have the answer all the while it’s just about taking steps in life to attain enlightenment.

There was this particular part in today’s episode that I love a lot. That is the part in which Ron was racing, he had to make a tough decision between winning by underhand means and to go against his boss by not doing so. In the heat of making a decision, a couple of flashbacks occurred in which his rival shared with him important aspects of life. Initially he did use the underhand mean but later on he gave up that idea and worked to do his best and that is to the extent of losing honourably. But as he was giving it his best, someone decided to set him up and his car crashed. The car was in terrible shape but still he persisted to drive to the finishing line. It’s not about winning sometimes it’s about giving in your best and to live with no regrets. To live life to the fullest like there is no tomorrow.

[ There are people who are concerned about being in a less fortunate position than some others thus limiting what they can do. But you know what? It doesn’t matter whether a not you are tall or shot, neither does it matter if you aren’t that intelligent. It too doesn’t matter if what you do will make a difference in winning a not. What matters is that you give it your 100% and to keep moving forward. That’s the heart of a champion]

Below is a clip from a movie that I find very inspirational

Comfort from books, movies and god!

2008-10-05T21:55:00.000+08:00

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!" - Rocky Balboa

Some of us really question how much we can take, but you know what? We can't afford to know that. Apparently there is a difference between learning from the past and living in the past. We are all stuck in some dimensions at times.

Yesterday, my friend advised me to pray during times in which I am down. Apparently I didn’t do so because my faith isn’t very strong. It’s more like inconsistent, after the weekends I felt much better than I did on Friday. Going to church felt good today, I recall a pastor once saying that you can’t do good on your own, although I couldn’t recall word for word but it appeared to be somewhat like this ... at the end of the day when your down, god is the only one that you can turn to. Ain’t no books or movies that can comfort you till the end. Well, despite knowing this but it ain’t easy not one bit.

Here is a song that I like quite a lot. [Despite singing this for quite some time, I wasn’t really aware of the name of it]

Whats meant to be will be!

2008-10-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

Recently, I was thinking of creating a new blog one that is not known to anyone but myself. Perhaps anyone who is reading this now will find me trying to act emo again. Wrong, for one I don’t like to act emo either and secondly when I created my blog it was supposed to be private such that only I would be aware of its existence.
The reason why I blog is to release the tension within me, to help me refine my thoughts to think more clearly and to pen down anything that affects me in my lifetime. Not too long ago, it’s existence was discovered by quite a few people and even though I reassured them that even though they know it exists, it won’t affect the way I write however I failed to do so. I always thought that one of the greatest state that one can achieve is to be unconcerned with what people around you say and think about you. I always thought that I for one managed to do this to a certain extent, but just like I mentioned it is only to a certain extent. After all, we all want to fit in one way or another. I have yet to reach the stage of enlightenment.

Recently, I have countless of bottled up feelings that is about to explode. Loads of insights and perspectives filled my mind but yet I dare not mention them for fear of what others might think of me. However I have straightened out my thinking, who cares about what other people think? Are you going to live for the sake of others and to put up with what they think all the time? Hell no. Recently some of my classmates likes to laugh sarcastically at my jokes and give a fuck face 3 seconds later. You know what? I don’t give a damn what he or she thinks about me, if every move that one make requires the consent of others he or she should change from a human to a dog. Saying this doesn’t mean I will scold that particular fellow, I never intend or will hurt anyone.

Alright, this will perhaps be one of my longest post because I have so much to pen down about. I don’t know why but recently, I have not been a very happy person. Today is a Friday, but unlike the other Fridays that I have it was the first Friday in which there was no basketball game. Although I tried going to another court to play with some other people however it was just different and it felt bad really bad. In fact through this incident, I managed to gain a better understanding of certain things. Why was I so obsessed with RPG games in the past? Why are some others too so obsessed? The reason is pretty simple, like someone I know of we all do not like to be left out. When one is so obsessed with RPG games, besides to have fun and to create a new character and to present yourself differently, we all want to be recognized by others. We all want to be in a circle in which your significant such that you make a difference and your presence is felt.

Imagine this situation, if within your life now no one can feel your presence and you are not important or significant to a group of people or to a particular someone how would you feel? This is perhaps something that I am feeling. I am currently feeling very down, sometimes I really wonder if I am just like a kid who believes in santa clause. Is working hard really enough? I am not intelligent and in fact I am doing quite badly in class lately I really wonder if I can accomplish what I have mentioned months ago. Furthermore, despite working quite hard I am not particularly good at my favourite sport either. (My friend admires my Zest in life, but how true is that? I am perhaps the one who needs the most encouragement, who in the world needs motivational talks every now and then?)) But at least my friends were there and we loved the game that was all that mattered, I could feel that my presence was felt and I was irreplaceable it gave me a sense of belonging. Despite having some conflict in views at times, I still loved hanging around them. For example because I play the role as center usually I am the defender, I seldom go to the hoop myself meaning I don’t do all sorts of stunts and if I were to go up to the rim in my own style they would find my play risky but when it comes to them and when they make all sorts of fanciful plays and lose possession of the ball that’s just that. Well, this reminds me of Asuma in the anime Naruto Shippuden he and one of the other 12 ninja guardians had a difference in views one choose to serve the emperor and the other the hokage and even though Asuma killed his friend Kazuma eventually yet he still respects his friend and he believes that he has not done anything wrong it was just a mere difference in views. I like Kazuma will stand strong in my believe. (I am aware that there is a fine line between being stubborn and persistant. But sometimes nobody understands you.)

I believe that as we age, the feeling of fun starts to disappear. I recall the vivid moments during secondary school in which there was a drive every day, there was basketball after school, hanging out at miao de’s house playing card games and consoles and even if all options are out there would be scrabble club in which me Derrel, PY and KK would crap, joke and have fun with the game too. Even though Derrel’s jokes were like 0.000005% funny we still laughed and had fun. I could feel my presence and the absence of any of us is irreplaceable. If I were to disappear from the earth now, how many people would actually notice? I actually counted and if I am not wrong it is less than 20 people, many times in class I find that the facilitator does not recognize the presence of each and every individual which is rather sad. I guess I am just at a phase of life that everyone has to go through sooner or later, it’s the phase of being left alone eventually. As we age friends part due to circumstances, and there will come a point of time in which you are almost alone.

What makes you happy? Ever thought about that? Well I think about such weird questions that no one ever really bothers to, and sadly I can say nothing really makes me happy anymore. Reflecting more, I felt that perhaps the main cause of this boils down to balance. I when I was young, no study means cannot play computer, the computer games were my drive in life something that I fight for. It’s just like those impoverished people from those countries filled with insurgents who fight for their life.

Below is a quote that relates to the above:
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? - Kahlil Gibran
If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. - Anne Bradstreet

As we age, no one really nags at us to do stuff. When there is an absence of balance fun along with it will disappear. Think about this, to an adult money means almost everything but to a child all he cares about is his game it doesn’t matter if its $2 or $5000 it’s all about fun. Like my previous post those who understand life will understand that it. All kids die for freedom but yet when it is given to them, there will come a point of time in which they realize they are not in any sense “free”.

Other than the above factors causing me to be very upset lately, I had this thought that I am born in the wrong place and time. I always felt that I was meant to be a valiant knight during medival times or a samurai in the meiji era or even a martial artist in the central plains. Ok I should quit exaggerating and get to the point. Recently I mentioned about envying my friend Kevin and Zubin because they are in situations much more favourable than I am. Kevin says that I am lucky because certain occurrences happen more frequently for me than for him. But than ... how I wish that there was this thought antagonist. Certain thoughts have become reflex actions for me, unknowingly I would just do it. Even if I tell myself to stop looking, but I just can’t help it. It’s like the fly from the movie “Disney’s Bug’s Life”. The fly was flying towards the light, saying “It’s so beautiful!”, 5 seconds later you see some black object falling downwards. (Basically if you don’t get it, it means the bug actually died despite knowing it’s danger.) People say that time is the best physician, but if it had a job it’s not doing its job at the moment. Every time when “occurrences” happen I will get open wounds and it just keeps getting opened time and again. Although I mentioned about not wanting these occurrences to happen, but there will always be this short interval in which I would be very happy. But after a couple of seconds I would be filled with immense sadness because there are some things that are just not meant to be. It’s just me being at the wrong place at the wrong time doing the wrong things. If my circumstances were to differ, I would definitely do it and no matter how the outcome I will be a happy man. Sometimes I myself don’t know what I want, I should just go sleep forever until I get my thoughts right. If the time were to not come, I would rather sleep forever.

I am the XWZ

2008-09-28T22:57:00.000+08:00

Above is a picture of a rose, after reading the entire post you will understand.

Recently, certain “Texts” has made me “Recalled” a book. I shall not name the book but rather I would describe it. The book is “Highly Abstract”. Most people who don’t even bother reading it, would say ‘Hey Pear, deprived childhood?’

As I “Recall” this book, I decided to read it once again to recall certain parts of it. Apparently my initial interpretation of it was somewhat correct, the book is highly analogical and there wasn’t really a fixed story line. Rather it was based on the life experience of the author. Reading this book again was good idea, because it made me understand certain things. I managed to learn more values.

At times, when one matures into an adult, we actually lose out a lot about life and we only see things from a certain perspective. This is a sad truth, because all they think about is “Matters of Consequence”. But for those who understand life, figures are a matter of indifference. (Many Phrases that I have used are quoted from the book)

It is difficult for people to find friends. Finding a friend is akin to showing someone an abstract art. Because it is an “Abstract” art, different people would interpret it differently, those who interpret it in a similar way could be thought of as one that “understands” you because you guys are of the same frequency.

Here are some quotes that I love from the book. I paraphrased some of them to add on the mystery of the book. (Bolded)

"Many at times, what is important is the thing that is not seen”
"Do not look with the eyes, but the heart ..."

Certainly this is true, many at times your eyes can cloud your vision. This reminds me of another quote “Love is not blinded, because it sees more, it is willing to see less.”

"This time, go and look again at the IT. You will understand now that IT is unique in all the world.”
“During the night, I will be alive in one of the stars and within it I will be smiling. So to another it will be as if all the stars were smiling ... You, only you will see the smiling stars.”

In life, we never understand the importance of certain things until we lose them. Also, it takes time for one truly understand certain aspects of life, that’s why we’re living it to gain greater enlightenment. The part about the smiling stars is easily interpreted, however it differs from one to another. Think about this, it is just like if someone were to bring in terms such as “Strawberry, Green, GQQ and You Know Who”, I and only I would be able to understand it.

I admire the Author’s ability to construct such an analogical masterpiece and I look forward to creating one myself, perhaps in the near future.

The one that makes things happen.

2008-09-27T19:58:00.000+08:00

Ever since years back I always pondered to myself, why is it so hard to find someone of the same frequency as me? Could it be that I really was unfathomable? Apparently not ... I recall my friend Kevin once told me that it’s suppose to be that way, if everyone was in the same frequency then the world would be so dull.
Some people find me comical, others find me creepy because I laugh and smile to myself sometimes. Well, it all boils down to how the great mind thinks. My mind and character were all built up by my idols ... well, most of them are fictional characters but I don’t see a big problem with that. If one ever wonders how my mind ticks, you could say I’m a combination of everyone I admire. I’ve got one hell of a whacked imagination, that’s why I can crap so well.
Some people might find me very pathetic because my values, character and behaviour are all built up based on mostly fictional character. However insult me if you want but don’t insult them, they are “People” whom I have immense respect on.

Recently, I tried looking for more sports related anime to watch. After searching for ages, I came across the anime “Dear Boys”. Apparently it was a great disappointment because I tend to compare it with other anime that I have watched. Slam Dunk is the best basketball anime to ever exist. Takehiko Inoue the writer of slam dunk is simply brilliant, unfortunately he didn’t write Slam Dunk 2. Why is slam dunk my favourite anime? Great music at appropriate times and super inspirational, it taught me a lot of values.

Here is a list of people I respect a lot from my favourite anime Slam Dunk.

Name: Soichiro Jin
What about him: Despite being tall, he wasn’t cut out to be a centre because he was too soft and his jump power is weak too. However he did not give up, he practiced shooting 500 3-Pointers a day and eventually became a sharp shooter

Name: Maki Shinichi
What about him: The part about him wanting to win so badly is something that deserves respect. The difference between those who are merely good and champions is that who just wants to win more.

Name: Takenori Akagi
What about him: He has attained the state of mental being stronger than physical. Not many can achieve this, it’s like asking a 70 year old man to do a windmill when it’s impossible.

Name: Hanamichi Sakuragi
What about him: He’s not suppose to be in the list, it’s just that I like the way he thinks. Rather we think alike. The lamest person on earth who calls himself a genius, I do that to sometimes when no one is around =D

Name: Mitsui Hisashi
What about him: A good example of turning over a new leaf. It is never too late to pursue your dreams.

Name: Ryota Miyagi
What about him: Despite being criticized of being short, he shows others that being short does not mean he can’t put up a good fight.

Recently, I came across an interesting quote 'If we always do what we've always done, we will get what we've always got.' - Adam Urbanski. I believe that certainly this is true that is why the only constant is change itself, we just go to keep standing up and keep fighting back.
What happens when the sky is filled with stars, how can a mere star get the attention of the viewer? In the business world, rivals compete with one another. Whatever one has the other has too. So how can one show his or her X-Factor? It all boils down to who just wants to win more.

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of
people: those who let it happen, those who make it
happen, and those who wonder what happened.”- John M.
Richardson Jr.

I’m the type of guy that makes things happen.

Friends come and go ...

2008-09-27T00:40:00.001+08:00

Imagine this scene, in a third world country there is a sudden surge in the usage of power supply and all the energy produced in the powerplant is channelled to the source and then ... everything goes poof. [If you don’t get what I am driving at, I am referring to the entire city experiencing a blackout]

A similar scene occurred today, it reminds me of first year during debate when Wayne scolds me. During then, I was in the limelight ... meaning I was actually giving my speech and all of a sudden I just stop not knowing how to continue. I believe many people have this problem to ... losing your train of thoughts. I always felt that Asians can’t comprehend English conversations as well as Caucasians. Well perhaps it might be due to the different way in which we speak and the ability to focus. It’s like a channelling spell which can’t be interrupted.

Today was rather embarrassing because during class I was brainstorming and damn did the storm get too ugly and on impulse I raised my hand to pose a question and 5 minutes later, I see myself in front of the class trying to explain what I was asking and I did lose my train of thoughts when I was upfront. Some people don’t really get themselves involved in such discussions and perhaps they find the guy talking bullshit and no one understands him. Well, I admit it was my fault to waste everyone’s time ... oh well, life goes on

Every Friday, I would dash off after class way faster than usual because I had a tight schedule to keep up with. I make it a point to meet up with my secondary school friends to play basketball twice a week, the 8 – 12 of us would meet up frequently and play ball. It was something which I looked forward to each week. But after our ball game today, there came the bad news ... apparently we were going to meet up less frequently, only on Sundays. I never told them I was going to Australia to study and perhaps migrate there in the future, it was only till recently in which they found out. I always thought that when the day to leave were to come they would really miss me. However today was such a day in which they had to leave to do their work. Some had attachments while others are working. Instead of leaving them first, they left me first and I really miss them major big time. During my time in secondary school, because we were from different classes I did not manage to get to know them well, even till now I don’t really talk much but despite that they meant something to me. My strict training regime was to partly to impress them too, if they were to leave me who would share the joy with?

Sure... some might say “Hey Perry, your still gonna meet on weekends stop making it sound as though your not going to meet forever”. But the thing is that they mean a lot to me. Well will resume playing 3 months later, great... by then it’s January and school ends. It’s time for army worse still by the time we regroup, another group of friends leave me. With regards to the topic about friends, I guess time and circumstances determine who we meet and what happens next. Are friends just companions that see you through various phases of life? So... they come and go when circumstances change? I mentioned about envying some of my friends at times, because they can do what I can’t. Take for instance they are more independent than I am, some others can say what they want because their circumstances favours the outcome of what they have to say. Sigh... this reminds me of an old song “木鱼与金鱼” , the lyrics reminds me of “Circumstances”.

Hang ON !

2008-09-18T23:04:00.001+08:00

Be it work or study, the feeling of being exhausted and lost is always there. Many of us seek different forms of encouragement, some choose to get themselves “Drunk” with entertainment such as playing video games, some others choose to crap it out with friends. Others like myself resort to getting motivation from admiring people who keep going at it even if it means breaking a leg.
Recently, I have been working hard ensuring that I pay adequate amount of attention in class and set aside the workout regime I had to ensure that I score 200 hoops a day. All for the sake of getting stronger and to change to become the better person. However my friend asked me something that made my resolve waver, “Perry, if you keep doing it isn’t it becoming a routine and won’t you find it bothersome in time to come?” Well putting that aside, many other factors has caused me to stumble as well. I am very disappointed with myself in class today, I wasn’t paying attention but playing with my friend checkers. Where in the seven seas did the responsible me go to? (If anyone sees me not paying attention, nudge me and remind me thx. All you got to say is “The pain of discipline is much less than the pain of regret.”)
Also, I always wonder sometimes sermons by pastors get rather boring and it just doesn’t seem to get into my head. Could it be that I have not yet encounter a relatively similar experience to relate to? Sometimes I was just wondering, a pastor having to get ready a speech each weekend is it by his strength? Or is it buy the strength of god? (Well, the picture I’m trying to paint is that does god speak to the pastor before every Sunday? I don’t think so ...)
Apparently, anime isn’t airing lately meaning emotions aren’t being heightened at the moment (No Fire, where is the spark that should be there be it rain or shine?). What’s going to happen when all the anime that I am watching ends? (OMG! I don’t even want to think about it). Maybe the day will come, and when it comes I will be a seasoned veteran who does not need to rely on others anymore.
Lost? Exhausted? Fret not, I am feeling the same way. Here is something to ignite you.

“The best way out is always through.” – Robert Frost

The Viscous Cycle

2008-09-14T21:32:00.000+08:00

Today is akin to pay day. People work to get paid, but what happens if your work and your effort goes to waste? Fortunately for me, today was a good day in which my basketball practices have shown some results. But what has to be understood is that there are times in which your efforts do not produce the expected the results. As mentioned before, I am one who gets disappointed easily. But what matters most is that you have given it your 100%. I believe that regardless of what you do the blood and sweat that you shed will pay off one way or another.

Well set aside the good that has happened to me today, there is the bad too. I always mentioned about my tendency to back off when problems gets too complex. I hope that in time to come, I will not be a coward that backs off when troubles lurks. Many of us would have come across the term “The never-ending viscous cycle”, I manage to chance upon these circumstances quite a number of times. Today was such a day, but instead of simply chancing across it became indirectly experiencing it. It reminded me of what I read in a magazine about the situation in Afghanistan. Afghanistan, an impoverished country trapped in such a cycle. Although the international committee has assigned NATO to aid in terms of foreign intervention, however the help provided isn’t enough. The general idea is that a power plant built has to be repaired and it’s production is incomplete, because of the existence of the Taliban materials cannot be delivered simply by trucks, but instead by helicopters. The NATO’s limited forces can do nothing but defend the region and supplying people of the vicinity “Monetary Aid”, but once the forces return to their designated region the Taliban robs and terrorizes these people. One might be curious how does the Taliban get the money to fuel its organization? Well the answer is pretty simple, Opium traffickers provide helpless farmers with seeds and fertilizers to grow the raw material for heroin which in turn finances the insurgents.

This reminds me of “Water Right” situation in Africa and also people who are heavily in-debt. Superheroes such as Batman and Ironman, how do they manage to protect the innocent? They only manage to do it because they are loaded. In the future, I too hope I can be "loaded" one way or another, providing aid to such people caught in these viscous cycles.
[To become one who commands the respect of others]

Why? Why? Why? If only ...

2008-09-12T20:44:00.000+08:00

“The length of the course determines the strength of the horse”. Perseverance, the most important thing champions have. I always tell myself it’s not good to be a perfectionist, in our course of life, mistakes are inevitable what’s most important is to learn from them. This would supposedly mean that I am no perfectionist, but I tend to blame myself too often.

“People blame their environment. There is only one person to blame -- and only one -- themselves.” – Robert Caller
“When you blame others, you give up the power to change.” – Dr Robert Anthony

Why am I so useless?
Why am I so slow?
Why am I so weak?
Why am I so powerless?
If only I was braver,
If only I was smarter,
If only I was more talented.

Am I blaming myself too much?

I’m feeling pretty low lately, life has become much healthier I haven’t been playing much computer games lately. I take my time to work out and shoot hoops daily, In the past, I used to detest practicing alone. I used to find it very boring and it would only be fun with Wei Liang around. The 2 of us used to super close doing all sorts of things together. But everyone has their lives to lead, I recall telling one my friends that time won’t change friendship, how true is it? (Time changes people doesn’t it?)

In the past, if I manage to complete my work early I would game, it later on developed to crapping and talking and now it has become nothing at all. A few thoughts has filled my mind lately, to visit the library and borrow a book to read it in a quiet place, this might help me out in writing short stories in the future. Or to shoot hoops in school everyday.

I finally got a taste of what it means to be injured in a ball game, the impacts are kind of great affecting your performance. Despite the injuries I have sustained lately, such as blisters, pulled hamstring and an injured elbow, I have made it a point to complete my daily regime of exercise and shooting hoops. I get a lot of motivation from anime characters. I always remember a phrase in Naruto, Rock Lee wept and told his sensei that he practices so hard that his legs shake during missions. This along with Naruto’s will to get stronger has fueled my motivation (Anime has to be aired more frequently, I need my daily dose of medication). In the above, I mentioned why, why, why, if only, if only, if only. What’s most important is that I didn’t mention “If only I tried harder”. The pain of discipline is much less than the pain of regrets.

Loneliness or Solitude?

2008-09-09T22:24:00.000+08:00

Today, was the second last episode of “On the First Beat”. Thanks to my sister being a spoiler, I manage to find out what happened at the end, which left me very hollow. I remember telling many of my good friends this saying, when you get married find an opportunity to tell your wife that if the day in which we were to kick the bucket would come, you’ll kick yours first.
Naturally most of us would have been astounded by what I just said, you talking bullshit man? Apparently not, this is because it’s not the dead that suffers but the living ones that do. Well this was quoted from some movie that I watched in the past. So, linking back to on the first beat, the female lead dies ..., this reminds me of the film “Chinese Paladin” which I have yet to complete. (I got to find time to finish watching it) I remember mentioning about a film years back named “Xiao Qing”. It’s about 2 people not being fated to be together, a human falling in love with a ghost. The ending was that he kept her in his umbrella forever. (Apparently, ghosts portrayed in the film feared light. Sounds rather like a vampire to me.)
Well, apparently it is kind of coincidental that I came upon some quotes before watching this episode. “Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” – May Sarton
Many of us use the terms loneliness and solitude interchangeably. But are they really the same? Well, I’ll cut short to the point... it ain’t the same. The notions of solitude, loneliness and being alone are often confusing or misunderstood. One way to look at this is to say that solitude is the joy of being alone while loneliness is the pain of being alone. Being alone is not necessarily to be lonely. Solitude is the prerequisite for creativity and the place in which we can discover the treasure chest of tranquility and serenity and all their benefits.
(Cited from http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Are_Solitude_And_Loneliness_Different.html)
Sometimes I don’t really know whether it’s the feeling of solitude or loneliness that dwells within me, I think it’s both. Lately, my friend terms me as “Anti-Social”. How true is this statement, perhaps to a certain extent. Rather call me an introvert.
I have a really bad habit, if anyone is seeing this right now he or she will definitely be freaked out. I talk to myself sometimes. Yes I do, don’t persuade me to talk to the Good Samartians of Singapore, it ain’t going to help. Well, it isn’t bad you know, the other me helps me to think better and at times boost my confidence. (Maybe it’s just me ...) Recently, I talked to myself in the toilet while bathing and I did not realize that it was a little loud. Mom managed to hear bits and peices and she said I was weird ... great, it’s her fault actually for giving me my Chinese name from an idiom “Zhi Yan Zhi Yu” meaning talking to oneself, apparently my name meant that I would live to be a happy person.
Ok everyone, it’s time for the grandfather talk. Perhaps I am one with too whacked of an imagination, but I would never want to portray myself old with no one else left. Meaning all that’s left are shards of memories. I manage to come across a unique quote that a friend wrote in loving memory of his friend.

“A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last.” – Charles Daniels
written en route to the funeral for his friend, Ronnie Van Zant of the band, Lynyrd Skynyrd.

My Childhood Dream

2008-09-06T23:16:00.001+08:00

Recently, I got really in-to the physical aspect. I have been reading from various sources how to improve my physique and ultimately it isn’t all for the sake of NS, but for my passion basketball. Compared to most of the Singaporeans, I am slightly above average in terms of height and jump power so most of the time when playing basketball I am always playing the role Centre. Basically what most people know about them is that they are large and slow, they rebound, put up impressive defensive display and score within the post. My recent trip to Australia made me realize that height and jump power can no longer be my forte. There are many out there who are taller and who can jump higher, in fact I am rather short as compared to most of them. That’s why I’m going to train my dexterity and dribbling techniques. To make the most drastic transition, from a centre to a point guard. (The main idea most people have of a point guard is one who is small in size and fast, good at dribbling, able to score from a distance and a coach on the court who makes the right decisions) Ok, so if you did observe the 2 descriptions it is like totally opposite.
I am so envious of people who are born in the US, their parents are supposedly more open minded and they get to develop their talents. Compare athletes from Singapore to the USA, I believe that there is higher chances for a normal individual to develop his or her talents. There are so many talented streetballers in the USA, if you were to compare them with Singapore one’s they are younger and even more talented.
Ok! Enough with myself being green in envy of others. I want to join University of Queensland’s basketball team in the future. I want to experience official tournaments, making friends and experiencing hardship. I believe that my new training regime along with National Service will beef me up.
Some call themselves perfectionists, although I don’t count myself as one however I am easily disappointed by my performance at times. I understand that things don’t change immediately, Rome wasn’t built in a day, I need to have more patience. School has started and I have been putting in my fair share of effort but the outcome isn’t exactly going the way in which I hope for it to be. I need to develop more confidence and to be more outspoken.

(I hope I can dribble like the above)

Holiday to the Land Down Under

2008-09-02T23:21:00.000+08:00

Holiday: The Land Down Under

Day of Flight: (Thursday)
Few days before the day of flight, my aunt called to ask if I was afraid. Well, although I answered no however during the day itself hell was I panicky. It was the first time I travelled alone. Well, it didn’t went as bad as I thought. The instructions given to me helped quite a lot even though it didn’t went perfectly smooth.
Being new at this travelling thingy, I was given advice to book a corridor seat which I eventually did. This is exactly the part which made me feel like a country bumpkin. You see, there wasn’t a chair in front of mine ... you know what this means? This basically means that I didn’t see the TV thingy anywhere. I had no choice but to approach the air stewardess and ask for directions. Major embarrassment.
People say Singapore Airlines food is much better as compared to other airlines. If Singapore Airlines food is “Good”, I would never want to be served food by another airline, it might probably taste worse than hospital food.
The most interesting that happened to me on the day itself would be the conversations I had with my dad. Dad asked me an interesting question: “When is a child closest to the parents?” My personal opinion would be that when we get older. I felt that when we were children, it’s not as though we were given a choice rather we were dependent on them. I thought that the time spent does not matter rather, it is how you spend the “limited” time you have. Dad gave me his personal take on it, it was the direct opposite. He felt that as children grow older, they become more independent and they no longer need their parents, this causes a drift. Ironically the ultimate aim of a parent is to nurture a child to an adult so that he could take care of him or herself in the future. Doesn’t that mean raising a child to leave you? This reminds me of the show “Money not Enough 2” which I caught the day before.
I believe this does not apply only to bringing up children. If you come to think about it, many at times people are forced to do things it is only when they are forced to do such things do they realize the joy in it. For instance, which child would want to attend school if given a choice? But yet is through being forced to go to school that he makes friends. Perhaps as we grow older, got less and less of these forced “Opportunities”

Day 1: (Friday)
My first day in Australia brought back jolts of memory from the past. Although things have changed over the past 9 years but there are things that don’t change too. Like the lottery thingy for instance and other buildings. Well, recalling the past is not always positive you know? Here comes the negative part. The weather is very cold. I knew it was cold all along but because it’s winter, morning and night is way colder than ever. It’s like below 5 degrees at times.
Imagine waking up not wanting to leave your blanket which you must and stepping foot on the freezing cold floor. Feels like the ducky which steps in the cold pond going BWUUU! I wasn’t really used to the lifestyle, the place seems rather too wide. It’s times like this which you miss the “Smallness” of Singapore. It takes like at the very least to travel 15 minutes around places. This could extend to 45 minutes. Just doing a few things and the day will be gone. In the past night falls at around 4-5pm. The only change perhaps would be because it’s winter at the moment meaning spring is about to approach and night falls around 6 or so.
Managed to mingle with Fendi (My aunt’s dog whom I last saw at least 8 years ago) and the guinea pigs (Ah Bui and Mogi)
I ate dim sum for lunch, slept afterwards and went for Korean BBQ for dinner. The food here rocks, but that’s the problem. I would probably return 10kg heavier.
Went to the City to check out stuff with my cousin in the evening. The cool thing about the public transports here is that they have a special lane for it. Take for instance in the City, they have roads and lanes built only for these buses that way there won’t be traffic jams. Cool right? But despite that you would still have to walk a distance sometimes due to the place being too big. (People in Singapore start considering yourselves blessed.)
I realized that living expenses aren’t cheap here. Although the pay here is much higher than in Singapore but the prices of things pretty much makes up for everything. You could imagine things being 2x more expensive not putting conversion rates into consideration. (Imagine this, a bottle of coke costs Sg$1.75. Over here, it costs like Aus$3.50 (Using conversion rates it would be like $3.50 * 1.3 = $4.55. Mega Expensive!). To get to the City one would have to bus fare of $3.50. That’s like major expensiveness ~

(Ah-Bui. After seeing this, most people would believe that it is a girl, apparently not.)

(Ah-Bui and his brother Mogi)

(Cute Right?)

Day 2: (Saturday)
I recall my friends asking me why do I not want to work during the holidays? I always responded saying that there was no need for money. Well, maybe at that point of time there really wasn’t much money could do me. But today was such a time like some others where there was a need for money.
During the morning I along with my younger aunt, my cousin, her boyfriend and my Cousin’s friend Elisa went to Harbour Town after breakfast. It was basically a place where you find lots of branded goods sold at a cheaper rate. Even after putting in the conversion rates into consideration it was still much cheaper than usual. Basically the main idea was that there were lots of things that I wanted to buy, but because I did not have much money I couldn’t buy much. In fact I had to depend on my aunt and cousin which made me feel terrible.
I’m like coming to 20 and I practically don’t have much savings. In fact I don’t even know lots of stuff that I should know by my age.
Ok. Set aside the guilt talk, after shopping at harbour town we went to Peter’s Fish Market to have lunch. The name of the shop sounds lame right? In actual fact hell no. Basically it was a fish and chips store where you get to select whatever seafood that you like ranging from your typical fillet to lobsters. After selecting, they’ll cook it for you. That’s like so cool I don’t even recall having a store like that in Singapore. (Pardon my lack of Knowledge)
After lunch we went to Surfer’s paradise. Well basically all these regions are near gold coast. Surfer’s paradise like the name suggests has lots of surfers around, so the goods revolves around your typical Rip Curl, Billabong, Globe and Vans (This 2 are like skateboarding -.-). I happened to pass by a shop that sold really offensive yet interesting shirts. Check this out: The first shirt had the sign FBI, with words below the large bolded words saying female body inspector. The second shirt had this written on it “Drunk? Free Breathalyzer below” and an arrow pointing downwards. The third shirt was much simpler with the text “I’m with stupid ”. We lingered around till it was 6.30 and we met up with my older aunt and uncle along with some friends (Johny, Nancy and Rachel ... that is if I didn’t remember wrongly) went to have Japanese dinner. I had my favourite food SASHIMI !
After a bloating dinner we took an hour trip up to Nerang Mountain at the national park. We visited the “Glowing Cave”, a cave filled with fireflies. It took us sometime around 10 minutes to get to the cave. It was like nearly midnight and damn was it cold. Man was it awesome. Although it was only 5 minutes long but I enjoyed myself big time, it’s the first time I actually seen this. (Set aside the other time I seen it when I was 6 years old. What the hell do kids remember about holidays anyway.)
Apparently I didn’t know it till then, that if you took a picture or flash some source of light at the fireflies they would die. Apparently some lame kids must have said “Hey Mom LOOK! LOOK! Fireflies” they would immediately direct their light source towards it and there goes everything ...
Apparently if you focus your vision at 1 firefly, the light emitted by the other fireflies would seem less concentrated being more spread apart. Although that is what I observed, perhaps this is just some physics bull crap. This reminds me of one thing that I really want to do in the future with “The Right One”, that is to go star gazing. But this new awesome experience will be added to my list of must do’s. Although I couldn’t take a picture of it and even if I took a video of it most people won’t be able to see a damn thing. Sometimes certain things are not meant to be stored in pictures but experienced for a short moment. Compare this, looking at a picture of fireflies as compared to experiencing it itself. If you don’t believe me that taking a picture won’t be good, just go google picture fireflies. You probably won’t give much of a damn. This can be compared to experiencing fireworks to that of looking at fireworks on a picture. (I did suggest video though =X)

(My Cousin and her friend Elisa)

(Biao jie, xiao yi and myself at Peter's Fish Market)

(Cousin and her BF Brandon)

(A store at surfer's paradise)

Day 3: (Sunday)
I had to wake up early to go to church with everyone. I was tired and what’s worse is that it’s a mandarin speaking church. (FYI my Chinese isn’t particularly good, C5 you know ...) I thought it would be terrible, but apparently it turned out to be awesome. Although the pastor didn’t look very powerful to me but hell was his sermon good. He talked about faith. Brining in parts of the bible such as Abraham, Noah and Moses. (Hebrews Chapter 13)
Too bad I didn’t bring my bible otherwise I would have written everything down. I really have to start writing down these important stuff. I am so lazy !
After church, I met my Cousin’s best friend ‘Venus’. What’s interesting about her was that she was getting married and she’s only like 21 years old. Come to think of it I think I can only get married at 31 with very little savings. (Considering what all my friends call me ... ‘Gramps’. I think I would probably be filled with white hair )
After church we had lunch at a hongkong restaurant and later on we went to strawberry farm. We went to pluck strawberries and I found this strawberry the size of my palm, hell was it big. Right after that, we got chocolate sauce and ate our strawberries dipped into it. (I love Strawberries with sugar. NOW CHOCOLATE !). Besides just eating strawberries we had strawberry smoothie too. I manage to take some photos with my aunt’s camera. Damn! It’s times like this when I wished I had a camera.
Went back home to have steamboat. After coming to Australia I am really worried about my diet regime, I keep eating and eating and eating.

(Stunned ~ The biggest strawberry I have ever seen)

(Wei Wei my Younger Aunt =D)

(My Older Aunt and me)

(My biao jie pretty right!)

Day 4: Monday
Finally I have some beauty sleep. Slept till 11.30am. Weird sleep though, I had 3 consecutive dreams. 1 was super action packed about me and Kevin fighting Hellboy. (Don’t ask me why hell boy)
If mom asked me what did I enjoy most during my stay, I would tell her it was beauty sleep. When living in a colder country, you never feel like waking up because it’s so comfy.
Went to Direct Factory Outlets to get myself a pair of Jeans (I didn’t realize the Jeans that I had been wearing was the only long pants I brought... -.-‘’’). After looking around for an hour or so finally got myself a pair from Jeanswest. Never heard of it before but apparently it’s a store that sells jeans that has lots of fits. Xin Xin went to get some stuff for Wei’s Birthday which was tomorrow. It’s times like this when I feel bad because I didn’t have much money.
Apparently I really see the importance of money in this short time span. I definitely must get a job when I get back to Singapore.
By late afternoon I checked out Garden City, the mall that I used to visit when I was a kid. Bought some food and checked out various stores. Went back home and had steamboat once again.

(Apparently Girls take pictures everywhere don’t they? Haha!)

Day 5: Tuesday
You know in life, there has to be sweet and sour. This applies to holidays too. Apparently, today was suppose to be the main reason why I came to Australia but I was dying of boredom at the thought of it. Woke up early in the morning to go to University of Queensland, apparently I was suppose to enquire about my education stuff. Didn’t really understood why I had to do this because IDP the Singapore correspondent provided me with sufficient information. Anyway it’s all my fault because I suggested to mom that it would be good if I experienced life on campus itself.
The campus was pretty huge. One thing I hate about overseas universities is that they got so many campus and some aren’t even near one another. Imagine if me and my best friend went to the same university but different course, to our astonishment do we realize that different campus. LOL!
Apparently, the university wasn’t as state of the art as I imagined. But from what I heard it was really prestigious and the facilities are considered not too bad. My aunt was right about 1 thing. The campus is really huge and walking from place to place can be extremely tiring.
I am really worried about coming over here. First of all, I will be skipping 2 years of university and jumping right to third year. What if I am not ready? Furthermore RP’s system of “Not memorizing” will cause me to have serious blunders. Most importantly I will be away from all my loved ones (this includes my friends T_T .... PS don’t forget the food. LOL!)
Although I happen to be on holidays, however how I yearn to return to Singapore. I love everything there. Many people know me as one that does no travel often. That is certainly true. During my secondary school days my parents were rather strict on me and I never really ventured around Singapore alone much. Although I really don’t feel like leaving Singapore, however it is not right for me to be selfish to think of only myself. I understand that certain things are destined to go a particular way and I have no choice but to ride the waves. No point crying over spilled milk. Rather what should be done is to cherish the moments with all those I love in Singapore. I have decided to go on this food field trip with my close friends in which we would tour around Singapore eating and taking pictures of food. Perhaps I should create a new blog for it.
After viewing campus, I met up with my older aunt and uncle we had Sizzlers for lunch. It’s really delicious, I realize that although franchised, food tastes differently in different regions of the world. Take for instance Sizzlers in Australia is much better than in Singapore but KFC and Macdonalds is much better in Singapore as compared to Australia. I ate till I got guilty because I was supposed to be on a diet. I know grandma and mom would definitely ask me about food in Australia. I would definitely tell them ho jia, I eat until I want to vomit. Hahaha
Well later on at night we celebrated my younger Aunt’s Birthday. We had steak at Norman’s Hotel. Food was pretty good once again and I have to say that I was full till the extent of puking once again. [My weight fluctuates more than magnetic fields in my opinion]

(This pelican at campus looks as though he could gobble me up)

(Entrance Prerequisite: PHD. I might study and work in this building in the future =P.)

(Me and the Birthday Girl!)

(Yum Yum ~ Too bad it isn't what i ate. I always start eating forget to take picture -.-'')

(Allergic to Wine can't drink T_T)

Day 6: Wednesday
Initially I was super excited about today because I was going to movie world. But apparently it turned out to be a great disappointment. Still I enjoyed myself during certain parts of the day. Entry fee was supposed to be around $50 but spend more because of the bus fare, well apparently I felt that it wasn’t worth paying that sum of money.
I woke up super early to catch the bus, reached movie world at 10. When I received the map I knew that my hopes were crushed because apparently only got 6 rides for adults, furthermore for people who are chickened out like me only can play those not so hyper ones. Ended up playing only 2 rides and 1 4D film. Spend most of the time watching events and browsing through shops
Shrek’s 4D film was uber cool, it was unlike all those 3d rides you have in Singapore. The effects were magnificient combined with the water effects at the appropriate times. One of my favourite parts was the part with the spiders crawling up your legs and you can really feel it because they had this machine that tickles your leg .
Apparently light roller coaster is ok with me but those hardcore ones I will die on the spot. Finally I took some pictures and I saw my idol batsy. Apparently I am pretty average in height over here. The batman was taller than me T_T. I need to grow taller by 10 cm like that then 188cm =D.
I finished everything by 12.30pm but I had no choice but to stay on till 5pm till the bus arrives. I don’t know how I spend the time also. More events I guess.
After Movie world, I met up with everyone else and we went to Tomato Italian Restaurant for PIZZA !. The Pizza here are cooked in a unique way (woodfired), heard that Singapore only got 1 Italian restaurant near some restaurant that cooks this way. It tastes hell of awesome and we kept ordering pizza after pizza. Ended up with 6 pans, once again I ate till I almost dropped dead.

(Shrek's Store)

(Shrek's 4D adventure was super fun! Unlike no other 3D animated crap I have experienced)

(A picture of me at the events hall)

(Porky Pig Presenting ....... Me ...)

(I faced my fears and took a coaster ride. Was super fun!)

(I swear if you pull my beard, I'll blast your head off!)

(Apparently that's me in my car.)

(Old Car got use OK!)

(Apparently I killed time by watching beatles wannabe's)

(A building perhaps only familiar to me =D)

Day 7:Thursday
Today, I went to take different forms of public transport here. Seems lame right? Nah. Did you know Brisbane has ferry to cruise people around? Well, that wasn’t the coolest part. My cousin’s boyfriend Brandon apparently cycles to work everyday during summer. Actually that is one part of my dream life. That is to cycle to school and work, to and fro everyday. But apparently despite knowing that I was rather sad because it reminds me that I would have to leave Singapore one day.
After that, I went to visit the museum at the city. Well one interesting fact I learnt is that incubation temperature for eggs of sea turtles determines it’s gender. Later on I wandered around city and I finally bought myself a pair of shoes that I really like. It’s the first time I bought shoes with 0 advice from others. Got to start getting used to this feeling. I will be a lone wolf really soon in time to come.

(Brisbane River ... No City Cats around?)

Day 8: Friday
A super cool day today, I visited the Australian Zoo Home of the Crocodile hunter. I heard that Steve Irwin was buried in the zoo. Well, I believe that most teenagers don’t like going to the zoo apparently I do. I find that the zoo is a cool place because you would not only expand your knowledge by knowing more about animals but also experience the way in which they behave.
My favourite animal in the Zoo was the Koala’s. Well the reason wasn’t because it was Australia’s Icon, that’s only the side reason. The main reason was because I have this picture of myself when I was 7 years old carrying a Koala. When I was a kid I found Koala Bear’s super heavy, I wanted to hug them again. But apparently I didn’t get a chance to. I only got to touch them ... Oh well.
The coolest thing about the Australia Zoo is that you get to actually interact with the animals by experiencing some of them in their habitat. Meaning you get to pat them and feed some of them. I haven’t been to the Singapore Zoological Park for ages, I am hoping to visit them with some of my friends next semester. When I visited the zoo, 2 friends poped up in my mind all of a sudden. Well the trigger was because the Australian Zoo had lots of lizards running about, or rather they were iguanas (Really large ones). I believe one of my friend would be screaming and hiding while the other frantically chasing them hoping to catch them in his hat and smuggle them out.
After the zoo, I went to the City to meet up with my cousin once again. She wanted to take me to the night market, but apparently because of the fireworks tomorrow, it was closed. Major disappointment, we walked around south bank and went home after that.

(Trying too hard to face my fears -.-'')

(Stop Copying me!)

(Did you know that the one humped camel belongs to Australia? Did you know that Australia has the most number of these camels? Did you know that there are so many that it has to be exported to Saudi Arabia?)

(Koala Kawaii Desu Ne! [Ok I know i sound major gay, pretend it wasn't me who said it])

(Cute !!!)

(Act dao sei, tap you yet you don't care me!)

(Family Reunion! So many Koala Bears, the one in front look like me sia, sleeping pose so weird as if like grandpa like that.)

(Only can tap tap. No Huggies T_T)

Day 9: Saturday
Woke up early in the morning, had breakfast with both my aunt’s at Brisbane market. Later on according to plan we went bush walking at mountain Cootah. Apparently, Australia’s mountains has their own shares of their stories. This mountain was known for aborigines living there once. There was some artsy fartsy art carvings etc... well the main reason why we went there was to go bush walking. At first I was thinking 4km++ only no kick. Later on I realized that the terrain was rocky furthermore there were a lot of slopes meaning we had to walk upslope a lot. The walk took like 45minutes, well I was kind of tired after the walk and I was dying for 1 drink. Pepsi or Coke! I don’t know why but every time I participate in some tiring activity I would yearn for coke. I know it’s bad but I seem to crave for it.
In the evening I met up with my Cousin and her boyfriend. Along with my aunt and uncle, we went to Brisbane River to experience thefireworks. The place was super crowded. At least half of Brisbane was there. The entire region around the river was packed. I stood on the bridge where I could have a good view, the fireworks lasted for 30 minutes from 7 to 7.30pm. Well, it was a beautiful sight however perhaps not the most beautiful fireworks that I have been to. I recall the magnificent fireworks in Disneyland at Florida, I was only secondary 2 then. But still I could feel that it was more spectacular. However the fireworks at Brisbane is very special because even those high rise buildings released fireworks which made the entire city seem as if there was a massive fireworks display. I learnt from my cousin that the Brisbane river Festival is to promote the artsy fartsy side of Brisbane.
I was dead beat when the fireworks was over, I had to stand at a small spot with barely enough space to move my legs. Stood a total of around 50minutes. Furthermore because there were like thousands and thousands of people there, the City was so packed that it made going home kind of troublesome.
It’s 12pm at the moment and I just had a hearty chat with my aunt. I managed to learn a lot about my family and the complications within it. As the saying goes, each family has it’s own shares of problems. Family politics is something that we often come across in television dramas. Some people are lucky and they don’t have it, others who are not so fortunate happen to have it and it can bring loads of problems in their lives. 年轻的老人 That is who I am, why do I have to think about things that I am not suppose to think about at my age. Ever since young, people have always commented that me and my sister are too matured for our age, come to think about it we certainly are. Why can’t things be simple, why can’t we need lead normal lives like other people?
At times like this, it’s not who’s right and who’s wrong that matters to me. What matters is how to “Save” these people. I am aware that I can never do that alone, but with God’s help I might stand a chance. It’s not so easy to change the way people think, and even harder to change them. And to think I wanted to be a living inspiration towards others and to be their pillar of support. Where is my pillar of support?

(Not i don't want smile, it's cause the sun is too bright ...)

Day 10: Sunday
Visited church in the morning, this time we went to the English session. Apparently it was newly established and it comprised mainly of people from Taiwan, China and Malaysia. So apparently, the proficiency of English Language was not really strong. However to deliver a message, it does not always require good language skills. There was this Doctor of Theology named Dr Johan, he spoke with a rather European accent, like those I would always use when I was making jokes. This speaker talked about the Olympics initially, the motto being one world, one dream. How true is it that the goal is world peace? Many who listen to Wang Lee Hom’s song, would have realized that this dream refers to world peace. Yet how true is it that world peace is always the desired objective? Well, he related the Olympics with characters of a Champion and from there he related it back to what it means to be a Christian. He posed and interesting question, “If one day, being a Christian would be a crime, how can one be identified as a Christian. For us it isn’t world peace we are striving for but One World, One Goal.
We visited a Vietnamese Restaurant during lunch. Damn was the beef noodles one of the best that I have eaten. Once again I was full to the extent of puking.
At night we had barbecue. I ate super a lot, and once again I felt like vomiting. I really enjoyed food here, but must think of the consequences, I think I might have gained 5kg over 2 weeks. I haven’t been exercising for 2 whole weeks, I don’t feel like myself.

Day 11: Monday
My final day in Australia, managed to sleep more and wake up a little later than usual. Went to the City with my cousin to check things out once again. I managed to get some important stuff along with my shoes. Somehow today, I told myself that things might not be as bad as I think, perhaps I really was destined to live here in the future. The food is good, the jobs are good and the lifestyle perhaps one that I would like. Visited the library for a while to borrow the “Loo”. I got this feeling that in the future if the lifestyle is really too different, I might dedicate my time to reading books. Bookworm!
Had a few good chats with my cousin, manage to learn more about her. It’s kind of sad to be separated from her for so many years. We used to be super close when young, doing all sorts of silly things such as exploring the jungle near my dad’s restaurant to chasing the crazy old man near my house. Hopefully the future would be more interesting.

(The amazing pancake store, unlike any I have ever eaten)

Day 12: Tuesday (Back to Singapore Woo Hoo!)
What have I learnt during this short journey? Well I have managed to gain a lot of insights and my perspectives have changed over time.
As the saying goes, God always has a plan for it. Initially I was complaining again and again why had to stay so long. But apparently there was a reason.
During my experience, I manage to see that people should have more tolerance towards one another. I saw a reflection of myself of how I treated my dad. I was very offensive and easily infuriated. I believe most of us would feel this way when it comes to interacting with our parents. However we have to change, your parents don’t have much time with you either besides a family should be less calculative of one another. Tolerance (忍) is something that we have to train.
I have also learnt to appreciate the things I have in Singapore. I understand that I have not understood enough to consider myself a Singaporean. It’s time I get myself more exposed to Singapore in all aspects. Separation from my home through a short stay of 12 days has already caused such sadness in me. What about my permanent future departure 2 ½ years from now? I learnt to take things astride, to stop being sad but rather a happy and motivated individual, like what my friend once told me nothing is forever. Appreciate what you have at the moment. What’s most important is that you experience it before.
Lastly, I am a super motivated Perry. Tomorrow is the start of school and I am all geared up. It’s Perry 200%. I have so many goals for myself this semester. I understand that Ang-Mor are tall, and I am slightly below average as compared to most of them, so ... cannot depend on height when playing sports le have to train my reflex and speed.
I shall come upon at such force and an unstoppable momentum. There will be no more breaks for me. You don’t see batman and other superheroes having off days? They work 24/7 everyday be it rain or shine, no such thing as public holiday.
Goals ...

1. 4.0 GPA this semester
2. Physically Fit by the 10th week
3. To become a fabulous point guard
4. Spend more time with my friends
5. Experience Singapore my home

aishite imasu

2008-08-23T21:56:00.000+08:00

My friend once asked me, “Perry what would you do? Would you say something that you would regret after saying it or don’t say it and regret forever?” I recall 5cm/s and I decide that life should not be filled with regrets.

To: “You Know Who”

You are an exotic flower that I have chance upon throughout my life journey. Often we hear the phrase “Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder”, certainly this phrase is true. To the world you might be a nobody but to someone you might be the world.
Unlike other flowers that would attract most people,
You are not the most charming, neither are you the hottest.
You are not tall or very refined. You dislike wearing heels, skirts and doing what other females love doing most of the time.
The above does not matter to me. What’s most important is that “你是我心中的好女孩”

Although you might not be even be seeing this, however I want to let you know how I feel. Below is something that I have wrote describing about how you have played a role in my life. Ever since you got into the picture, my mood revolves around you. Whenever I close my eyes unknowingly you would always appear, causing me to smile for no apparent reason at times.
I never expect anything in return, all I want is a small corner in your heart and mind. Such that one day when you get sad or recall the past, you would remember me and laugh it out.

Prologue:
Certain things just happen in life, we have no control over them.
The chance of us meeting is 1/4000000 = 0.00000025%, yet through chance we were fated to meet.

Ever wonder what happens when the sharpest spear, said to be able to pierce through anything, pierces the unbreakable shield?
This phenomena is best described as an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. What would happen? [Something earth-shaking occurs]

When such a times comes, one can do nothing but fall desperately into quicksand.
Such phenomena is said to be beautiful but yet painful.
Though pain is certain, many still yearn for this phenomena to occur. Sheer irony

[I thought I was immune...]

I always thought of myself to be immune to emotions, one that is cold and hard hearted, I thought the above phenomena would not apply to me. However is it really good to be a rock?
“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.” – Albert Einstein

Chapters 1: Confession
You are like a flower that is surrounded by trees, it is so difficult for the wind which wants to pollinate your seeds to get to you.
During one point of time, the wind plucked up all its courage to your feet. But sadly the first meeting failed, like a river I might seem calm from above but deep below is a state of high turbulence. (Some things mean a lot to me, it’s just that I don’t show it.) 070808
How I wish our story would be as simple as some others, yet heaven loves to create such cumbersome sight.

My heart has been stabbed by a poison dagger, how I yearn for it to be pulled out, yet if you pull this dagger out you will be hurt by its venom. Though the pain is exacerbating every minute, however it pains me even more to see you hurt. What dilemma

Chapter 2: Recollections
The first time we went out could be compared to that of the river meeting the river bank. Through its way of finding you, there was a rock that stood in the way which might delay the arrival. Because of the rock that was there, my mood changed. I was angry and panicky. [200808]
Our first meeting was 8 hours long. For a moment there was this long period of silence, I felt awkward and it wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk, but everytime we did so, I was the one who usually start the conversation. I fear that if I keep talking, you might find me irritating akin to a pest.
The times that we had together were not long, however it will be engraved into my memory. In the context of love, the laws of time does not extend its reach. A moment can be eternity, eternity can be the tick of a clock.

Epilogue:
To veil and bury this emotion till the end of time, while watching and protecting you from a far like a guardian angel?
To open Pandora’s box to experience this mystical feeling and let fate decide it’s course of path?

My First Date

2008-08-21T00:20:00.000+08:00

Today was a special day, I hanged out with some of my friends and caught the movie “Money not Enough 2”. Like the typical part which we all expect of there was comical scenes throughout the entire film, the Hokkien cursing and swearing and the typical political propaganda.
What impact me most at the end of the show was not the 3 parts mentioned above but filial piety. In the film, there were scenes that made me furious with rage and at the same time filled with melancholy. A typical scene of throwing the parents into the old folks home. A typical part about asking for money from the elderly parents.
I recall an email sent to me once. It is about “Your Parents”. Your parents could be compared to that of a huge fruit tree. When you were a young, they stood by you protecting and teaching you patiently. When you grow older, you pluck the fruits from the tree until it becomes barren. As you get even older, you chop down the tree to make a boat out of it. Finally you realize that this tree is gone and you feel sad but it’s too late.
Many of us would criticize the characters of the show, but are we very much better ourselves? Although not as drastic as the film portrays, however through my reflection I realize that we are just as bad. We are all selfish and impatient. I look forward to change myself such that the situation seen would never apply to me.
Instead of just a touching film, it is just like what Zubin says it is a good wake up call. In my opinion it’s like a reflection pond where you see the ugly side of yourself.

Set aside movie, we went to have Japanese food. It was alright but it’s the first time I tasted my friend’s cooking. Damn do I wish I can cook. No worries though I’ll be working on it. Although I said it wasn’t excellent, but you know ... I seldom compliment others if I say your good probably your excellent.
On the way home, there was this awkward silence which made me feel bad. But it’s ok because we were all tired and me being quiet in nature was a norm.
[So close, yet so far]

A Sunday Evening

2008-08-18T19:08:00.001+08:00

Yesterday, was perhaps one of the only days which I went to church in the evening. It was somewhat different than the usual Sunday’s, perhaps because of the speaker. I didn’t take note of his name but he was an old man, roughly say 75 years old or so from America. At the beginning I was hoping that he was some bombastic empowering speaker, who could give all sorts of quotes but apparently not. He could be best described as a humble old man, who delivers a message of suspense one that is never understood untill the very end of his speech.
Because the activities recently revolved around sending missionaries to various countries to spread the word of god, donations and speeches had to be made. This old man started off telling us about how certain people are not so blessed like us. Well, the bible originated in one language for instance the new testament being in Greek initially. Although it is common to most of us that it comes in the English and Chinese version, however there are certain people out there who do not converse in English or Chinese and they do not have the bible in their language. So this old man talked about the difficulties faced in translating the bible and finally voila they have a bible let’s say in Tibetan. Initially they were overjoyed and 300,000 copies were produced. However to their dismay, they realized that only 10% of the Tibetan population could read and write. Great... What Now? He then gave an example of how missionaries die in communist countries while spreading the word of god. This person although he died, however he managed to record the bible in a particular language and succeeded in delivering the tape. So, this is a good example of the word of god being unstoppable. After he said this, I once again recalled about what I said in the past. I always wanted my grandmother and grandfather to receive salvation, however unfortunately grandpa who could read and write well was not a faithful believer. Grandma on the other hand, tried to believe but does not read and write well. Since one way or another the word of god cannot reach her ears, I believe that this responsibility lies on my shoulder to once again prove that the word of god cannot be stopped.
Ok, back to the sermon. Well, to summarize it, tt was basically something like this ... Many at times, we see drug addicts being pushed to an edge and finally they step into church to confess and start afresh. Many at times when someone is sick or in some difficulties do they ask god for help. But let us think about this, what if one day THE ALMIGHTY GOD asks us a mere human being for help? I am aware that most people like myself would be astonished by what the pastor had said. But like I said earlier on you never get what this old guy is talking about till the very end. He then quoted a passage in John 19:25-31. It was about Jesus on the cross asking for something to quench his thirst.
Relating to what was said earlier on, the pastor talked about God’s broken heart. God created a family consisting of Adam and Eve. They were the ones that broke his heart. God doesn’t tyrannically force us to do things. In fact he gives us a choice. However all he asks for is obedience. God just asks you to be obedient towards him, yet many at times we fail to do so.

OK, I still have lots of insights but it would perhaps take forever to jot them down. I shall end here.

To my dismay the appeal ...

2008-08-15T13:48:00.000+08:00

I recall my msn nickname a month back.
“Be as beneficent as the sun or the sea, but if your rights as a rational being are trenched on, die on the first inch of your territory” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Today is a day in which I can get a huge feeling of what it means when justice without force is powerless; force without justice is tyrannical. There is certain things which I have limited control over, but before one can seek for injustice one would have to go all the way out to find the fault within oneself.
I acknowledge that I did not give my 100%, I once said that if nothing is done to seek injustice a very different me will be seen. This very different me is one that is domineering to the highest extent. But come to think of it, for the sake of the unjust done unto me, why should I stoop to their level and do unjust upon others? This is not right. It is akin to being a terrorist.
[I am at a lost, tell me what to do?]

During the first phase, my blades have shattered from the clash. I wasn’t strong enough. I always mentioned about the will to get stronger. It is time in which I forge a new blade, one that is stronger and sharper than before. The next time when our blades cross path again, yours will definitely shatter. [In the midst of training]